so i wandered onto this forum after my son had called me from the mental hospital to say terrible tihngs to me.

i jumped right in the chatbox, having an idea of what al-anon is for...
i might've been wrong.

i'm all out of ideas on coping with the kid's constant drug and alcohol abuse and needed (still need) to form some new new ones.

he's been using veer since he aged out of the mental health system when he turned eighteen. he'll be 21 in about half a month.

he was institutionalised from the age of 11 on. then when he turned eighteen, the system just tossed him out on the street.

well, myself and my family members tried to let him  live with us, but he immediately began taking meth, coke, pot, drinking, and naturally, he stopped his meds because he reported that he "couldn't think clearly" when he took them.

he was dealing drugs, breaking into neighbors' property. he destroyed three desktop computers and one laptop (various family members' property). he ran up immense pay-per-view-porn bills on the family tv, brought illegal drugs and firearms into our homes, made false accusations that various family members had stolen his SSI checks and spent the money shopping for themselves (since i was the first person he accused of this, everyone believed him and disowned me for an entire year...until he made the same accusation about his grandmother, his grandfathr, and his great-grandmother)...needless to say, the Gnu (that's his nickname) burned enough bridges that no one in the family, including me, the Mummie, would allow him in their home.

so he went to leech off different family friends for a year or two. after two arrests and several suicide attempts, he was down to family aquaintenances. next, it was on to old neighbors. finally, he ran out of people that knew him and was now living under a bridge. i found Assisted Living Facilities. he refused to step foot inside them. i found shelters. he stayed one or two nights. i found rehabs, he lit up marijauna cigarettes on the couch in the living area and got kicked out...

until a year ago, everytime he broke a rule and got kicked out of the place he was staying at; i scrambled to find a new victim...i mean, 'roomate' for him. because he cried and asked me to, that's why.

i wouldn't take him in, or inflict him on my other family members, but i would hurry to phone friends of mine or people i knew, to find him a place to stay...
the last time, when he had hung himself in a neighbor's home after consuming alcohol and taking 'some pills' (no one knows what the pills were), i told him. "Nope, Mummie is done. you are a grown man, twenty years old. do it yourself. i'm tired.".

this was because my bf had pointed out that at this rate, i'd be doing this crap when i was sixty if i didn't stop. good for me, right?

HAH!

the family recoiled in shock. general mayhem insued. everyone had an opinion about my parenting skills. their reasoning was that because he is 'mentally ill' i was somehow responsible for making sure he had a roof over his head and took his meds daily. how dare i shirk my duties and throw him to the wolves?

who cares that i was shaking, smoking two packs a day, cried incessantly...it was up to me to find him a victim...i mean, roommate.

i stood my ground.

he found his own rehab. good for him.
he got thrown out.
he found another rehab.
he got arrested and thrown out.
he called me to say the rehab had stolen all his clothes and toiletries and wouldn't let him retreive them.

i took the bait and called them. i found out (SURPRISE!) he had lied about that.

i told him, "look, Gnu, i keep getting my hopes up. for nothing. i can't do this."
i said, "i don't want you to call me when you need help getting out of trouble. i don't want you calling when you are not sober. stop calling me to say that vodka tates good."

he continued to call.

"Mummie, i've been shot" (he was lying)
"Mummie, i signed up for my GED classes." (i don't think he did)
"Mummie, i stabbed someone" (who knows if he did?)
"Mummie, i went to a job interview." (probley he went there drunk)
"Mummie, i joined a gang." (i'll just bet he did...)
"Mummie, Mummie, Mummie..."


i'd say, "oh. too bad, Baby. you know i love you...did you learn something?"
or, "oh, that's wonderful...i'm so proud of you. you know i love you."
i refused to help him.

he continued to call.

"Mummie i need a ride because i took a bus to another city to party with my friends and now i want to go home."
"Mummie, sorry to call so late, i just tasered myself in a bar bet...i won a beer, but i think my elbow might be broken now."
"Mummie, i've been baker-acted again."

i would not lift a finger.

when i took my daughters out shopping, or to the movies, he called to complain.
he said i was 'favoring them'.

i told him, "Gnu, i take them out, because they are not drunk. they are not high. they never call me to yell at me or call me names....tell you what, you stay sober for thirty days, i'll take you out and do stuff with you."

i said this, because i really hate it when he shows up drunk or high. and he'll say that he 'only drank' or 'only smoked weed' a day or two ago...so i figure thirty days sober, he won't have an excuse to smell like beer or to act all loopy.

that was a year ago. he hasn't been sober thirty days yet.

he still calls to complain when the girls and i go out somewhere.

he says i love them more.
my mother, thinking that she could help him, began the process of purchasing land and a trailer for him. she was his SSI payee again and was carefully doling out his money to him for his neccesities, taking him shopping and never letting him out of her sight.

he pretended to be grateful, then stole her dvd's, $600.00 my daughters had saved from summer jobs to buy their school supplies, my oldest daughter's first diamond ring, and the remainder of his SSI money from my mother's desk, telling my mother that my daughter had stolen it; and went to live with some friends who 'have great parties".

i said to Mum, "i told you so.".

my Mother's friend, a young man named "Bob", said he wanted to take Gnu in and help him learn to 'be a responsible man'. i told Mum to not sacrifice 'Bob' like that. he was nice and didn't deserve what Gnu would do to him. no one listened.

Gnu stole Bob's wife and ran off with her. he called me to say he and Bob's wife were living with her mother...
a few months later Bob's wife told us she took a pregnancy test and was pregnant with the Gnu's child.

Gnu left her, promising he loved her and would send for her as sson as he could.

he called me to say he hated her and didn't want to see her ever again.

poor girl still leaves bulletins on myspace talking about how much she loves my son and misses him and can't wait to join him again.

on chat, everyone says, "Don't answer the phone."

well, first, it's not like he ever calls from the same number.

caller id says, "Payphone" which my daughters have been known to call me from, or various local numbers with some name i don't recognise, which my boyfriend has gotten calls for him like this...so i answer the phone, because it might be one of my girls, or a call for my bf who lives with me.

and second, he could be calling to say when he is coming for thanksgiving dinner (he stayed sober for three weeks this thanksgiving), or whatever.
and my mother emails and calls me to complain if i don't tell them what he's up to.

bf suggested that i answer as usual but when the Gnu says something unpleasant to just say, "oh, okay i don't want to hear this. i love you, good-bye."

i did this yesterday when he calls to tell me that i was 'trying to manipulate him into being sober' and he would take as much drugs and drink as much as he liked and how much he hated me and so on (well, since he's been baker-acted this week, i very much doubt he'll be partying). i said, "oh, okay. call me when you feel less grumpy, dear. i love you, good-bye."

and cried this entire morning when i woke up.