The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Denial is such a seductive thing, isn't it? The imaginary is so wonderful and so tempting!
I need to grieve. A loss. Another loss. Chalk it up. Keep on keeping on. Process the feelings. I don't even have to go into the details of what happened because its the broken record we all know so very well! Its was not good for me, I wanted to be through with it. I won't even really miss him, I know I will be just fine...its just why does this hurt SO BAD!?? When I know all that. I know its all for the best. Its just grief, I guess. Old grief coming through on fresh grief. And its just feelings, I know- not facts but nonetheless, it hurts.
I cannot make anyone love me. I cannot make anyone behave a certain way. I need to accept and know that acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today. Its so true.
I will feel my feelings. For as long as I need to. Then, I will feel other feelings. And more after that- its as its supposed to be, like a river, constant.
I will be OK, I do know that. Its Ok to cry and mourn. Its OK to grieve the losses again. Its all I can do. Please send me some prayers tonight, you guys- Hugs, J.
HUGE hug coming your way. From your prior posts I know you are a strong, amazing woman. You inspire me. Sorry your grief is with you right now. I pray that you wake in the morning with a little lighter load.
It sounds like that proverbial briar patch my sponsor refers to that I occasionally still throw myself off into, and just roll around and roll around till I'm good and bloody. Then I'll climb back out and get on the path again.
How is your conscious contact with your higher power these days? Are you making enough meetings?
These are the questions I have been asking myself lately because when I am not in fit spiritual condition with my program, then I tend to fall back into old patterns, and my self-will takes over.
I'm still exhausted from this last semester, dealing with chronic pain, and I'm taking great care not to be hasty in decisions or in reaching outside of self for approval.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I have called a whole bunch of people but here I am sitting with this incredible pain. It feels like old pain, too. All I can do is give it over to HP and pray that he can help me with it. That HP can deal with it because I sure can't.
I feel sick. I feel horrible. I feel like throwing up, its so bad. WHY?! Something got triggered big time. J.
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. The only times I can remember having such a physical reaction was on three occasions: - first time was in NYC on September 11th. I felt so frightened I got sick in my stomach and almost vomited. - the second and third times were this year when my AH had a stroke and came close to death and later this year when he had a seizure and I feared the same thing was happening again.
For me, the sick feeiling is fear of great loss.I still have flash backs to the stroke, and sometimes (though more infrequently) to 911. Maybe our brains can't hold on to all the pain forever? Maybe its right that it gets let out sometimes?
I don't truly know, but want you to know that you're not alone and that you can and will get through this.
I don't know why for sure but it seems to me that any loss makes me feel all the other losses again. If that is so then the older we get the more painful loss would be which doesn't seem right. But it doesn't seem that all loss embraced and accepted is done with. It keeps coming back the next time I have a loss....... so maybe we can let go of some of the smaller losses that we have faced after realizing we had stuffed them. However the bigger losses seem to need more attention.
Maybe the loss is the actual physical details the first time I look at it. Then the next time a loss stirs up my loss feelings, I have to look at it emotionally and then intellectualy and then spiritually. It is just something that seems to apply to me having to deal over and over with somethings I think I have handled but in actuality, just chipped off a thin layer. I keep thinking that the only way to get through it is to go through it but I can't do some really hard losses all the way through the first time. Maybe it is just some self preservation or protection but I am impatient to get on with it all too.
Just my experiences so take what applies and discard the rest. Lots of self TLC and I hope things seem better soon.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
This too shall pass. (Hate to hear that when it is not passing but sitting right on top of my heart but I know you know it will.) In the mean time, induldge yourself in whatever it is you think will make yourself feel better. This pain is ok to feel, it won't kill you and my bet is it won't even make you do anything stupid.
Used to be the kind of pain you mention would send me out on an emotional binge. I would "disappear" from my friends and family and lose myself in trying to find peace in another person.
Today, I sit with all the pain and cry and get mad, but I don't binge or lose myself. I am right here, present.
You are going to be ok, you are doing everything that you are supposed to do. We are right here with you.
for me when I get down to the bottom it is always a safety/security/love issue. The gut cry is always... eventually.... why can't I have a home, somewhere safe, surrounded by folks that truly love me????? Why do I seem to be the only person on the planet that cannot find/have/feel at HOME?????
And the answer always is... because I was raised by A's and spend most of my life around addicted/addictive people cause it is all I know. That was never a stable environment and no matter how many times I go back to try and 'fix' it.... that just won't work.
I am looking for apples on an orange tree and wondering what is wrong?!!!!
Kudos to you for feeling your pain and for sharing.... that is the only way out.
hugs and healing, adonaisgirl
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One Day at a Time I am POWERLESS but not HOPELESS Be sure to BREATHE and SMILE!!!
As we say, take what you like and leave the rest. This came from a post on MIP. I am not there but want to be. Hope this helps.
The Awakening
A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and its OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that 'alone' does not mean lonely.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. . . and that it is your right to want things that you want. and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch. and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself. by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.
Finally, with courage in your heart , you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Thanks you guys. I have cried up a storm. I no longer feel like throwing up. I went to a meeting this AM and it was a very good one- lots of things I needed to hear. And I bawled my head off half the time. No one batted an eyelash. I could be myself there. I was not ready to share but just said I had recently relocated and was grateful that this meeting existed and was grateful that the shares were so on-target and every single one of them was, of course.
I will go to another meeting tonight. I will see my therapist tomorrow. I will keep things very simple.
I made a decision this AM to have breakfast with an ex lover/active A who was in town for a funeral or go to a meeting. I chose the meeting. That is progress. Thank goodness I have a program and tools and can make some better choices when I am in crisis. And I do feel like I am in crisis. But I know I am not alone. I have the World Wide Fellowship of Al-Anon (everywhere!). I know you all know what this feels like and why I am feeling it. I know that this too shall pass. I will figure some things out, again. The work is never done. Geez I get tired.
My sister reached out after I called her and told her I was having a bad night last night. We talked a lot. We also talked this AM. I also called some program friends in Hawaii last night. I reached out a lot last night via the phone. I finally took a bath and cried myself to sleep. It won't always be like this.
I do know that the pain is not so much the actual event or series of events but the OLDER stuff that mimics it. I do know this. In so many ways, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with him. its all older stuff- waaay older stuff.
I have this massive hole. This is why I need this program of recovery. Thank you for being a part of my recovery this day- Hugs and much love and acceptance, J.
Oh Jean, my heart ackes for you. I know that horrible pain in your gut. The head full of tears, the lips that cannot smile.
Breath deep raising your abdomen as you release your breath. Tensing up is part of the pain.
It is real physical pain Jean. When we lose someone,like this it is like cutting your heart out. It is no different than your shoulders hurting when you feel the weight of the world on them.
I felt like a half person for a very very long time. It got better but it was so unnoticeable. As I came here and worked a program and still am, I learned to live with it. Then my whole family and close friends began to die one by one in just two years.
Just recently I feel almost whole again.
Jean I drink lots of water, am a vegie, exercise even if walking a block does help. Watch funny movies, read silly books, go to meetings, ask for hugs.
Do what you have always loved even though it feels like cardboard. I remember feeling sooo down, I had NO interest in anything,nothing. did not plant flowers, did not paint a room, nothing.
I have been doing soooo much again.
If you can find them, give yourself anti stressors. For me it was bringing home one flower. warm socks,warm blankets, feather bed. self care. Give that woman you know inside what she needs as best as you can.
We do love you here uno. I am so glad and humbled when anyone asks for prayers. you have mine.
I asked HP to hang on to me tight please, said the serenity prayer over and over, quoted in my head almost constantly,"everything is ok" "everything is ok."
Put my total faith in hp.totally.still do; one day at a time. do what you can and that is all you can do the rest do something else, naps,eat sorbet,walk,cry etc
I am always in this mode now. It has changed my life for the better.
Learning about not being able to control some things, taught me to not give those things any thought or energy. as stupid as trying to stop the river. can't control that.
hugs and hugs and come here as often as you can. love,debilyn who needs to go control some animals tummies
Glad you are feeling a bit better today. That awful, gut-wrenching pain..... yes, it is horrible. I believe too, that with each loss we grieve our past losses. I also wonder if perhaps it feels so bad because you are getting healthier and truly feeling those feelings of loss and sadness. Once the flood gate opens, hard to stop the flow.
It is good that you have so many friends to reach out to, and that you got a therapist to talk with. Isn't it wonderful that you can go to a meeting and cry and everyone doesn't get all freaked out or try to fix you? Instead, they just listen and wipe their own tears they shed for you. What a gift al-anon is. You will get through this, Jean, but there is no hurry. Glad we could be here for you.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
(((((Jean))))) Aloha No! You're so aware and so akamai about the journey that for me hugs are best to give and hope that the optional pain part will be brief. Merry-go-rounds use to make me want to vomit. Loss of balance use to make me want to vomit. Crawling out of the jaws of fear and panic use to make me want to vomit. A punch in the gut use to always. Seems like you got it all in a short period of time. ...And then she went to a meeting and then another. I know you know what works and how to work it. You have brought others into the path of recovery. Mahalo Nui.
ps...and your tear glands still work too!! With Aloha (((((hugs)))))
I went to another meeting tonight and again, every single bit was right on straight through to my heart from my HP- EXACTLY what I needed to hear and be reminded of. Every single word hit home. I had been going to one group weekly and not really connecting in there but today I found some new ones. I am now going to try to find one every single day for awhile. Just like I was told tonight, my second meeting of the day. Just go. As I said to THSKS, the only thing I DO have control over is FINDING MEETINGS. Thank god for mapquest!!!!!!
I just listen and cry.
I cannot live w/o this program. I was not working this program even though I was attending meetings since moving here. Now I have the fire in my belly for it again. I have a long-distance sponsor but I want to find a local one to have F2F's with here. She will come. I need to do another 4th step, I can feel it coming on. I need to work the steps closely with some old-timer. Its gonna be SOOOO good. I can taste how sweet it will be.
And here is something great that has happened this day:
I have been struggling in my living situation. Its just not going too well with my roomies. I live in a second story of a little house but there is no door on the stair so I have no privacy whatsoever. I hear everything. Everyone hears me. Its hard. I am a very private person, generally. So, I begin looking. I went to look at an apt today, to live in on my own. It was OK but I am just not ready to live alone. I am too much of an isolator, you know?! I kinda need a room mate or household situation or else I would not have any kind of human contact outside of my work and my program, ya? So I look on Craig's list for room mates. I see one and thought- well, I will give it a shot. Now most people 'round here renting are in the 20's and 30's. I am in my 40's. I want to live with someone in their 40's or 50's or so. But there is a VERY slim chance of finding that here because most people here in their 40's or 50's are married and have kids and own houses. But I thought- what the heck, I can just put it out there and see...SO, I respond to ONE craigs list ad for a room mate and I ask the poster- how old are you? She says she is female and an artist and is pretty quiet and wants no drama, etc. She emails me back and guess what her email name is? SERENITY!!!!!!! and guess how old she is? 44!!!!!!!!! And I am going to meet her this week to see if we can hit it off...geez, I never saw that coming but I got exactly what I have been asking for exactly when I needed it...
SO, moral of the story? I AM EXACTLY WHERE I NEED TO BE. even with all this hurt and pain, I need to feel it. I am on a journey and this is absolutely needed right now, of me, in order to get to where I want to be. I just need to have faith that in the end, it will all be good and with my program, I can have that.
I get everything I need exactly when I need it according to my HP. Not a moment sooner. I get everything taken away from me, exactly when I need it taken away from me. All I need to do is stand back and watch and wait and let HP do his incredible job. I need to keep my hands out of the kitchen. Hugs, J.
Just a big ((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))), Jean.
I am glad you are starting to feel better. That kind of pain for me usually comes ahead of some kind of huge growth spurt. I hope you are on the verge of something big in your recovery. I know what you mean about grieving so deeply at the loss of someone you didn't even know or like that well. I think Adonaisegirl hit on something when she said "why can't I have a home, somewhere safe, with folks who truly love me???"
My self-worth, self-esteem and esp self-love was non-existant a couple of years ago. I just wanted someone to see and hear me. I couldn't see or hear myself. I couldn't love myself. I started loving others in the program and they loved me until I could learn to love myself. Growing up in this disease took something from us. It takes a long time to get it back.
Have you read Adult Children of Alcoholics. I think it is the old ACOA text. It may be out of print, but it sure helped my AH and myself to understand some of our feelings and behaviors that really had us baffled.
I know you are gonna be fine. You are strong. You know your tools. I and others in the program love you, even if you aren't sure you love yourself yet.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I do know the kind of pain you have been going through. I also know how much I peresonally reach out for straws then. Personally for me acting on anything when I am in intense pain is hard going. I make bad decisions then. I make decisions out of desperation. I've been the roommate route it can be a very very hard one.
I hope you find a way through the holidays. I'm planning on going to a lot of meetings.
