The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the rooms we talk about feelings alot. I hear many who have been around say things to the effect of 'what is your part in how you feel? or my feelings are my own problem." I don't understand how feeling my feelings is a bad thing. I cannot casually brush off my h's behavior like it doesn't bother me, because it does. To be honest, my husband hurts me in many ways, and to say its my fault if I am sad angry upset whatever just seems wrong to me. I can see that not letting how I feel determine my actions makes sense. But I feel like people are saying to be successful in recovery we walk around like robots with no feeling. Please don't take offense, I don't mean people here, its just how I am understanding (or not) this feeling business.
Great question! I haven't heard it stated that way really, however... as you know, our thoughts create our feelings. So, in al-anon, I have learned to re-direct my thoughts. I stopped obsessing about him and shifted my focus onto Me and my life. In al-anon, I've learned that I have lots of choices. The goal of recovery is my peace and serenity, and al-anon gives me tools to achieve it. I have a choice to put it into practice.
Also, it is amazing to find out what happens when I focus on Good things. What I focus on, gets bigger.
Your feelings are a good thing, do not deny your feelings. Be where you are! As you continue with the program, you simply find yourself changing your focus and you find yourself feeling better.
Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
This is an issue that I struggled to make sense of for a long time but have recently begun to sort out. Maybe what I'm learning can be of help.
What I'm beginning to understand is that the belief that other people cause my feelings is largely an illusion. Its only when I become convinced of their judgments myself that I can be affected by them. In other words its ultimately my own beliefs that determine how I feel. Sometimes what can also happen is that someones insensitive remarks can bring into consciousness an unresolved issue from the past.
So what am I supposed to do with these uncomfortable emotions? I've found the solution is certainly to feel them. When at one time I would either react back, or try to fight and bury these unwanted feelings, I now have a new option. I can choose to take a step back and feel what I'm feeling. And even while my beliefs are saying I don't deserve to be loved I love myself anyway. Those once unwanted feelings then eventually start to lift and I'm left with a little more compassion for myself then I had before. I find this process also makes it easier to feel compassion for those close to me, even when they behave in undesirable ways. I'm finding that as I'm getting better at this, it's becoming more difficult for those close to me to get a negative reaction out of me. It's still a struggle, but I'm getting there.
This is all done basically through surrendering to a higher power who I've come to trust will guide me through these feelings.
Feelings aren't facts was hard for me to make sense of at first, too. Now it means that my feelings don't have to make sense. I don't have to justify them to anyone. I don't have to have a "good" reason to feel how I feel, I just do. This means my feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.
I learned it was ok to be mad, sad, frustrated. I also learned it was ok to be happy, feel joy, etc. I don't have to be unhappy just because someone I love is. I can empathise without taking on their feelings.
The concept of me being able to decide how I wanted to feel was amazing to me. I learned that I do not have to feel hurt when the alcoholic does something nasty to me, even if it is done in the spirit of him trying to hurt me. I can see the disease working in him and refuse to take it personally. That doesn't mean I have to accept unacceptable behavior. It just means that I don't have to get emotionally involved in every stupid manipulation he tries to dish out. If I stay detached then the disease loses its grip on me.
I think of it this way... would I get mad at a cancer poatient for puking on me? No. I would clean myself up and learn how to get out of the way next time, so I don't get soiled by their disease. It would be easy to remember that a cancer patient is sick and will sometimes throw up.
I think of the alcoholics nasty behavior as emotional and/or spiritual puking. I try to remember that he is very sick and is going to do what alcoholics do. They yell, scream, pout, throw guilt trips, and a hundred other nasty things all designed to manipulate us into going along with the disease, UNTIL WE DECIDE TO STOP GOING ALONG WITH THEM. We do not have to ride that crazy train. We can use our program to learn how to get off.
I am glad you are going to meeting and also bringing your questions here. You are doing great. Just keep doing what you are doing. Keep working forward. Don't put yourself or the A on a timetable. Get a sponsor if you don't have one., use your phone list, and read all you can fron Al-Anon literature. This program saved my life and that of my family. It works!
Hope something I have said helps. As always take what you like and leave the rest.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
