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I know what hating an ex did to my life before and how it did more harm to me than him, but again I find myself trying to fight the anger/resentments I feel toward Ex ABF. He has excepted no responsibilty for the way things are, has not once said he is sorry, and continues to tell me he is working on him from WV because that is the only chance we have, for a real chance. I've told him again and again that I am really struggling to let go of the anger and resentment I feel toward him, not for what he did, but HOW he did it. He just doesn't even respond to it. It seems like every morning I wake up I hate him just a little more, resent him a little more and I really do not want to feel that way but I just can't get past it. I know me and I know if Christmas comes and goes for us like this, that there will be nothing left on my end except hatrd......How do you go from loving someone with everything you have to hating them???? And why can't I just make it stop???? I can just feel myself getting more and more numb to what we had between us..
thanks for letting me share..
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Shelly u can waste alot of time waiting for the A to apologize for his past behavior , sometimes they never get it . I really don't care what people say I watch what they do , if thier sober working a program and doingthings diff than before that often is the only amends they can make . Anger and resentment started to go for me as I watched his stuggle and took responsibility for mypart in the mess that was created , he didn't do this alone . we allowed it to happen over and over again so blame is just a waste of time -- it's over u cannot change the past - no matter how hard you try. i don' t know if your attending meetings for yourself but if not I hope u will consider doing so in the near future , you need people who understand how u feel and can share thier experience in recovering from it . You have choices to day shelly , validation comes when we find people who understand and listen to us and I had to realize it wasn't going to come from the alcoholic in my life , find a sponsor talk things over come to terms with yor part in the problelm and learn to let it go . Al-Anons get me alcoholics don't for me it is just that simple. Louise
SH123, I have totally been there. I know how you feel.
I think that the way that I got to this place was through having NO BOUNDARIES and letting him WALK ALL OVER ME.
I expected him to read my mind. I NEVER adequately communicated my needs. When he did not read my mind, I "went with the flow". I tried to roll with whatever he offered up. I said YES way too much and I kept most (if not ALL) of my focus on HIM, his problems, his difficulties, his life, his drama, his friends, his family, not me.
In other words, my disease brought me to the rock bottom of finally hating him so much I began to think about killing him. I began thinking that the very best way to resolve my situation was to end up in an orange jumpsuit in jail. That was how nuts and numb I got. This was my rock bottom. I did not have the weapon figured out or anything, I just knew that if a moment arrived- standing together looking down from far above on some balcony, some incident in the kitchen with knives, etc. I would just snap. I could literally feel it coming.
When he started physically abusing me, I left. When he started physically abusing me, I lost all inhibitions about hurting him, should the moment present itself. I knew I had to remove myself from his presence or else A.) I would get hurt/killed, B.) he would get hurt/killed, C.) we would both get hurt or killed and/or D.) my life would take a terrible terrible turn.
Instead, I left. I have no idea why I suddenly saw the light but I did and I ran away in the middle of the night right after he hit me. I never went back. I lost everything. I own nothing. But now I have a great job that I love and am rebuilding my life. I never want to see him again. I used to love him so much but he has some terrible diseases and I cannot live with him. I cannot be friends or anything. I needed to totally turn the page. The man I loved is GONE. The sweet silly sexy man is GONE. I finally accepted that and then my healing began.
Cut yourself some slack - give yourself time to grieve over your loss. It's OK to grieve - something I finally figured out after coming back into the program.
In time, the anger and resentment will morph into compassion. At least, it has for me. This transformation does help me get through the icky (ok, that's a horrific understatement, but we all know what I'm talking about) behavior while it's going on. It helped me maintain a couple of nights ago. Something I personally need to work on is showing myself some of that compassion too. I think this is probably a common trait with us Alanons.
Get to a f2f meeting if you can - you will feel loads better afterward. I know I always do - sometimes it stays with me for several days at a time. Something I wouldn't have thought possible a few months ago. It keeps me coming back.
And to quote our lovely, talented and wise Debilyn - "DROP THE ROCK!" . This is my new favorite tool!
I totally get the anger/resentment stuff. I also have felt terribly guilty to think the things I have thought about another human being.
I think my problem, when I'm fully feeling the anger/resentment is that I lose sight of the human being inside the alcoholic. I begin to think of AH as a mean, nasty, hopeless non-person. Very dangerous thinking because it makes me feel and act just the same way. I'm not proud of myself when I think like this.
One of my Al-Anon friends suggested that I get myself to some open AA meetings. I've done that a few times when I could feel myself "dehumanizing" the Alcoholic in my life. It definitely helped me. It helped me see that the Alcoholic is truly suffering under the disease and that real people, deserving of respect are beneath the disease - even if I haven't seen it in my AH in quite a while.
Please don't beat yourself up, we all feel this way sometimes. Regards, Rocky
I think for me, I just had to let myself go through the anger and resentment. I think it is very understandable and most of us go through it. Feelings are just feelings, not facts. They are energy that flows through, but for years I stopped the flow by stuffing away negative feelings that I could not express. So when, in recovery, they started to emerge, I felt very overwhelmed by them at first. I had so much rage, and it was scary for a bit. Slowly, though, they started to subside over the course of a few months, as I let myself feel all the junk I had not let go of.
Don't beat yourself up over this. It will pass if you can accept that that is how you feel. You do not have to feel guilty for feeling anything. Feelings will come and go. Many times they will not even make sense, and you do not have to justify them or act on them. Just acknowledge them and let them pass. I used my phone list and this board a lot back then, to get my thoughts and feelings out, so they could pass. Find someone to talk to that understands. An Al-Anon friend or sponsor is best because they will understand and not tell you what to do, but just listen and share how they got through it.
Keep to your program, work the steps and keep the focus on you. This too shall pass.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
For me when I got so sick and tired of being sick and tired I started to listen with an open mind. I accepted that my alcoholic wife suffered from a life threatening disease that was threatening my life along with it. When I accepted that this was a disease I stopped taking it personally. She wasn't doing something on purpose just to hurt me. She had a com pulsion to drink inspite of the damage she saw it causing and that was it!! With an open mind I learned that it could not hurt me unless I gave it permission and participated in the the process with it. I do and did play a part in everything that happens in my life. It doesn't happen without my participation!! Hello Wakeup!! I learned that I loved my alcoholic and hated the disease and I learned how to separate the two. Again that was understanding that I had a wife and my wife was an alcoholic. She was a funny lady, good with her children, good cook and bright. She was a very loyal and hardworking employee and a child of God. Of course she was also a rampant alcoholic. How great a loss!!
I got into the program and attended lots of meetings. I still do and I got a sponsor to talk to about how things were going with me rather than taking the chance of telling my alcoholic who didn't have the strength clear headedness, or focus to be helpful for me much less herself on top of that she was in denial and any subject that even touched on that subject didn't result in a placid heart to heart conversation. LOL We were not able to talk at all until after she got into recovery and was working a program and that was after 3 years or more of separation and a divorce. Finally we learned to love each other...finally!!
One thing I learned in program from an early sponsor is...If you don't like the feelings that come from doing what you're doing...Do the opposite (you get the opposite feeling). The opposite of anger (for me) is accept- ance. I don't accept how I was treated but accept that I was and move on...it's over. When I felt hatred I moved on to compassion and empathy which isn't the same as feeling sorry for but compassion with. When resentment was ripping my gut and brains out I went to forgiveness and my spirit got peaceful. Ahhhhh this program really works when you learn it and work it. Keep coming back because it does work when you work it. The pain is temporary. It won't last for ever.
I get into trouble when I think the other person is going to "see" how they hurt me either through my expressing my feelings....or my silence. Though expressing my feelings is important, I won't convince anyone or "make them understand". The ONLY way I've gotten rid of anger and resentment is with my HP's help. Lots of talking to a sponsor and recognizing that it might take time, but the anger will go eventually. Sometimes, distance is the only thing that works for me. I hear you.
I can certainly relate. I was obsessed with making the A "see me". He never did. I got to see me however. I hope you can come up with ways to make your christmas good for you. That is a way to turn the rage around to self preservation. Letting go is indeed an ardous task but when we do it there is something wonderful in shrugging all that obsession off.
