The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I need one of those smilies that's half smile/half crying. Or maybe just
The very first post I did here I talked about how afraid to go to face to face meetings because of some ugly things I percieved happened to me.
For a while, there's been no pull, no guilt, no fear that I was missing out. Just overwhelming relief. Slowly, I've been rebuilding what crumbled when all of this stuff happened.
Now, one of the people I felt most hurt by called me last night to tell me a recovering alcoholic we'd both known died. I felt sad, but not devastated or anything. It's one of the hazards of hanging out for a long time in the program.
The thing is she really seemed to want to reach out. The last time I saw her, I felt judged, condescended to and lectured. (I don't know if that's what happened. That's just how it felt) She and I discussed getting together Saturday night for an event with other Al-Anon people I haven't seen in a while.
I'm trying not to worry. It's a little thing, but I've kept myself safe for a long time and this feels vulnerable. I could use your prayers.
To set aside my resentment and fear. To stay true to myself. To act, not react.
For me personally one of the ways I do things is to always have a plan be. I've certainly interacted with someone who 's been rude to me in the past again. I don't know that I would set up tremendous hopes for a return to the past anymore. I can acknowledge my part but if someone's been rude to me I don't let them in very far anymore.
I've been dealing with this issue some with one of my roommates who I had a huge argument with this year. We have started talking again. She'd love to go back to the way it was before. I have boundaries now. I'm not as open and revealing as I once was. At the same time I have to work really hard on not throwing my own spoke in the wind. Expectations are everything for me, the lower they are the safer I am.
I have had some hard experiences in the program, too. I still wouldn't give up my f2f meetings for anything.
One thing to remember is that no matter how long any of us have been in this program, NONE of us is immune to the disease. I was really hurt by a friend who has 30 yrs in the program.
Now almost a year later I can see clearly that she is in the midst of a huge relapse. Al-Anons relapse too, and it is not pretty. It is terribly sad. I have cried for her a couple of times and for my loss of someone who helped me through some of the hardest months of my life. She was my rock when I first came into the program and I still think of her often and pray for her to find her way. I can't tell her how much I care right now because she would not hear me.
As Jean said, take a can opener for your mind and remember that none of us is in the program because we are perfectly healthy and well adjusted. Read up on the 12th Tradition and "principles above personalities". Then go and enjoy.
Hope this helps. Take what you like and save the rest for later. LOL
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks so much everyone. I haven't made up my mind yet. I've prayed for the right direction. Things seem to be piling up to put a halt to this anyway since a few things I have to do with my kids has interfered with the timing. I'm thinking my HP is giving me a message that I'm not ready. I may be rushing for a resolution. Patience is NOT my strong suit. The nice thing is that I think I feel a little better about dipping my toes in.
i have gotten that feeling, too. i am essentially a misanthropist, so any evidence to the contrary of what i expect is a nice surprise.
i'm thinking that the meetings (which i haven't gone to yet) will be somewhat like church...
i always had really bad experiences at churches. (i'm a preacher's kid, saw the seamy underbelly of the church) i avoid church like the plague.
most people, if given half a chance; want to appear perfect, talk pedantically to you, and leave you feeling judged and insecure, mind you, but a social microcosm is going to magnify the effect.
i go into any social interaction with a clear expectation that it will not go well and the people i interact with are going to be uncivil, rude, or spiteful towards me.
i find myself, for this reason, to be pleasantly surprised a great deal of the time.
__________________
Sell 'Crazy' somewhere else...we're all full up here."
