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I've been feeling pretty good the past couple of weeks, I guess it was time to test my recovery last night.
The past few weeks, one of my boundaries has been to sleep in another room if my AH has been drinking as he tends to wake me up in the middle of the night with his monologues and diatribes. This usually means bunking with my 8 year old and is now being interpreted as me trying to turn him against his dad. Go figure. Guess I need to clean out another room.
Last night, I gave in and went to bed in our room. I had just gone to sleep when AH decided he needed to "talk" to me. I stayed still and silent - no point in trying to argue, defend or reason. I know this tune very well, but I chose not to sing along this time. After a while, however, I gathered up my alarm clock and told him "I need to get some sleep - good night." Then went up and crawled into bed with my youngest.
After leaving a message on my cell phone telling me that he was "logging in to the record" that I was trying to turn our youngest against him, he then took it upon himself to come in to our son's room with his stuff. Which left me with a choice of letting him continue and wake up our kid, or return to my bedroom and try not to listen to him. I chose to let our child sleep in peace and went downstairs.
I resumed my position on my bed - attempted to meditate myself to sleep, use the serentiy prayer, ask HP to let me know the next right thing to do, etc.... He continues to harangue me. I'm a who just doesn't get it. blah blah blah. And on, and on - the counselor we went to told me I was the one who was messed up (partially true), he was the only one honest with her (oh, really? coulda fooled me), my actions of over 20 years ago (which I have recently come to realize are related to being ACOA) sent him over the edge and made him crazy. Oh - and the best part? He KNOWS I've seen a lawyer lately? Really? That's odd, I haven't spoken to one since our oldest was 14 months old - and she's nearly 20 now. Hmmm. All the while, I just stayed still and silent, occasionally dozing during the lulls in the storm.
He eventually decides that he needs to set the trash out (yay - for once) and leaves the room. This is about 2am. I doze off again. About 30-45 minutes later, he comes back in for the last chorus. More of the same.
I turn on my computer and find this email from him that he wrote at about 2:20:
"Don't with me. I will not with you. We have seen each other and have documented each others problems. Audio, video and all the rest.... So lets be cool. I still have a very strong emotion towards you. I want to work with you if you will work with me. You are not greater than me. I am not greater than you. My hangups are no worse than yours are. They are just different. Lets just hold hands and Go. And yes, I would like to hold hands with you and hold you. That's the in me I guess.
You let me know. I've been waiting for years."
So anyway, I'd like your thoughts on this. I'm not beating myself up for blurring my boundaries, and I'm working like crazy trying to stay detached. I see this as an indication that he sees me changing and it's making him uncomfortable. Oh there were also thinly veiled threats of physical violence if I turn our youngest child against him to. Nice.
You're right, he's feeling threatened by your behavior. Without your contributions that took the focus off him he is forced to look only at himself. The man in the mirror is probably pretty scary to him so his natural reaction is to divert in any manner possible. Sometimes it even makes them see reality :)
I'm sure it was all very difficult but you maintained exceptionally well. Since there was that veiled threat, I suggest you hide a packed back for you and the kids (take it to a family member or friends home) and hide extra car keys where you can get to them if needed. It may get worse as he feels more threatened. You can never be too safe too prepared.
Hang in there, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You're doing great! Good on you for standing up for yourself and a good night's sleep.
I too have the boundary - if AH drinks, I sleep in another room. I realized that he may interpret this as a negative act against him - I've gone to great pains to share my need. I absolutely cannot function without a good nights sleep. Its critical to my sanity and serenity. It is not intended as a punishment. A few times, he has really tried to interfere with my choice, once in an aggressive way. I realized I needed to set a new boundary. I got to the point, where if he couldn't respect my boundary, it was that important to me, that I would move myself and my son out. Period. Since then, he has respected the boundary, although he grumbles sometimes about my choice.
I can't tell you if this is right for you. I've learned that boundaries are not to get another person to do something. They represent what you will do if they are crossed. So I'm fully prepared to leave if I need to.
Sorry to hear about the veiled threat. My AH did not veil his threat. He went straight to aggression and it was frightening. I believe that this was so out of sorts for him that I'm safe. But I do have an emergency bag, a friend I can go to and a seperate bank account and PO box set up - just in case.
I hope this is helpful. Think carefully about what it means to look after you and your kids in this situation and ask HP for help. When you get to that place where you have the courage of your convictions - you know HP is guiding you and its right for you.
what u just described I called those long gotta talk fireside chats - jeeeeeze drove me nuts , we would sit up half the nite talking things out i would go to sleep thinking things would be diff now - and he wouldn't remember we even had the chat ??? took me awhile to learn how to stop them , I would simply tell him I would love to talk to him about this when he hasn't been drinking and say we could go out for supper etc and discuss it , of course that never happened by the waking me up did . I also cleared out another room * I am worth a new bed * so when drinking reached the stinky stage that is where I went to get some sleep . That councelor sounds like a real winner to me - dump her quick who needs that kind of crap. I have a freind who went to councelling for 3 yrs said he solved every problem he ever had EXCEPT he forgot to mention that he drank a quart and half of liquor a day and the councelor never asked him if he drank - go figure . detach with love look after you . Louise
I don't know your husband BG but if what you are saying is accurate about this event then I'd say that you live by a very wide river named denial. It's not in India but flows right thru your marriage. I hear fear and panic also.
One thing you might try regarding the late night, early morning one-sided dialogue is to ask him for agreement that dialogue takes place at a better time and place because your health requires it. Not a big request and certainly not one that is to demanding on his sensibilities or am I wrong?
If the threats are veiled ask him to explain more clearly what he is saying and meaning that you aren't able to determine what he is trying to say and your perception of it is confusing. "Could you help me understand..." is a good entry. Take what you like and leave the rest. It worked for me.
Oh yeah, the great long (for me, up to 7 hours) monologues. I recall them well.
I AM a person who needs good sleep. Full 8 hours of it. Daily.
This was one of the many ways he demonstrated his mental illness which was Bi Polar disorder. Long, long monologues. Keeping me up. I would fall asleep and he would shake me awake. I found out that this is technically considered physical abuse and can be as harmful as punching you in the stomach especially if its ongoing and you cannot get caught up. Mine used to take my car keys and lock doors in order to keep me near by during his long monologues. Often, I would curl up on the floor with my fingers in my ears. He was unable to stop because of his disease(s). All directed at how horrible I was and how I needed to improve myself, in great detail. He loved baiting me to participate. I stopped participating which made it even worse for myself. In the end, I never did participate, just curled up into the ball somewhere. It was so pathetic and sad and a real low point for me.
I had to leave because of stuff like this. How can anyone function with no sleep?! I could not. I needed to love myself more than I loved him. Hugs, J.
Whenever i have encountered situations like this I've always felt such concern for the entaglements and affects it has on my child. I feel sad with you. I agree with pp, you are worth a new bed (perhaps a new bedroom door lock as well!)
I've certainly had the long long nights of fights. The A and I often slept separately. I had no idea when he suddenly out of the blue had issue with when I had the television on. I have no doubt now that he destroyed one of the televisions. He woud project all his needs over me. There were such scenes!
Of course I also had my times of haranguing him. I had to come to al anon to stop that and really see that there was no place for that. I would still slip from time to time and harangue him again. That's one reason I make such an effort not to speak to the EX. I had nothing left but a harangue.
who just doesn't get it. blah blah blah. And on, and on - the counselor we went to told me I was the one who was messed up (partially true), he was the only one honest with her (oh, really? coulda fooled me), my actions of over 20 years ago (which I have recently come to realize are related to being ACOA) sent him over the edge and made him crazy. Oh - and the best part? He KNOWS I've seen a lawyer lately? Really? That's odd, I haven't spoken to one since our oldest was 14 months old - and she's nearly 20 now. Hmmm. All the while, I just stayed still and silent, occasionally dozing during the lulls in the storm.