The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all. Im new here and really need some es&h. I have been married to my H for 13 yrs. He is what most would call a dry drunk. He has not had a drink in 12 yrs, however, his behavior has not changed a lot since then. He is quite selfish and irresponsible. He has had court issues which were recently finished, only to be summoned back the next week, which he didnt go. The papers it on the fridge collecting dust. I have health issues, and am looking for work but having a very hard time finding something. He works but his pay isn't enough for us to live on. Basically he wnats it all without doing the work. I also think he is doing things behind my back. He is very secretive about things lately, especially what is on his cell. I've been waiting a week for him to move the emty fish tank so I can put up the tree for Christmas, which is going to be a disaster as we have no money. I am trying so hard to learn detachment and boundries. He can't see what he does affects me and his son. I'm so tired of watching him come home and sleep for two hours while I wonder how the electric will be on tomorrow. I have my own mental health issues and I don't know if I can become healthy with him around, it seems my anger is just building and building. I try to go to f2f meetings, but with all the running around I do, since he doesn't have a license, I just don't have time. Part of me wnas to tell him to get out. Financially I really wouldn't be much worse off, cause no one wnats to help when there is a man who is capable in the home......gahhhhhhhhhhh......sorry just needed to vent. BTW, I have gotten some hope just from the post here, so thanks for that.
Well there is a lot to sort out normally when we get here. So as a general rule there is a suggestion not to take any big actions for a while that is unless the situation is dire.
All of us seem to come here with real boundary issues. Christmas and the holidays are a hard time. I know I find it hard going.
I've also been there in the boat of not working and being dependent on an A. I had to really work personally on getting some independence, my dependence on him made me squirly with resentment. I did get a job, not a great job but I moved up after that.
The more help you can access for yourself the better. There are online meetings here they are good worth the effort of getting the software and stuff for.
Welcome to MIP! I'm glad you are here. There is plenty of ESH to learn from. Reaching out is a good step towards taking care of yourself, keep coming back!
Lyndie, I to welcome you to MIP! Glad you are here. f2f meetings last only one hour. If you only went to one meeting I think you would realize how important the Al-Anon program can be to you, and hopefully you would continue f2f meetings. But, at least by going to one meeting you could get a phone list with members of the group who have walked in your shoes you could call anytime during the week for support. That one hour (60 minutes), could be a life saver. Just something to consider, that we call ESH.
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place and you are not alone. My AHsober (separated by his choice) has been sober for over 20 years. He is a dry drunk in my opinion. All that I have gone thru with him sober is worse than anything that I went thru with him drunk. Google "Dry Drunk Syndrome" and it should pull up a from the Minnesota ......? It explains alot. They are underdeveloped emotional. They tell not to look to the A for much - He doesn't have it or can't do it. Take care of yourself. Get unbusy and go to a F2F meeting. It helps.
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place and you are not alone. My AHsober (separated by his choice) has been sober for over 20 years. He is a dry drunk in my opinion. All that I have gone thru with him sober is worse than anything that I went thru with him drunk. Google "Dry Drunk Syndrome" and it should pull up a from the Minnesota ......? It explains alot. They are underdeveloped emotional. They tell not to look to the A for much - He doesn't have it or can't do it. Take care of yourself. Get unbusy and go to a F2F meeting. It helps.
In support, Nancy
Thanks for the warm welcome. Nancy, what you said about going thru w/ them sober, oh how I can understand that one!!! I really think it makes it harder for us too. (I am a double winner myself, sober for 8 yrs.) I think it would be so much easier to have compassion if he was still drinking. I remember what I was like when I drank, but for the grace of my God, I don't think I'd be alive today. I did what I knew, and when I knew better I did better. How I wish he could see that. He lied to me again, siad he'd meet me at my brother's where I babysit to make some cash, but as usual he didn't show up and decided to come home instead. I don't know why I bother. I don't ask him to do anything in regards to church activities, even if they are at a friend's house, I ask and he always says no. I was in chat last night and said something like 'we love the person we want them to be'. I read that in a book today too. I am finally understanding that my H may not ever be who I want him to be, and I need to decide if I still love him, or do I love the person I wish he was, which is what is causing so much pain.
(((lyndie)))) Welcome to MIP! this is a wonderful forum and there is much to read about. The es&h you will receive will only help to make things better for you and your home....many of us that are in similiar situations to yours are here for you. i agree, that the face to face meetings are immeasurable for love and support. And the daily reminder books have been such a godsend!)
there are meetings here 2x a day ( schdl link at top of this website page) in the chat room, so if you can't make a local meeting...please drop into the chatroom for one!
Welcome to MIP! this is a wonderful forum and there is much to read about. The es&h you will receive will only help to make things better for you and your home....many of us that are in similiar situations to yours are here for you. i agree, that the face to face meetings are immeasurable for
love and support. 
And the daily reminder books have been such a godsend!)
~ Your Worth IT!