For 20 yrs. Christmas has been been a difficult time for me. Twenty yrs. ago I had a beautiful daughter, born Dec. 3, died on January 9th. We shared only one Christmas. From then on I allowed it to change all the rest. I have pictures of me holding her while she stared at the sparkling tree. She would have been 20 last week.

I am grateful: I have found gratefulness in my son. Although a pc. of me will always long for the child I lost, HP gave me a son that continues to be the light of my life. I wouldn't have him had the tragedy not occured.

I lived with my A's alcoholism our entire marriage and felt very alone, as we all do. Most people don't understand being lonely while you are married. He finally got sober. I was his caretaker for 4 mo. after his very rough and life threatening detox. As soon as he was able to return to work he was offered a job in Alaska and left our home. Beyond that 4 mo. of caretaking I have never lived with him while sober. The job was for 3 mo. It turned in to 2.5 yrs. (so far).

I am grateful: Even though I waited an eternity to spend "sober time" with my husband HP knew exactly what my husband needed. Can he be any further from the bar and his drinking buddies? What a beautiful place to recover. Mountains, seas, wildlife etc. Every time I go I am in awe.
I have been to Alaska 5-6 times and was able to take 2 out of 3 kids so far. I also took my cousin once. I could never have remotely imagined that I would have the opportunity, let alone be financially stable enough to take others.

My son of course loved his Dad but also saw the alcoholism and what it did to our family his entire life. He was able to do all the things boys do, but it was mostly with me. The dad/son bond was lacking.

I am grateful: That they were able to go hunting together and walk for hours in the woods, spend time in the cabin, laughing and some serious talk too. I'm sure some amends were made. Son told me, "you know, Dad's a pretty cool dude."

Sometimes I think how ironic this all is. My life has done a 360. I felt alone while married to an active A and now I am alone, married to a sober A, and happy!. Somehow we make it work. We are stronger then ever. We have overcome huge past resentments and are moving forward. At first I felt much sadness for all the time lost, as a couple and for Dad and son. I felt happy for him but also slighted that he was gone. I learned to let that all go. It was infringing on my joy. Why bring that old baggage and poison with me in to my new life?

We talk every single night. I get a "Good Morning" email daily. I hear "I love you" every night, without the slurr and the babbling that used to come with it and make it have little meaning.
I am married to a miracle. Someone that used to work daily, but go to the parking lot at 10 a.m. to drink in his car then roll home and pass out. Someone that almost lost his life 2x and fought to recover. Someone that has been promoted 2x in the last 2.5 yrs and now has people that call him boss. Someone that has made every possible effort to be a man, husband and Father of the highest quality and standard.

I hope in this case it's OK to go on and on about an alcoholic instead of keeping the focus on me.

I am grateful
I am blessed

Christy




-- Edited by Christy at 12:51, 2008-12-09