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The posts here have been so great lately. I have been plugging along each day. A bit concerned that my ODAT attitude may actually be denial. Thought I had the holidays all handled, emotionally that is. I really wasn't too stressed, for I realized that they always come and always go, and this year can only be better than those of the past two.
My plan... make it different. Had daughter pick out new stockings and tree skirt. Cut down a free tree from friend's property rather than get an expensive groomed tree. Got different lights. We always celebrate at my folks' house on Christmas Eve and are home for Christmas morning. I thougt we would have our own family celebration on Eve before we leave, then my kids suggested we spend the night. I will bring the kids to thier dad's early Christmas morning. Ahhh.. sounds so simple..... yeah, right!
Early in counseling when discussing divorce, one of the big concerns my kids expressed was about how Christmas would be affected. Thus, I want to be sensitive to that, but need to start new traditions as well. I plan on making it pretty simple and practical in the gift department. New cell phones (via free upgrades) for the older two and a bike for the youngest, with a few other small gifts.
My problem? AH sends a nice, upbeat text to me requesting we go in together on gifts, and for the youngest he wants to get a power wheels car (the kind they drive). Besides the fact that it is 3x what I am planning on spending, the bottom line is that I don't want to go in with him. I want to be separate this year. I have always managed Christmas. We'd have some discussion about the "big" gift, but for the most part I'd do it all. Then, at the last minute, he'd go shopping and buy the "hero" gifts, usually something we had not discussed or budgeted for.
So, here is the crazy part. I am torn between really pushing for what I want (separate celebrations) or just keeping it simple and saying ok to sharing the cost (which really means me just absorbing it) and tolerating Christmas morning as we always have. I want to say that my kids are what make me hesitate, but I know that isn't entirely true. I think they will be happy either way. The truth is, that I know I am doing much better financially than him right now, and I don't want to deal with conflict or the guilt of making it difficult for him. His financial situation still very much has an impact on me. Also, I know how to "do" Christmas. I know how terrible that sounds.... I need to give him more credit than that.
I also am afraid to just deal with this issue. Will he get mad? Will he blame me? Will he run out and get the expensive gifts anyhow? I know, I know, don't project. Hard to do when you know someone so well.
Last thing, I want the kids to have a nice celebration on Christmas Day too. I asked AH's sister if there would be plans. She informed me that my AH and kids are more than welcome, but felt my AH probably wouldn't be comfortabe in that all of her h's family would be present and that they are planning on having a wine tasting. Anyhow, I say this because it makes me think that Christmas Eve would probably be a better time for AH to have the kids and be with his family. That is, provided AH decides to join his family. He compeletely declined Thanksgiving.
I just had to get this out. Perhaps I am over-thinking it all. I think what bugs me the most is that while I have been thinking I have detached, maybe I really am not. I am still concerned about my AH. He has been so mean and uncaring to me. He brought another woman in. He didn't even try to preserve our family. Why do I still care about making it easy for him? I gotta pray about that one.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I totally relate to what you're saying. I've always "done" Christmas at my house too - my AH used to participate, but hasn't in several years. It's much easier to criticize what I do if he doesn't LOL.
Here are my thoughts and ramblings - take what you like and leave the rest:
He's gonna do what he's gonna do. If he wants to overspend, that's his choice and his problem. My thought is that you have done a good job setting your boundaries and need to stick to them. If he gets mad and blames your for stuff, that's his problem too. It's entirely possible that he will do this no matter what you do, so you might as well enforce your boundaries and feel better about it in the long run.
Keeping it simple and practical like you have planned sounds like the way to go, in my opinion. You've got a good handle on the gift front and I like how you're establishing new traditions for your kids. It doesn't matter what gifts your AH comes up with - your kids will know you're the true hero. You're the one with a program!
Hey... I remember when you talked like the other woman was ok, you were still willing to work with that... now you're seeing that differently. You have changed and grown soooo much since first coming here!
Here's what I hear and please correct me if I'm wrong: Gee honey, this Christmas thing is just so much trouble and I'm so broke and I really don't want to put forth the effort of shopping and wrapping and deciding what to get... so how bout I give you a few dollars to buy some really extravagent gifts and then maybe or maybe not come in with a few more from myself making me look oh so good.
I think you pretty much outlined in the beginning of your story what it is that YOU want and you sounded like you had put some thought into it. If it were me I would stick with the plans I had made and here's a great big hooray for new traditions! Here's the thing. Focus on your part. It's not your problem to deal with if they have wine tasting at his family's house that's his part to deal with. He can have the kids at his house if he chooses to do that instead.
This is where I always run into problems, when I try to make my plans around other people. If I say this is what I'm doing.... and whatever you're doing is for YOU to decide... then I'm setting my boundaries and I am not disappointed by someone elses imposition on me because I don't allow it. Obviously there is a reason you made the plans you did, whether you're tired of the same old routine at Christmas, you're ready to move on and have your own traditions, whatever... Go with your gut and don't be guilted into doing something you really don't want to do! As you said, you owe him nothing, if anything he owes you something and it doesn't sound like he's recognized that. There's no rule in the book that says "make it easy for them" - in fact, I think it says the opposite (don't rescue them).
Do you have your final divorce decree yet? If so, aren't the holiday visitations spelled out? I think you sound well prepared in what you want to do. I imagine your children will adjust as they well know it won't be like in the past. Kids are so resilient and I think they will adjust to it. If their dad choses to spend too much, that is his problem. Easy to say, I know, but true. Holidays are so fraught with emotions. In our family, EXDIL has full custody of the grandbaby. My son was without legal counsel at time of divorce. This is not a good situation. Last year, EXDIL kept the grandbaby from him and from us because she got upset with something I said. This year the plan is better. I am better. My mouth is shut; my other cheek is turned and ready. So we will have the grandbaby starting around noon on Christmas Day, overnight, and the next day. I have accepted that the Christmas holiday is not going to be "norman rockwell" (as if it ever was) and that I will take it all in stride. The grandbaby knows he will have two Christmases. We don't stress the Santa myth...we don't deny it, just dont push it. His Daddy has absolutely NO money to spend except what I give to him. He has been unemployed since July, is taking classes to upgrade some skills and will hopefully pass his exams and be prepared for new year. Life has been hard. Holidays and trying to preserve what I dream of are hard. Just trust that you are making good choices for you and the kids; your AH will take care of himself, perhaps not in the way you would like, but will take care his way nonetheless. I hope and wish you the best for peace and contentment as the holidays unfold.
Lou, are you ready to let him go? Are you ready for doing this on your own, in your own way with your own, new traditions?
What you had and the way you had it is over. Now, you get to do what you want, how you want it with him not involved at all.
If it were me in your position I would simply say that we are no longer a couple in any way shape or form and all holidays from here on out will be celebrated seperatly. He is free to do/get whatever he wants and he does not have to run it by you and you would request that he doesn't. You have your own life with the children to live.
I am sorry but the sense of entitlement really sparks me. He destroyed his family. He chose to walk away and be with someone new. Out of respect for the new woman he should be planning his holiday with her and not trying to keep you attached thru the kids.
There is no reason why (unless he choses not to) he cannot co-parent with you.
Be strong and start your changes NOW. Do not wait till next year or the next holiday. Because if you do all you are saying to him is "we'll just stick with the staus quo so that YOUR life isn't too disrupted and don't worry about little ole me....." That didn't work for you when you were married did it?
You HAVE changed, you have allowed that strong, classy, intelligent woman that was always inside you out! Do NOT stuff her away just cause your ex acted nice. That would be unfair to you and to your kids.
How about a different option = keep it simple and reply briefly and equally upbeat, gosh, I've already got my purchases planned this year and I really don't have any extra - that won't work out for me, but thanks for thinking of me.
My parents divorced in the spring, and the following Christmas was sort of an acid test. Of course being 11 years old, I didn't see it that way at the time, I only knew what I wanted - for everybody to be together. I just assumed it would happen. I don't remember the exact sequence, but there are 8mm movies where my dad is carving the turkey, acting like he still is lord of the dinner table, and also bringing his "hero" gift for my mom, which was supposed to be from us to her. If I know how things really were, mom probably paid for it herself one way or another.
I don't remember the next year. I think after that we did our own single-mom Christmas, and dad may have dropped by later but that was it. There were only 4 divorce Christmases - dad died before the 5th, and my Christmas present that year (a musical instrument that was not a barisax) was paid for by what little life insurance he had.
Christmas is now kind of wacky. I still have my mom, my ex-wife's kids, my brother, and my fiance and her large family. There's no chance all of us will be together at the same time. I call around to anybody I want to be at my house and try to schedule my Christmas when they can all make it, if possible - may or may not be on Christmas day. And I go to the others if possible, but I don't lose sleep over who's there and who isn't anymore.
In spite of coming from an alcoholic home, and being one myself, I really only remember two Christmasses that were not very happy. Back to back, 1977 and 1978. Mom had remarried, and Christmas Day was spent with her new in-laws. We had our normal Christmas on Christmas Eve, which left me with noplace to go on Christmas. In 79, I said the hell with it, bought my own monster Scotch Pine which we decorated with every single light and ornament that mom had retired when she went to a fake tree. It fell over from the weight, and my brother and I had a good laugh over that.
Even in 94 when I was divorced the first year, it seems like Christmas was ok. And in 95, my daughter and granddaughter came back into my life and nothing as been the same since!
I liked your plan. It sounded simple and what felt right to you. Just do it. I never imagined that I would be in the position that I am in with my sons father living in another state and town. We have tried Christmas and holidays together. I am getting so I don't like them because it is so strained. People must be very uncomfortable around us. Especially me! I am leaning towards telling him to have Christmas with our sons at his house on Christmas Eve and have them come to my house Christmas morn. To hard to put on a happy face.
The whole share with other people thing usually ends up with me doing most of the work. As someone who is struggling with lots of boundaries I now tend to really work on the separate. The A who I was with sent these nice messages after a while. I still wasn't ready to do much cooperative with him there's no need for me to do it either.
I think you are very wise to be looking at your own traditions.
