The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He is half drunk much of the time lately. Half drunk and defensive. I would like to be able to kick him to the curb, even though I love the man he is when he is sober. I have had enough drinking, promising, drinking, promising. He lies; he drinks; he promises; All too familiar isn't it?
But now I have figured out why I let him stay. I cannot fix the washer; I cannot fix the cable or the computer; I cannot handle day-to-day chores that go along with being a home owner. I cannot open the can or light the gas fireplace. I cannot see to the vehicles. I have never had to do those kinds of things. Even as a youngster at home, there were people employed by the family who took care of any and all problems. I was never even allowed to go into the kitchen. Cook? HA! I don't think so.........I never learned to be self-sufficient. I simply panic when something goes wrong, and the A takes care of it.
Facing this truth has been hard for me...Me who considers herself a mountain of strength; me who advises "dump the jerk", but cannot even dump her own jerk.
I bought that condo on Maui. Hawaii awaits. I have not been there since I bought the place. Too chicken to go on alone, and he doesn't want to live there.
What a rude awakening!!
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 21:24, 2008-12-08
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Don't be so hard on yourself Diva, I know the spot you are in, I am the same with vehicles etc and the same for cooking, though I'm trying and know you are too. I know the defensive bit too, it is annoying.
Very honest post. Just because you can't do certain things, doesn't mean that you couldn't do them or you couldn't stand on your own. There are so many things I can't do, and I relied on Tim to do them. But I am starting to remember what I did before he was back in my life. I have a steady list of male friends whom I can call when things need fixing. I lovingly refer to them as my "rent-a-husbands". Tim use to laugh at this when I told him. He didn't mind that they helped me when I needed it. He was actually comforted by the fact that I had surrounded myself with people who could do certain things I couldn't. I called on one just the other day. It gave me peace of mind to know that I don't have to know how to do everything.
You are a strong woman and we all know it. I have no doubt that if you wanted to be on your own you could. Of that I am 150% sure. You would be just fine. Love and blessings to you and your family. Kiss the animals for me.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have needed to learn to do some of that stuff and its quite satisfying, I must admit. I like being more self sufficient.
And I also enjoy asking for help when I need it and there are always many many kind and wonderful people HAPPY to help! Just today I needed to deal with some car stuff and VIOLA: all went down without a hitch, wonderful people at every turn to help if I just humble myself and ask and there it is!!
it feels good to let someone help, too. I can see it makes them feel good too. Just like when I help someone else. It all goes round. It all comes around.
Of course you love him. Nothing wrong with that. Hugs, J.
Wow, sometimes honesty is hardest with ourselves isn't it? It takes a lot of guts and recovery to admit when our pride is getting in the way of our recovery. This is really a huge step.
Now, you can get on with the business of really learning to take care of you, not just pretending to. I know it will be hard and pretty uncomfortable, but you truly are a couragous woman and you will find your way.
I am so glad you have shared this. It really helps to hear how others are struggling and growing. Every one of our stories are different, but it is the similarities that really count.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think you may have just helped me to "figure it out"! I, too, have always had people to do for me the things I couldnt do, or was unwilling to do for whatever reason. I am finding that the more I learn to do for myself, the more strength I gain, in so many ways. As some others have said, there are so many people out there that are willing to help if they are simply asked. I am learning that myself. Being a teacher, I should know by now that no question is stupid except for the ones that are left unasked. I used to think that it was a weakness to ask for help, but I am learning that it takes more courage to admit that we dont know everything than to just muddle thru somehow. Do what is right for you, and keep on doing it. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
You are right about one thing...You're chicken! ((((hugs)))
That being said, there's no doubt in my mind you can do every one of the things you mentioned. It's like everything else in life, we find we can do things once we make a decision to go for it.
After hubby moved to Alaska I had to learn to do a whole bunch of things I never thought possible. Hooking up a gas dryer, installing faucets, laying laminate flooring, putting in toilet parts etc. If I didn't have anyone to ask I googled it till I found out how to do what I needed to do.
Uh, I did forget to turn off the water (well, I didn't know I had to) when I put the toilet parts in and water shot up about 6 ft..lol. I was stuck there for about 15 minutes with my hand over it. Thank God for cell phone in my pocket! Actually it was pretty darn funny.
My dear friend Diva, I believe in you. I also believe there is nothing you couldn't learn to do. I'm not a mechanic, but I'm capable of making an appointment for my car. Jars are still a problem, I'm a runt and have pretty small hands but I just whack the lid's edge a few times with something and I can usually get it. I was worried too about how I would handle everything, and a lot has come to pass that I have to deal with. It's a learning process just like everything else. I can't tell you how many times my husband has said "You did what?"
I didn't tell him about the laminate flooring. I surprised him when he walked in the house. He said "how much did this set me back and who did it?" I got to say "Daughter and I did it". We learned how to use a miter saw (it cuts angles so corners will meet and match) because we had to install new molding and chair rail. It wasn't an easy task but I felt a huge sense of accomplishment when done. I could go on and on about the things I've learned to do but you get the picture. There's nothing to fear but fear itself!! Go for it. There's always a solution.
P.S. I used to be afraid to pump my own gas..didn't know how.
much love Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 22:06, 2008-12-08
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I so hear you, you have said what I have thought at times. It's funny though when you are on your own you somehow manage, I was on my own at 30 with a small child and you will laugh when you hear how I Cleaned up the flooded laundry 4 times Flirted with the car repairman to try and get a cheap service Found the screwdriver & fixed broken things Asked the men at my work for advice/help (They always came through) Mowed the lawns Organised repairs/assistance for things I couldn't do myself The thing that surprised me the most was that i could do it. that I was much more capable of practicle things than I EVER imagined and that people often like to help out when they know you are struggling. If there is no one else to do it it gets put on the back burner for a bit until you find a way or find someone to help a bit or until the next pay cheque LOL My English teacher many moons ago told me that most people in their lifetime only acheive 5% of their actual capabilities OMG
I hear your worries and they are the very real very scary concerns that you have to face when thinking about the future and I remember how utterley terrifying they can be.
I used to break it down in to order of priority first a roof over my head, then caring for my son, then my job,then power, food, phone if I could afford it, self care & rest & everything else was kinda not too much of a major
This is such a great string about "making do" and demonstrates that you can teach an old dog new tricks! I just moved, am single, 45. I do not know much about cars, really and first and foremost I admit it and ask for help- like i had to recently when someone hit my parked car and shoved it up into the front yard of my house! A cop came to make a report and he helped to push it back out of the yard onto the street.
I was never taught how to cook or clean. I had to learn all that and am quite good at it now. I also find it highly highly therapeutic for me. When I feel badly, I wash the floor. Its like a meditative zen practice to do it very carefully and slowly. It makes me stay right in the present moment, too. I always feel better after I do this. Every single time. Self care, self maintenance, caring for my space and my self.
Whenever I am in a situation like that I say: "OK HP, you want me here, now what?" I leave it to HP and it always works out just fine. Really. With or without any alcoholics around. I can live with them and I can live without them. I made choices to live without them, under my roof. My decision. My life. Hugs, J.
You are strong and intelligent, Diva. You can certainly learn how to be self-sufficient and are probably much more than you already know. Truly, in this day and age, there is someone out there with a business whom you can hire to do whatever you need done. As I write, there are two guys here cleaning our tile grout and tiles and repairing 10 cracked ones. My spouse is griping that "I could have cleaned that myself".....I just shrug and say, well you didn't have to. We hire our lawn mowed. We are getting ready to hire our housecleaning done come 2009. I cook but nothing near what I used to. When I married my spouse I couldn't boil water. My mom had always done everything; because I was a good student, loved to read, active in school she never required a thing of me. When I got married I realized that wasn't such a good thing, but also realized that I had absorbed lots from just being in the house with her. When I had my son I started early teaching him everything. He cleans, cooks, and does laundry. He did all that in his marriage, so that one his EX couldn't gripe at him about. He also did wonders with baby tending and raising and still does. Ah well, it is puzzlement when we start looking at our lives. If you do indeed move to Hawaii to that condo, lots of problems are handled by living in that kind of home. Someone else handles your repairs and upkeep. Hang in there. I appreciated your post today. And I agree: start with learning how to light the fire. Step one, and onward and upward.
I remember when I realized I was being selfish and not being the best mom I could be. That was hard. It's hard to look at yourself honestly like that and really ask what's the benefit to me by continuing this. I am SURE we have all been guilty of taking the easy way out instead of doing the right thing. I KNOW I have!! I love my condo for the very same reasons. Dishwasher quit working on Sunday and I make a call Monday and it's all better. Renting has it's benefits. There are plenty of handyman services! No harm in learning new things either! Take a cooking class, drop the car off at the quickie lube, all of these things can be resolved and you'll find when necesity mandates it you'll figure out what to do pretty quickly. So now that you have this brilliant revelation, what are you going to do with it?
Rude or not, it does sound very much like an awakening, and those are hard work. Well done.
Now you get to decide what you will do next. Not every future move for the rest of your life - just one next thing. Maybe learning to start the fire, or practice screwing a light bulb in and out to prove you can, or making a call to get a tradesperson to come take care of one task, like washing the windows.
My sponsor tells how she stuck with her rampantly active and unfaithful AH for years, determined to make it work, and also sure she couldn't manage without him. One day the toilet quit working. She had a number to call her A, called it, and his GF answered. She hung up, something shifted, and she called a plumber. Wow. She could do it after all.
There are even cool classes you can take for some of this stuff, though adult ed or a local community college, where you get to meet people and have fun learning. Cooking, car maintenance, basic handywoman skills - it's all out there. If you wanna learn - go for it. If you don't - practice using the yellow pages.
I felt helpless for a long time. Now I don't feel that way. I make plans and fulfil them then I make other plans. I certainly could not imagine being without the A. Now I am.
I do know the thought of leaving him was very difficult for me.
These AHA moments hurt sometimes. Thank you for sharing.
I undersand your feelings. A little background before I get to my point I pretty much lived on my own from 10 on up, the basics were taken care of, a roof, water, heat, electric, some food ... the rest was up to me. I taught myself to cook, dragged laundry to the laundromat, called the landlord when a problem happened, and found people to teach me what I needed to know or books or making misatakes, many mistakes. When my parents grew up and I started spending time around them, I learned more ... business management, construction, how to use power tools (thumns up it's fun). It took some work training those lovely men in my life to not treat me like a girl, well at least not while I was in their world. It was a nice combo of being surrounded by women and girl issues at a hair salon all week, to putting on coveralls and playing with the boys on weekends and special projects. I resented alot of my childhood for a long time, now I am grateful. As I lose vision I can't do some things, dangerous. I fought to get back the no fear of taking a sledge hammer and knocking down a wall, I know I can put it back up. I wish that for you. No Fear of trying!
I know you are strong enough, stubborn enough and smart enough to figure out how to do or find the person who can do anything you want to accomplish.
(((Diva))) Fear of the unknown. I guess I would have to ask myself what would I do if something happened to my A tomorrow? What would you do? Think about that question as if it really happened.
My feeling is you have a decision to make concerning detachment. You may or may not be ready to decide. Nothing wrong with that. Each of us detach in our own time when it is right for us. Only you can decide for yourself.
We are close to the same age Diva, remember life is short. Take care of yourself, and be happy what ever decision you make.
Humble and angry at the same time...Kinda like high octane gas for better energy.
I remember my awakenings; most all of them and the most important part of them especially those that occured with my early sponsor who use to ask me....Okay Jerry F, now that you know; What now? What do I do with what I now know?
Thanks for the memories (((((Diva))))). Keep coming back.
Let me add that "he" helps in this learned helplessness. He probably told you that you can't do it or don't do it well enough. GO FOR IT! Just do it. You will be pleasantly surprised as I have been. You can do alot or get neat people to help you.
