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I have been practicing detachment for about a month now, and my family is rebelling against this idea. I have been trying to do things to improve my outlook on life and the way I live. Such as not caretaking as much and letting my daughters take care of themselves more (They are 18 and 20) they are beginning to rebel and make things more difficult for me. I have an auto-immune ailment that causes me to break out in hives if I do not get enough rest. I have been taking care of myself and not doing as much and resting more. Hence the laundry is not always done and the meals are not always made. I believe (and know) that they are both old enough to do these things on their own - but they don't like this process and have been making me feel really guilty. Because by the time I get home from work I am pretty much wiped out.
I know I need to be strong (but that is not my best feature - I am a serious people pleaser) and to blow them off but I'm finding it really difficult. My eldest will be living with us until June - so I keep telling myself to tough it out.
My AH makes it more difficult also - because he then yells at the girls to do more and then takes off to the bar or hunting or wherever. I am then left to pick up the pieces of a family in turmoil. I have repeatedly asked him not to do this, but when he's drinking he gets very belligerent and controlling. Therefore everyone around is his servant and must do what he says when he says it. Otherwise he gets in your face and preaches for a long time. So I seriously try not to say anything to him just to keep the peace. There are days I am just exhausted and can't even think clearly.
I just feel like everyone's maid - and I know I need to take the bull by the horns and tell everyone that this is just the way it is - to grow up and take respondibility for themselves. I am just airing out my feelings, because I really do love my kids and they are really good kids - just spoiled.
But I will keep practicing detachment because it's a good, healthy thing!
I'm the breadwinner in our household and am disgustingly healthy and even then maintaining a full time job, plus kids' activities/school work/etc... AND keeping ahead of the housework is too much for me. I can't imagine trying to do it if I had an auto-immune ailment like you. That just goes to show just how strong you really are!
Here's what I've been doing that cut down on my workload - take what you like and leave the rest:
Laundry duty: I simply quit doing laundry for those who were perfectly capable of doing it themselves. Me and my 8 year old always have clean clothes to wear as well as clean sheets and towels. My two older kids (both of which have since moved out) figured it out on their own by the time they were in high school. Occasionally, if I had the time and energy to do more, I'd offer. If no one took me up on it, that was fine too. I don't whine, complain or nag. I just do what needs to be done and move on. If anyone else has dirty clothes, they know where the laundry room is.
Dinner: My AH typically has this responsibility, but I try to keep plenty of things on hand for Plan B for those evenings when he's too far gone to take care of dinner. Worst case, I can always go to Subway and feed those who need to be fed for a relatively small price.
Dishes: They get done when they get done. We use a lot of paper plates in my house. :)
My house is cluttered, but not totally disgusting, and my clean laundry may not always make it to the closet or my dresser, but that's ok. I'm not out to impress Martha Stewart or anything :).
There is no need for you to justify or defend the changes you are making for your own self-preservation. Anyone who complains or rebels can be met with a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" and nothing else. They won't like it the first few times, but if you are consistent, they'll eventually get the message and adjust. For the second time today, I find myself saying that I never would have believed this would work, but it really does in time.
Continue to take care of yourself - you're no good to anybody else anyway if you don't!
It really is hard to change the way we think about the kids responsibilities, but if we are honest with ourselves, we will realise that doing for them what they are capable of doing for themselves just handicaps them and keeps them dependent on us.
The reality is that it is selfish in a bad way to keep our kids dependent and unable to care for themselves. It is selfish in a good way to say I can only do so much and you can pull your own weight. It teaches them that they do not have to be superwomen/man when they get married and have children. They will learn that they do not have to give away thier lives for those that they love. It also teaches them that we have great respect for thier abilities. Often if we show them this kind of respect, they will be mad at first, then will respect us more later, when they have found that they are capable.
You are doing really well. Keep it up. As Al-anon says one person getting better often has a positive effect on the whole family.
HTH
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hey slowlearner I am sure helping out won't kill them! When are they moving out? Good grief it's not a motel!!!
One nice response to their new winging is 'Oh dear'
You could try saying look kids i am going to cook on these 3 week nights and thats it as I need a bit of a break since I'm working so much and getting a bit tired these are the days just to let you know......so on the other days you can either get your own take out or rustle a liitle easy cookin.
You deserve to have a bit of a rest they are total grown ups!
If you do it in a nice cheerful way they will be sweet.
SELF CARE is sooo good, time out, rest, hot baths, treats for you, chill out breaks, relaxing walks, chats with friends, music
People don't like change. My kids can't wait to be 18 and move out so they can make all their own decisions and have their house as messy as they like and pierce or tattoo whatever they want to on their bodies! I insist that everyone help out. Certain things have to be done, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, taking out the trash... I get pretty freaked out over a dirty kitchen but I clean it myself without complaining. I think the complaining is the worst part. With your kids being 18 and 20 they should feel lucky to even be living with you and not having to be off making their way in the world. I think we do our kids a serious disservice by doing everything for them and not having expectations. My parents never made me do a thing and I struggled for a VERY long time because of it. Learning to cook and clean is important to survival and I CERTAINLY don't want my kids to be dependent on me as adults! I'm looking forward to having my life back at some point!
I think as parents it's our job to teach kids that you can't always have it your way and even if it's no fun, a chore, or even a nightmare you still have to do things you don't want to do in this world. It teaches resillence!
Well it is hard going. I think people pleasing is a hard one to break. Have you read pieces on it like books. Pia Melody is particularly good. We have to tough it out to go from people pleasing to boundary making. You can detach from your own need to please too. Give it a while to settle in.
Of course no one likes it when you go from being boundaryless to having boundaries.
yeah, my sister has a daughter like this. runs her ragged. her gig/choice. Hard to watch, though. And the girl is being severely handicapped, just like Jen says. It is like breaking a limb on them or something, I swear. Hugs, J.
