The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
when I first came into this program I had no idea what I was doing to bring me into such chaos. I really viewed myself as a caring, loving, giving person. I saw many of the issues as being the A's. His drug use, his irresponsibility, his chaos.
Over time and I'd had a few years into this program I've come to see that I regularly turn my will and my life over to others. Most of the time its a boyfriend/husband, other times its a boss.
This year I dated a man briefly who was demanding and really every word he said was a lie. I have no idea why he wanted to impress me.
I was absolutley furious with him and cut off all contact. I did not do it with much grace.
This week I met him again. Nothing has changed. He still lies. Like many liars he forgets what the last lie was. Again I have no idea why he would feel the need to impress me with his lies. I'm not impressed. I'm also not really that interested in why he feels the need to lie.
Rather than make it a huge dramarama. I just am letting it go. I am clear I do not want to pursue anything at all with a liar. Even a social outing would be too much. I can be polite but that's about it.
In addition, the more I am really working on taking care of myself, and it is work, downright hard work most days, the less I really want to be around people who dont' take care of themselves. I'm super clear the A who I was with never took care of himself a day in his life. If I were taking care of myself I'd certainly see it. Now when I meet people who compulsively don't take care of themselves I'm put off. I'm not attracted as I once was (in my need for dependence) I don't see it as an attractive trait anymore. I see it as a huge huge red flag. I'd don't run from them but really I have no desire to pursue much.
I can now see it wasn't all the A. Some of it was me. Certainly his alcoholism brought "us" to a standstill. Nevertheless I am now quite clear that our relationship was built on mutual dysfunction rather than mutual understand or caring. Certainly there were good times, he was not always so totally out there, certainly there were good intentions. Nevertheless neither one of us took care of ourselves so the result was certain to be disaster.
(((mariese))) you seem so very strong.. i love it! and yes we all just want to feel love and be around others that believe as we do.... that there is love and joy and place for inner peace and life doesnt have to be full of chaos and instability every day. i think your doing great and have grown so much. its true, it is progress not perfection. and having no expectations except for in myself... and to grow in program. i hope to have strengths and focus as you do to keep moving forward and keep giving the A(ah) to his HP/God. to stay focused in program and keeping the faith that Today is a good day and tomorrow is full of hope for me. i like that. you rock!
Yes your awareness astounds me and you have come so far. It can be a pain in the butt to deal with people who are damaging at times and I particularly like your insight about handing over your life to others, I still do this and this is a wake up call for me. I have a particular friend whose calls I now take less and less who is so negative, I am depressed after the call. I frequently handed over my life to her and it wasn't pretty. I have set boundaries with my father who is all over me now my step mom has died, that was difficult and I found the guilt of not wanting to deal with him very tiring. It took me a while to process. I'm delighted you are so strong and am very thankful for your insights on this board.
Maresie, you are a real inspiration for me. I think we started on MIP at around the same time or at least I can recall very much relating to your posts a couple years back. I know what you mean about how its now unattractive to be met with people who do not take care of themselves or who do not have any kind of self-respect or dignity.
Its like, my god, you are a grown man/woman. You can take care of yourself! Please!
The thing is, I just get so incredibly lonely sometimes. Yet I am alone. Sometimes quite so. Must be where I am supposed to be. I have a great new therapist now and I will figure some things out with her. It is not going to be easy but I feel like I am in a good place to be doing this, being that I am alone right now. Better to do this work when I am single instead of when I am in a relationship. And when I really seriously honestly look at myself, I am not ready to be in a relationship. I am not really available. But I do feel lonely.
But this is much better than being knocked around and intimidated by a big bipolar alkie, right?! Absolutely. I love my quiet peaceful home and I really love being able to sleep in total peace and safety. What an incredible gift!!!! Hugs, J.
you seem so very strong.. i love it! and yes we all just want to feel love and be around others that believe as we do.... that there is love and joy and place for inner peace and life doesnt have to be full of chaos and instability every day. i think your doing great
and have grown so much. its true, it is progress not perfection. and having no expectations except for in myself... and to
grow in program.