The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ex ABF, sober 10 yrs and very much in program, and I have been staying in communication through email and phone. I advised him that I could not be just his friend, and that if he was staying in touch out of obligation to the program or me that I did not want to stay in touch, but if he was staying in touch because we both had the same hopes of working this out one day and making it better than before then that was fine. Needless to say he called after getting the email, advised that he had read it and understood. However he refuses to see me in person. I asked if he even wanted to see me and he would not answer and became agitated. Advises that he forgives me for all the "mean" things I did and does NOT hold them against me, BUT knows himself and knows that he "needs time, time to let it go and get well himself" before he can even think about giving me a fair chance again because of all that hurt I caused. I make the remark that I am putting forth effort to get things back and he again gets aggitated and advises that he is NOT putting forth any effort to get us back together, that the only effort he is putting forth is working on himself, and focusing on himself because that is the only chance we have. And i tell him that he is ruining the holidays and I am ticked off at him for it and blame him for keeping us apart, and feel that each day that passes we are farther apart and I am angrier at him and HOW can that be helping us. and he just says he doesnt blame me for being mad. He sends me an email that says he loves me and that if I fight for hope and he fights for space that we are still fighting-I agree and agree again to respect his boundaries and give him his "space". Yet every time I agree to give him his space it seems he calls or emails......so how is that giving him space??? What is the difference between seeing me in person, and emailing ,etc.....Isn't that still being in his space that he keeps saying he needs??? Just confused and could use some input.....I am doing my best to avoid any contact email, etc and letting that up to him , but should I even respond to the calls or emails if he is wanting space?? Just really confused about it all, and angry that he doesn't realize he is ruining everything.. I am workng the program-starting step four and trying hard but it is stuff like this that hurts me. Thanks for listening.....
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I'm confused, how is he "ruining everything"? Sounds like you two don't have shared expectations and you are expecting more of him than he is willing to give. That's you not him. As far as space, seeing someone face to face is much more personal than email, texting, phone calls. Your holidays can only be ruined if you allow them to be ruined by setting expectations of others rather than yourself. You can only focus on what you want to do and how that will play out because you are the only part that you can control.
Sounds to me like he is playing games. He is trying to control you and this relationship. You don't like it but you are playing along. In your postion I would go completely no contact.
When I finally stopped playing the game, stopped doing the dance, there was nothing left for me to do except focus on myself and start getting healthy.
But the only way I could do it was to stop all contact with the A. When he was still around pulling me in every which way, I was always off balance and couldn't focus at all unless it was on him.
Letting go has been hard. I have kids with the A and the damage he has done to them is, at times, unbearable. But, I have gotten better. I have changed and I will never allow another person to do those things to me again. I will never play that game again. Now that I have been no contact for a long while, the game is not even interesting to me anymore.
I am assuming u have heard the term *control Freak* alcoholics are famous for the go way - come here type of relationship your describing , seems commitment is a big problem . and all this is doing is confusing you and keeping you right where he wants you , available on his terms . You have a choice delete the emails or continue the game . Louise
What strikes me is that he has 10 ys and he's like "I still need time/space/sensitivity/_____" I would suggest you continue to work your program & work on yourself. That you're becoming fed up with his behavior says you're ready to set boundries.
People ruin things for us only if we give them permission to.
I found myself very grumpy yesterday and wanting to point the finger at my youngest AD, when in fact the problem was not her, but me and how I chose to let things affect me.
I marched my hind end off to a meeting and got an attitude readjustment!
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
You know when I went back to help the alcoholic a year ago after he had ineed "ruined" everything I did not make the mandate that if he messed up I'd be out of there. I held back.
My understand is that are you really holding back if you have this hope that he'll change and do what you want him to. I know I always set myself up in this way. I literally turned my will and my life over to another human being. Now I don't do that but believe me I could start again anyday.
I did obsess over the A for years. I obsessed over his not being available. I obsessed over his communication style. I obessed over I was not getting enough. I didn't stop obessing till I started practising detachment. Then I had to move onto other tools.
I just recently joined this board and am so amazed at the parallels I am reading between my experience and others' experiences.
I'm sure your experience is not the same as mine, but my ex-boyfriend did the same thing as far as the phone calls/texts without any personal appearances. He wasn't ready for a commitment, but he kept in touch by phone calls and texts. In one sense, I was thrilled to hear from him. In another, I felt like he was keeping me dangling. If he didn't want to be in a relationship, then why can't he let go? Why can't we see eachother?
This went on for 6 months. Then one day I got a call from a woman. She wanted to know why I had texted "I miss you, too." to her boyfriend...her live-in boyfriend. At first I was devastated. Why could he be in a relationship with her and not with me, I wondered. But then I realized that they didn't have a good relationship, either, if he was calling me on the side... Anyway, that's my personal story.
I don't know enough about the program to advise you in anyway. Just sitting here reading your story, and realizing that I am not alone in my frustration with an A's inability to really "be" there.
This sounds only too familiar - I am convinced that they invented texting for the A's of this world. They try to hook you in the easiest way possible - short sentences - doesn't require any thought or commitment and they think they have you hooked to respond.
