The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, all. It is great to see others going through the same things I am. It is truly nice to know you are not alone in what you are experiencing.
My AH just got out of rehab and is staying in a halfway house at the same facility. He actually (gasp) got a job to support himself while he is there. I went to visit him one day, and he was telling me about how this place has a hiring freeze and there are not any jobs around, it's not worth it to work for 6 bucks an hour, blah, blah. I had driven by a place with a big sign "NOW HIRING". So, I loaded him up and took him there. He had concerns over how he would get to that job, so I pointed out all the places within walking distance. He didn't have a rebuke for that and supposedly got a job at a hotel.
I am glad he is not here. I am quite enjoying being able to do what I want without worrying about all the trite remarks. It seems, the only thing I can do that he approves of is dote on him. I would get a load of crap whenever I was doing something that made me happy and took time away from him. "You're on the computer too long, your bath was too long, you're just working out so you can find someone better and leave me--I should take that Bowflex apart and haul it off." So, what happens, I stop. I stop doing things that make me happy to either prevent their destruction or stop the nagging. As you all know, this is just a small part of the experience, but it is what I am in the mood to vent about at the moment. I know I can't live like this anymore. I don't know if he will still be this way if he comes back or not. I don't love him anymore, that much I do know. Whenever he says he loves me, my reply back is flat with no emotion. He will say that he misses me, and I do not reply. I do not miss him. I just don't know what to do. I have read that the love can come back, but I sure don't feel it now. When I talk to him, he irritates me easily, so I know that will be his excuse to start drinking again. I sure as am not going there again. I have been doing really good with detaching from him. I had started doing a lot of the things by instinct, I guess, that I have read that are advised for spouses of alcoholics to do. I wonder if it is some sort of built-in self-protective reflex? Hmmm... If he decides to come home, I do not think I can get along with him at this point in time, and I do not know what to do. I cannot afford to rent anything, and I don't think I have good enough credit, much less a down payment, to buy something. I have a small child that makes it all the harder. I don't know where to go... I don't know if I will ever have enough feeling for him again to stay here. He made a comment the other day wondering when we will have sex. I snapped and told him we are no where close to that. He wanted to know when, and I said when I have recovered some and feel like it. He then wanted to know how long that would be, and I said how ever long it takes. He replied that he can't wait on me forever. I guess, well, there ya go. I am just wondering if anyone out there has ever felt so much...hate, disgust, and whatever other vile words toward their A that were able to get the feelings back and create a new relationship. Because, right now, I'm thinking about moving out before he decides to come home. I have been making friends, getting in touch with old friends, and getting into things that make me happy. I think the old situation will be a lot worse now that I have had the opportunity to connect with my self. The ism took things away so slowly, that I did not really notice I was loosing friends and not doing things I enjoy anymore. Someone wrote about a void, a lonliness within themselves and wanted their A back. Someone else advised them the void was the lack of, basically, a life. I'm not sure I want to trade my life for my A back even if he is sober. There is a line in an Evanescence song, Lithium, I keep thinking of. It says, "I forgive you after all, anything is better than to be alone." Sometimes the answer to that is yes, but mostly I find the answer to be no. I have decided she must have had experience with an addicted person by her songs. Look up the lyrics to Lithium, Snow White Queen, Where Will You Go, and just about half of their songs. A lot of them have spoken for me and said what I would have to say. Well, I think I'm all vented out for now. Thanks.
I'm glad you are here. I have felt that anger and disgust, and found a way to let go of it for myself. The first Evanessence CD got me thru a lot of my really bad days, and I agree the songwriter has some experience being around addiction.
Does the treatment center your A is in offer any family counseling? Try to get to as many Al Anon meetings as you can, keep coming back here and take care of you!
Welcome to MIP!! This is a great place to vent and gain ESH.
I'm also a closet Evanescence fan - although I can admit to not paying close attention to the lyrics consciously, evidently something spoke to me on a subconscious level because I really love that first CD.
I could have written your post at any time over the past several years. My feelings of loathing, disgust, hate, etc... for my AH have evolved into compassion over the past few months - basically since I got back into Alanon and began to put more effort into my program.
I too hear the snide remarks and accusations since I started working out again and taking care of myself. If they are spoken directly to me, sometimes a simple response of "You could be right" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" defuses the rant. I never would have believed this would happen until I tried it. It literally shuts him up or at least motivates him to take his tantrum elsewhere LOL.
Do I love my AH? Not at this point - of that I am dead certain. Sex - forget it. Even if I wanted it, he's rarely physically capable any more to do either of us any good. That may sound harsh, but it's my reality.
Can I tolerate his drinking and the ugly behavior that goes along with it? Most of the time, thanks to this program - my financial situation is about as solid as Jell-O right now, so I have to bide my time before making any major changes. And yes, he irritates the heck out of me when he's on a binge. When that I happens, I try to find something positive to do to keep me from getting sucked into his insanity. Most of the time, I have some degree of success doing this. Progress, not perfection.
Do I want recovery for him? Absolutely. We have 3 wonderful children and he's missing out on a lot due to his addiction, but that's his choice.
All I can do is take care of myself and be a role model for the rest of us who are in his sphere of existence. This includes working my program, getting to meetings - online AND f2f. The next step for me is to get a sponsor. I can only do so much on my own.
I love what Debilyn said "Drop the rock" - to me it's a very succinct way of saying "Let Go and Let God". Either way, it works.
I think what strikes me is that he feels like he needs you. What I think needs to be said to him is that you have taken care of him for as long as he was in active disease. All this complainig & whining is his way of begging you to manage his life for him so that he doesn't have to do any more work. The reality is that he will have to be an adult now, and yeah, that sucks. But the fact is that the world didn't quit because he was in disease, it's certainly not going to restart now that he's sober. I would recommend you tell him, in direct but caring terms, that right now you are working though some very heavy emotions. While you are greatful that he is getting sober, your recovery is also beginning, and, quite frankly, you're not prepared at this time to think about you're future. I would also recommend directly expressing to him that the fact that he is sober now does not compensate for or undo the years previously that he was drunk, although it is a good start. In the mean time, I would recommend you go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps and use the literature to gain some recovery. Once you're workin on yourself, you won't have time to worry about him.
Yes I certainly have seen people go back to a relationship with an A after they had claimed he had ruined their life. We've seen it all here. There are also A's who actually get sober!
For me the caring for the A the fixing it was a way of life. I left him more than a year ago and now I'm just starting to get a life together. I realise there are huge areas of need that have gone unmet, companionship being one of them.
For me personally I'm seeing that the A's needs were huge and his tactic, like his mother's was to obliterate my needs when the chips were down. I lived with that for a long long time.
I used to have tremendous abandonment issues. Having pets helped that, having a program really helped that. Having goals helped that.
I'm not sure what your goals are. I know for sure for a long long time mine were to find a way to leave the A, then I left him and found myself back taking care of him again. I didn't have a good clear direction on where I would go and I also fell for his "need" for me. There is something very comforting about that "need" for a long long time. I have not now spoken to the a for almost a year. I think its taken me that long to detox.
Good luck. My only recommendation is stay close to the program, codependence is a invisible thing to those of us in denial.
am not going there again. I have been doing really good with detaching from him. I had started doing a lot of the things by instinct, I guess, that I have read that are advised for spouses of alcoholics to do. I wonder if it is some sort of built-in self-protective reflex? Hmmm... If he decides to come home, I do not think I can get along with him at this point in time, and I do not know what to do. I cannot afford to rent anything, and I don't think I have good enough credit, much less a down payment, to buy something. I have a small child that makes it all the harder. I don't know where to go... I don't know if I will ever have enough feeling for him again to stay here. He made a comment the other day wondering when we will have sex. I snapped and told him we are no where close to that. He wanted to know when, and I said when I have recovered some and feel like it. He then wanted to know how long that would be, and I said how ever long it takes. He replied that he can't wait on me forever. I guess, well, there ya go. I am just wondering if anyone out there has ever felt so much...hate, disgust, and whatever other vile words toward their A that were able to get the feelings back and create a new relationship. Because, right now, I'm thinking about moving out before he decides to come home. I have been making friends, getting in touch with old friends, and getting into things that make me happy. I think the old situation will be a lot worse now that I have had the opportunity to connect with my self. The ism took things away so slowly, that I did not really notice I was loosing friends and not doing things I enjoy anymore. Someone wrote about a void, a lonliness within themselves and wanted their A back. Someone else advised them the void was the lack of, basically, a life. I'm not sure I want to trade my life for my A back even if he is sober. There is a line in an Evanescence song, Lithium, I keep thinking of. It says, "I forgive you after all, anything is better than to be alone." Sometimes the answer to that is yes, but mostly I find the answer to be no. I have decided she must have had experience with an addicted person by her songs. Look up the lyrics to Lithium, Snow White Queen, Where Will You Go, and just about half of their songs. A lot of them have spoken for me and said what I would have to say. Well, I think I'm all vented out for now. Thanks.
- although I can admit to not paying close attention to the lyrics consciously, evidently something spoke to me on a subconscious level because I really love that first CD.