The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In life, especially with active alcoholism, there will always be issues, differences of views.
I WANT TO BE CONTENT WITH THE CHANGES ALREADY MADE, HAPPY AS IS- NOT CONSTANTLY LIVING FOR TOMORROW..
There are three ways to look at my current "thing on my mind"
1. My A/ b/ F called on his way home from an afternoon out with his A father and said he was looking forward to seeing me and he wanted to cook steaks on the grill for all of us when they got home. Then called back 3 hours later to say they had stopped at a ( almost topless type bar/ resturant ) and eaten and could he bring me something--ugh!!! so ( I could choose to think) he lied, betrayed, visually cheated, was flirting it up, cupcaking, with girls my daughter's age and etc.
or
2. I can accept and appreciate that he was open enough to tell me that he tried to turn down (blow off) avoid, his DAD's request to stop there several times- which I believe him- that he didn't spend any of our money there and he mostly watched the game because he didn't want to look like a pervert ( okay I have limits on my belief on that part) that he didn't "cupcake" or flirt and oagle the wait staff, because he didn't want to LOOK like a pervert - it would be nice if he didn't want to be there because he actually didn't want to BE a pervert- but progress not perfection.
3. or I can realize that his choices, behavior etc have nothing to do with me, he has trouble setting boundries- believe that his hearts desire was actually to come home and grill steaks with me FORGET ABOUT IT, make a gratitude list in my head when it come to mind and be happy. (first thing on my list being that visits with his ( extreamly morally challenged) A/ DAD are fewer than they could be.and that it was 3pm not 11pm and that it was a resturant not a topless bar!!!
Since he was soooo great to be honest, remove my concerns about excessive "cupcaking" or flirting or nasty talk- and my concerns about wasting our money my emotional side feels pretty good about us......really seems like progress that he openly discussed it and cared about my concerns ( you would have to understand our history of NO communication, understanding etc) it's so much better I am exceeding grateful!!!!
Problem that I need help in getting around is I don't want my b/f touching me when I know he has been to places like that- feeling that he is thinking of some little girl who is using her body to pay her way through college, or for whatever she needs. not to metion the way the waitresses interact with the men customers to get tips and the way I KNOW FOR A FACT his father talks to all waitresses in frount of anyone ugh.....- WE are not talking about someone who just happens to notice a pretty waitress in a short skirt we are talking GRAFIC comments and touching!!!!
The Dad laughs about a time he messed his pants in a bar like this because a waitress was talking it up with him and touched his knee - so if he tells that to me what really happens when he's in those places that he doesn't tell????
Thinking of being intimate with my b/f after this makes me feel used cheep and dirty. And thinking of him being involved in this kind of a scene makes me want to vomit!! It is so hard not to be rude, distant or worse right now. I feel disappointed! Like I know he's really so much better than that!
Makes me feel like he's off to get excited and see something ( a 21 year old waitress) and then he comes home and settles for me.
I really am too good to be settled for. WE are both too good for this in our life!
And I know for a fact he would not tollerate me going to any kind of a bar with any kind of a women KNOWN to sex it up all the time.
I really can't not imagine myself all hot for/ talking dirty to etc. or picturing having sex with one of my daughter's guy friends or any 21 year old guy. No matter how handsome!
Anyway what the heck is up with sharing your life, laundry, bills, sicknesses, responsibilities, maybe even your socks with one person and complimenting, chatting it up and spending money on someone else, especially someone who is using your lust to get your money???
I don't feel like this at all if we see something racey on TV- or someone hot in public when we are together- and it just happens to be exciting- that's just human behavior, and we are together so it can be fun or even funny .... we actually have a good sex life it's just the "pervert" part most of all that makes me sick. And his being "on th hunt" with me somewhere else, makes me feel disregarded. Those places are just wrong on so many levels!
IF I didn't respect him I would just it's a guy being a guy-but I do think he's better than that kind of situation-I just wish he felt strongly enough the same that he could not go if he really didn't want to, no matter who suggested it.
B/F might say asking these questions is a sign of insecurity. I think acting like you don't care, when something bothers you is so obviously insecure- I can't believe I even save that to my memory bank, someone else telling me I'm insecure because they have trouble hearing how I feel about my life with them. MMMMMM...... I've always been strong enough to say what I think, feel and want- and strong enough to want others to do the same.
From some things he says I think he may actually believe that people who don't address their feelings are more secure than those who do. Exactly backwards to me.
Oh, yea that's right living with an alcoholic is sometimes like living with someone who speaks a different language and walks backwards.
Can anyone relate, understand or hit me in the head with a rock and Knock some other point of view into my head????? cuz truely I am tired of thinking about it now.
Our troops are away from home, it's Christmas and some only make very little money to send home- so I'll say I have it pretty darn GREAT!! but at least I was able to say to you guys what I think and feel. Thanks for those with the patience to read even part of all this. And I'm gonna trust my HP to work it all out in my heart. But don't hesitate to throw that rock ya'll!
I can totally relate to your feelings about this. It makes me horribly uncomfortable as well, but what others do has nothing to do with me nor can I control it. I have to work really hard to detach from it as well as figure out how to set boundaries of my own.
In life, especially with active alcoholism, there will always be issues, differences of views.
I WANT TO BE CONTENT WITH THE CHANGES ALREADY MADE, HAPPY AS IS- NOT CONSTANTLY LIVING FOR TOMORROW..
I don't know why, but I read through your post twice, and those two statements above seem contradictory to me, but my brain's a bit tired in the final stretch on exams in college!
It's been my personal experience that the only two constants in my life are my higher power and change.
I do occasionally settle into a 'comfort' zone if you will, but then things start bumping up against me, and that's usually a sign it's time to re-evaluate, and probably make some changes. I don't like change because change requires some pain/discomfort in letting go of old behaviors/attitudes!
That is exactly where I have been the last two days, and I think it's no coincidence that I opened your post this morning either!
I don't know if I've helped you at all, but you've helped me tremendously today with your share! ((((((hugs))))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
"I think he may actually believe that people who don't address their feelings are more secure than those who do. Exactly backwards to me." - glad
That's what A's do, they deny b/c they are uncomfortable feeing.
There's a lot in ur post. I understand why ur 'not turned on afterwards'. I'm sensitive & it is bringing that energy home (I guess is what ur describing).
The quotes put up by tender hearts... I do not see it as a contradiction. Yes changes will be everyday & it is healtheir to accept reality as it comes. I spent so many yrs fighting reality & it's pointless and exhausting. Acceptance goes a long way towards understanding.
I wouldnt like my man to do it, but you are right, it is great that he told you. I wouldve been mad & worried b/c he told u to expect home soon & that didn't happen. I'd make a point of that b/c it's rude & he put needless worry on you by disappearing.
I've never really dealt wiht it & certainly not for long, if a b/f went to places like that, I'd freak out. The relationship wouldnt last. If it was a fluke b/c of his dad, I wouldnt be upset, if he doesnt usually do that stuff. If he is using his dad as a scapegoat/excuse for bad behavior he's trying to not take responsibility for, well nuts ot that... we are all witnesses in our own lives. Denial does not make feelings go away. It is a weight that gets harder to bear over the years, so truly emotions are unavoidable.
I grew up ACoA & first found al-anon at 17, that was 23 yrs ago. For the first time my feelings were understood by everyone else there and they related to it! accept the 3 C's and then u can turn them around... I can change myself, I can control myself, I can recover.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
In recovery we have a spiritual philosophy that says...."To thine on self be true." Go ahead and keep doing that and let the others fall by the wayside. You can leave the confusion and craziness any time you want I was taught to believe and practice and I will continue to believe and practice that because...It keeps recovery simple.
I've been over involved with other people all my life. I would spend years and years in obessing about what they did. Pretty much all I wanted to do was obess. Then I started to look at the program. Detaching means taking the emphasis off them and putting it on you. I don't know that it means two paragraphs about what they did. I think it means two paragraphs about what tools did you use, what did you do to make yourself feel better.
I can't say I even think for a moment anymore about the A and his choices. My whole life the last 7 years was about him saying he didn't want to do things but did them anyways. My whole life was about him "splitting" that is putting me up against other people all the time. Detaching helped me stop playing into that. Detaching also helped me to put the focus on me and stop obessing to the point of illness about what "they" did. The focus today is on what do I do, what tool do I use, what is on my gratitude list, what is my next step.
I used to turn my will and my life over to others,now I don't. The program brought me that.
