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Help me out with this one. My oldest son got out of the military in Sept. with wife and grandbaby. He said we are moving in with you and I am going to school. I said fine - wow more time with my grandbaby. After a week he said they were moving in with her mother. I said fine - at least it is close and I would get to see them. Yesterday he said we are moving in with Dad. He said then you can come to Dad's to see the new baby (due in April) I said then I will have to make other arrangements to see you. My son said I don't understand, is it that bad between you two? Having been separated for over three years (his choice) I have to say it is that bad. He moved and I don't even know where he lives. He has never invited me over. He won't introduce me to his new friends. We rarely do anything together except for family gatherings. He has tickets to a pro football game and has ask a buddy to go. When we are together, he answers his cell phone and won't tell them he is with me. When we are together in a group, he talks about all the things that he has done and how much fun he has had.
To say the least when I first heard of his plan, I was devastated. My AHsober didn't want them to move in with them. I so enjoy being a mother and grandmother - caring for my family. I almost feel like I have to give up on having my family around me. Part of me is jealous and I know that that is my character defect. My reality is that I am just uncomfortable in my AHsober's new world. And he doesn't make it any easier. I asked my HP for help. I told my son that he needed to do whatever he thought was best for him and his little family. If it means moving in with his father, then he should do it.
I am going out running. My HP is there. I know I have to detach but this one is really hard for me. Thanks for listening.
Your feelings about the ex and being disrespected make my heart hurt for you because I identify.
As far as adults with children living with so many realitives .... I really do care when I say this so please don't be hurt at all.... men need to provide for and care for their own families and when mom or other realitives do for them what they can and should be doing for themselves we are telling them they 'can't" and reinforcing dependant behavior.
I was with my "mother in law" one time and we were around some men my "husband's age who appeared successful. My mother in law actually said "Why can't my son be more like that??
First I wanted to smack her, because he is an awesome person second I wanted to scream..... BECAUSE YOU WON'T BACK OFF AND LET HIM LEARN TO COPE BY DEALING WITH HIS OWN LIFE WOMAN!!!!! Stop buying him underwear, paying bills he slips up and calling 3 times a day to see "what he's doing" how work went today, or if he did what you told him to do about the latest crisis. STOP IT WOMAN... or he will never learn on his own plus it makes him totally unable to have a normal healthy relatioship with a wife or other women because of the control you are pushing down on him, the guilt he feels for not be good enough as he is to you!!!!
Also I think the military may somehow make some men less independant, I have a business mate who spent almost 20 years in the Army and now at almost 50 lives at home with Mom???? and really has so little independence and no confidence and seems scared of everything-like normal interaction with customers, can take no risk and settles for a really minimal life... makes me sad for him and in business dealings very frustrated....
So much love and empathy on the learning to not care what the ex does, I'm still struggling there too.
and hope my experience with mother in law and coworker helps you see the need to possibly detach and provide son opportunities to do for himself and maybe even let him fail and learn from his losses some too. WE all need to be allowed the dignity to make our own choices, maybe succeed maybe even fail and still be respected. This brings true maturity. The greatest gift we can give our children autonomy and independence!!!
If your ex is a jerk and you tell him/ he may see you as negative. If you give your ex respect or even just no lack of respect your son will have the opportunity to make up his own mind, see him for what he is alot faster than if you tell him your ex is a jerk- then his mind will defend your ex. If we let them learn things on thier own it happens faster!
Take what you like leave the rest- with love and respect to for the fact that only you know your situation.
This is a tough one. There is a similar situation in my family. My Dad turned his farmhouse into a duplex, my brother moved into the other half. It is an optimum situation until you factor in that my Mom won't go visit because she feels uncomfortable doing so, my sis in law feels somewhat smothered and not really in her own home, normal father/son issues ... it is slowly smoothing itself out. I feel for my brother, I can't drive so I see my nephew when he comes to me, I watch him often. Then he needs to take the baby to my Mom's to see her. He is doing his best to keep everyone involved and happy.
If I could change anything it would be my Mom's being uncomfortable visiting them. My stepMom sometimes has mini meltdowns about my Mom, thisis what causes the challenge. I think if they all went thru the motions of it being normal, eventually it would be.
I know that does not really have the foundation of your concerns but maybe it helps to know you are not alone in this kindof situation.
If it were me, I would explain to my son that I do not know where his father lives and have never been invited there. And considering the other complications I would not be sure if all of a sudden going there just because they are there is in everyone's best interests. What solution could be made, such as babysitting, viitation at your place or somewhere nuetral? At least until things were more defined between myself and husband.
I feel for your son and dil too, I imagine they would like a place to call home and keep building their life.
Try giving all that frustration and insecurity, pain up to your HP. That helps me to just get a calmer feeling.
This is no shot in the dark for you. You got enough program to plan and follow thru with the right motivation. No one needs to verify Nancy she and her HP got program. I feel pretty sure that you see the picture in high contrast and can make the right decision as to what you want to do with it. Alcoholic left and started forming his own party why be a party crasher? Your life on your life's terms. Your son has got his own will and his own reasons and motivations and it's okay with you that he does and follows up on them. I say Wow!! your letting go and letting God is showing.
Nancy, all I can say is BOUNDARIES!!!! Have a good sense of them. Also, keep it super simple. I agree with the rest that you have done a great job so far.
I would say that your son changing his plan so often might be a red flag of his own little *drama* that you might want to steer as clear of as possible and detach from as soon as possible. Changing ones plan so frequently, especially such a serious one as where one is going to live with a new baby and with whom would be a pretty big red flag for me. That is quite a little roller coaster he has going...and he is probably(unintentionally!) whipping up you (trying to) and the other two parties as well...giant red flag, if you ask me; all unconscious but pretty trippy.
Also, only HP knows what or how things will end up/turn out. You cannot see the future, all you can see is right here and right now. Watch and listen and wait. Watch what he (your son) does, not so much what he says...and wait and see. In the mean time, keep the focus on yourself and run like the wind, you and HP!!! Hugs, J.
Wow. Sounds like your son doesn't know what he wants, either. I would recommend that you say "Please notify me of your plans when they are firm. I would like to be involved in your baby's life and help you take care of her, but only with your permission." And then, the ball is in his cort.
I can easily feel like an outsider. Abandonment issues are a tough one. I don't know that I consider them a charactor defect as such more like an issue to be resolved. Certainly for me the point of the "obsession" isn't the way to resolve them.
This is tough and I can identify. He has excluded you from his life just as my father did while my step mom was alive. To be frank he wanted nothing to do with us. Now, I have just had my son go over and spend the entire weekend as if this was a normal occurrence. I am sucking it up to at the moment.
Nancy, having been in the grandchild drama/rama for two years I can tell you that staying clear and detaching is in your best interests. I am emotionally hurt from my kids' continuing divorce dramas, the a-ism that crops up from time to time. You are going to be in for a world of hurt if son moves in for awhile, you step into taking care of them all, then something happens and off they go, leaving you alone once more. Under the circumstances of your spouse's moving out, etc. I can see why you would choose not to follow that path of visitation. No matter how hard we want it, our grandchildren are NOT our children. They have parents, good or bad, who will and do make decisions about them. I have been way too involved for too long in trying to be the caregiver, fixer, the everything to two immature adults and one sweet and precious grandson. Lately, I am loosening up and getting a grip on reality. I understand that my physical/mental health has to be forefront or I am not going to last. So good for you for the questions and good for you to stand up for yourself. Your son is a grown man, ex-military, capable of handling his own problems. And if he isn't, he should be along with his partner. Let it happen. Let him do the work. You deserve peace and putting yourself in the big middle of this isn't going to get you peace.
