The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Reading posts here for this past week, we certainly share feelings in common. Regardless of whether the A in your life is your current spouse, your EX, your significant other without marriage, your parent, your son or daughter.....we all share the feelings of confusion, anger, hopelessness, shame, disgust, defeat, failure, sadness. We post those feelings here and someone sharing that same thing will reply. A great support system for us in these tough times of cultural alienation, economic turmoil and upheaval. It is hard enough to live in today's world without the prevading sense of disaster living with a-ism in your life can cause.
I run the gamut from almost total happiness to total despair in the same day...sometimes in the same hour. My son has been working at sobriety for months now. I feel he has lapsed the past two days. Although I haven't directly observed him, his frequent phone calls and his often confusing opinions about some things lead me to believe he is having a tough time. I just talked with him for the fifth time today a little bit ago. No reason for the call...just telling me what he was doing and that "everything was OK". This makes me crazy and throws me off balance. It isn't "normal" and it isn't explainable. The first day I noticed this week was because he and I went round and round in one of our "fights" over his inability to accept the behaviors of his EX. I just keep fighting him over this....that his divorce is two years history, that he needs to get over it, that what she doesn't isn't his business, etc. We fight constantly over that. I think when it happened this week once more he was drinking. I don't ask. I don't check up on him. I detach as completely as is possible for me. I guess I am beating a dead horse to think I can somehow "make" him get over someone he obviously still cares about. And, of course, she calls him pretty frequently, talks to him, jerks his chain, and orders him about and he complies and then complains. All because they have the child to consider. I am the one who has to listen to his side, his remarks, his complaints. Well, I don't have to and usually don't for any length of time. But sometimes it requires me to be downright rude and just say "I have to go' and then do so. I have so much to deal with in the health arena that I can barely handle anything else.
I am grateful that my association with this group has given me ESH to act rather than be a pawn in this mess we are in in our family. I just needed to talk about it after that last phone call, so thanks for listening. It helps to unload when things once more kind of stray off-track.
I've been reading a book about low grade depression recently. The author calls it a spiritual term. For me the detaching is daily and over and over not giving all my power to someone else. Naturally I totally lost all my power with the ex A.
I'm not sure for me anyone ever telling me to "get over it" worked. I had to do deep grief work to get over getting over. I'm not sure I was able to do that till I was "ready".
I do know that I am currently around people who are obsessive, addictive and rude. I can commiserate. I feel alone a great deal of the time. At the same time I have this wonderful group and lots going on in my life.
Joy you are growing. To me you are observant and smart. Here is a step up if you want to try it. In both programs we have sponsors who help us get and grow in the program. That is one of the suggestions with great consequences if we take and work it. Instead of beating the dead horse you can softly suggest that he get and call his sponsor as you find that you do not have the right stuff to help him any further. It's not that you don't love him...it's that you are powerless to make him happy.
Detachment with love is an artform that for me allows the other person the dignity of their own choices and consequences and unconditional love.
I pray your health is better? Your program growth is.
Great perspective. I always think that I am alone in my feelings. That others have "those problems" and I have "my problems". And only I have those feelings. I am glad that I am not the only one that runs the gamut of feelings in one day.
When I came to this program I was completely boundaryless. Now I am boundaried to a certain extent I don't doubt some people see me as rude. Personally I don't think that ending a conversation with "have to go" is rude. I've gone from being totally people pleasing to self caring.
