The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking about al-anon for a while now but I'm not sure if it's the place for me. I'm not sure if anyone can help, actually... I am a 39 year old woman who has been divorced for 10 years. Several years ago I met a man and we started spending time together. Things never got very serious, even though I have deep feelings for him, mainly because of his drinking habits. Looking back, there were very few "dates" that did not involve alcohol. So, finally 2 years ago, I told him I didn't think we should be together in an intimate way but that I cared very much for him and hoped we could be friends. After that, I didn't see him for 6 months, though he called me every couple of weeks just to say hello. Then...I got a call from a woman who claimed that she was living with him. I was stunned. It never crossed my mind that he would be living with someone else, based on our conversations. I accepted it, though, and moved on myself. He continued to call me. I moved out of state for the summer to be with my family and he called me all summer telling me how much he missed being with me. In August 2008 I moved back into the same state as him, but 4 hours away. We talked at the beginning of September and we agreed that he would drive up to see me. That was the last I heard from him-even though I tried a few times to call him. Two weeks ago, I got a call from the same woman as before. She told me that they recently broke up and that she wondered if I was with him again. She admitted to me at the beginning of the conversation that she was drunk...later she told me that the reason she left "him" was because of his serious drinking problem. She seems to have some issues herself, and that cannot be a good combination. Anyway, I love this man very much and have longed for the life that I had hoped we would be able to build together. He is a very smart, capable, handsome, athletic, affectionate person, and we clicked together. I know that it is wrong to want to be with someone "if only he would stop drinking." But it was impossible to be with him... He disappeared a lot and was unreliable. I hoped he would grow out of it, or somehow realize that his drinking was a problem, but he didn't. My friends/family tell me to just stay away and don't answer my phone. But it kills me to turn my back on someone who has a problem, someone that I care about very much. It worries me to no end that his drinking problem is progressing. But I have no idea what it is that I can do to help. I don't even know how to talk to him about his drinking, if I do get the chance to talk to him... I don't even know if I should try anymore. He hasn't answered my phone calls for months now. Still, I worry and I wonder. Is al-anon for people like me, or is it only for wives and children of alcoholics? I think I need someone to talk to about this. Thanks.
Alanon is for anyone who's life has been affected or is affected by someone's drinking. It's also often said that Alanon is for those who want it not those who need it (those who need often spend more time denying and being contrary). Those who want it are those who seek it often initially to help another who has a drinking problem and quickly learn that this is a program for us.
Why is it for us? Because we have spent too much of our lives living for another's (you name it -- sobriety, happiness, etc.). This program helps us and keeps the focus on us. After a while, you may begin to feel glad about that because enablers are often last on their own list and everyone else's too and we become resentful, irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. The fact of the matter is that we cannot prevent anyone from drinking and we absolutely are not the reason that they begin drinking again (though they will use every excuse to make us feel that way). I quickly learned "I simply am not that powerful."
I hope you keep coming, here and face to face meetings. I know I am a much happier, well-balanced woman who humbly and truly loves herself and is grateful for this program.
welcome, Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you so much for replying Maria. I honestly don't know who to turn to with this, and I appreciate you welcoming me to the board. I'm scared to go to a face to face meeting... I'm scared to face what it is in me that keeps me connected to an alcoholic...
Welcome to this group. There are many of us here who became in lots of ways dependent on someone who turned out to be an alcoholic. For me one of the issues that really capped it was the constant deception and mystery. All that not knowing. When I meet someone now and what they say doesn't make sense I see that as a red flag. There was a part of me that rushed into relationships without taking care of me, without the watching and waiting issue.
Whoever that other woman is she is certainly boundaryless to be calling you up and disclosing so much. For me now in recovery there would be one call only and that would be it. There would not be another conversation.
When I was with the A who I was with for 7 years I had many encounters like the one you had with that woman. I was constantly trying to put together something that did not make sense. Over time I learned how to detach.
I think we all can "merge' with an A's good parts, many of them are sociable, generous, loving, kind individuals. When I first met the A I was with he could not do enough for me. We had good times surely but in the end the bad times outweighed the good times. In fact all there was was bad times.
For me personally with a history like mine I tend to gravitate towards the wounded birdy's and believe that I can "cure" them. I also see potential rather than reality.
You are welcome to come here and share and learn al anon skills. No one here is going to tell you what to do or judge you.
Thank you , Maresie. I agree that the phone calls should have stopped after the first one - I think I was just so shocked that she called me again and from a different number. Anyway, I do want to learn those skills of having boundaries and detaching. Honestly, I do know that my relationship with him is unhealthy and have thought that I could somehow fix it. But now I am ready to let go, if I can...Maybe this is the right place for me. I will keep coming back.
From what I have read so far, it seems like alcoholism touches regular people all the time. The main reason I have a hard time talking to anyone about this is because I feel so dumb for getting into this mess. I am a smart woman with a lot going for me. I have a lot of friends and a wonderful family. So, I don't know why I have fallen into this sick situation...I hope to find out. Or at least learn how to accept and get on with my life. Right now, I'm turning in the wind. Thanks again for your words of welcome. I appreciate any suggestions about where to start.
Aloha Celeb and welcome to the board also. Alcoholism is said to be "cunning, Powerful and baffling" on the AA side of recovery and we in Al-Anon have adopted this discription also because our own intelligence often times has us saying WOW and what the disease can do. Keep in mind that in history alcohol and alcoholism has figured in wars and the destruction of cultures and more. We are not suffering without warning. Smart and pretty are just seasoning for this disease. The disease doesn't care about what is right or wrong...good or bad. It just is patient...want's to get it's victims alone, sick and then kill them and whom ever else is hanging on. An alcoholic has only three choices in this disease...Sobriety, insanity or death. We have three choices also...Serentiy, insanity or death. It's all real.
Al-Anon is available for anyone who has been affected by someone elses drinking. It is not mandatory. When I first got into the program and had not decided if it was for me or not I was told to give the program a 90 chance (I did) and if after that period of time I found that I was not satisfied I could gather up my miseries and go find something else.
I left my miseries there. I haven't looked back in years.
Keep coming back and give the program of Al-Anon the trial period of time. While you are going to meetings where you are at someone else with the same problem is going to one on the other side of the planet.
Thank you, Jerry, for your response. That is truly frightening that my AexBF's only choices are sobriety, insanity, or death. I'm so fearful for him... I pray a lot and try to let whatever happens happen. But on the inside I feel so guilty for never really pressuring him to do something about his drinking problem. When I did say something, he always had some retort about how I didn't know how to have fun, and that he was just into having a good time so what is the problem. He really had me convinced that the drinking was under control and that I was wrong about the whole thing... until now. I feel totally the opposite now, and I'm scared, and I'm so far away from the situation at this point that I don't even know how to reach him. So now there is this guilt for not having done something when I still had the chance, when I still had maybe a little bit of influence over him. Like I said before, though, I wouldn't even know what to say if I did get the chance to talk to him. And, knowing our history, he WILL call me again. Probably in a weak moment. I would like to be strong enough to tell him I think he needs help. I would like to have some knowledge of the disease and some idea about what he might be able to do if he does want to get help. Right now, I guess I'm in that stage you speak of where I want to help him stop drinking. Maybe later when I learn more, I will be more concerned about myself. Thanks again...
It sure sounds to me like this is the place for you. Welcome!
I urge you to keep coming back here and to go to some face to face meetings. You took a huge step in coming here (CONGRATULATIONS!!!) - and found gentle love and support. You'll get the same at a face to face meeting PLUS the added bonus of REAL hugs .
This message board, online meetings and open chat have become my lifeline day in and day out - there's tons of experience, strength and hope here, but you just can't beat the human interaction of a f2f meeting.
I'm so glad you found use - best of luck to you and Keep Coming Back!
My ex A boyfriend had two major health issues, both life threatening. neither stopped him using. He had a counterpart who died as a result of one of those illnesses. Instead the illnesses seemed to fuel his poor me's some more.
Then his mother who had always been a support of kinds to him (he could tap on her when he needed funds) right out of the blue up and married someone and moved three states away. He lost his home, he lost everything, he had no income.
None of those things made him stop using.
I'm not sure an alcoholic has a sphere of influence. One of the definitions of them is that they don't stop even when there are consequences.
One of the issues with codependent is believing we have control. While I have certain control over some things like boundaries I actually have no control over other people. Certainly these days there are consequences if they cross my boundaries.
In Al anon we learn to put down the guilt and pick up the tools. You can beat yourself up of course but the only one who has any control at all over their drinking is the alcoholic.
