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I'm really frustrated with myself. I've been in the Alanon program for a couple of months. Been going to meetings...reading ODAT and CTC daily...but all the progress I thought I was making went up in smoke yesterday. Came home from work and I knew my AH, who had been sober for a couple of months had been drinking. Of course he denied it. I knew what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to react, but I fell into the same pattern as I had before. I ripped into him. Told him all the terrible things that could happen...He could lose his job...etc, etc. It was almost like I was outside my body watching what I was doing and I couldn't stop myself!
Later, I retreated to another room, sat down and read my daily books on subjects of anger and slipping. I felt so bad. I'm not sure I felt worse that he had slipped or that I didn't follow what I thought I had learned! It's much harder in practice than in abstract! How do I stop doing this?? I don't want to make a bad situation worse!
He told me this morning that he lied and had been drinking. He seemed very upset that he had slipped, but I don't know how to handle this. If I rant and rave, it can make things worse, but if I don't say anything or be too supportive isn't that a green light that he can continue doing his thing and I won't yell at him? I don't know the correct way to react that will help the situation instead of compounding it...
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm going to a meeting at my home group tonight, where I can talk to my sponsor, but more than one opinion is always a good thing!
I did plenty of ranting and raving. You are not alone. I got very very busy was one way I dealt with it. The other was to stop arguing. The A who I was with didn't even attempt to get sober. I think he went dry for a while that was about it.
Being over involved with the A was a total commitment for me. Being uninvolved took a lot of work. I kept at it, practiced it.
There's a page in the CTC that talks about striking the rock 99 times but it's the 100th blow that shatters the rock. That's how it feels for me sometimes. I keep at it.....and at it.....and at it....and it seems like I'm getting nowhere. Then, WHAMMO, something happens and I think, "Wow! I didn't react to that at all!" or "I totally stayed CALM in that situation". At the end of that page, there's a quote from Alateen lit that says it took a long time to get sick with the Alcoholic and it will take a long time to heal. I love that. Hang in there.
" if I don't say anything or be too supportive isn't that a green light that he can continue doing his thing and I won't yell at him?"
No matter if you yell or you don't yell..you are powerless. He is going to do what he is going to do. In fact, he did. Somehow we think if we don't protest that means we give permission. It doesn't matter either way. Again, powerless.
We slip just like they do. You had a slip. If he would yell at you because you slipped would it have changed anything? Lol, probably would've have made you more angry that he pointed it out ( I know it did me!).
It's a learned process. Next time perhaps try removing yourself from the situation immediately, allowing a few minutes to think, deep breathe, grab your book. I literally used to count to 10 s-l-o-w-l-y. It gave me opportunity to think about my reactions. There was a knee jerk Christy reaction and a Alanon reaction. Early on I didn't want to do the Alanon reaction, I wanted to yell !! But, ultimately I came to realize I only upset myself and made my own life more chaotic by doing it my old way. Trust me, there were times I gave a Alanon reaction through gritted teeth. I remember my home group laughing over that statement. Every one could relate. I just had to find my own way of stopping myself. The other thing I would say to myself is "you (the A) will not suck me in no matter how hard you try". I had to play a head game with myself to get through it. It surely didn't come naturally just because I knew what I was supposed to do. Cut yourself some slack and pre-plan what you might do the next time your old habit rears it's pointy head :)
Christy
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
There are so many things I read on this site that I relate to. Often, I want to respond but mostly what helps a lot is to listen. Thank you to everyone who posts for sharing. Not feeling so alone is a gift.
Old habits are the bane of my existence. I want to change, and be a better person. I have convinced myself I ruined my last relationship because I was trying to change my partner. I'm not sure if that's 100% true, and he says I didn't do anything wrong, but I have huge remorse. I have apologized to him for not minding my own business and I have told him that I love him exactly as he is. I want to scream "do over!" He said he needs to do some soul searching and believes we do not belong together. My job now is to accept his choice. I can only do that one day at a time. If I thought I had to do that forever, I don't think I could right now. It's all still very fresh, like a gaping wound. My head understands and knows I deserve a partner who is as invested, and as forgiving (yes, he's not perfect and has his own set of issues). Yet, emotionally, I'm a mess and despair is currently winning out.
I pray. I go to meetings. I make phone calls. I ask my HP to help me do things differently. I am starting to catch myself before I spin myself into a tornado of despair. Hopefully, each time I catch myself a little bit sooner or make it a little further before the storm feels like it's going to hit again. I still want the opportunity to do things differently with my bf but no matter what I have to do things differently for myself.
The program is about Progress not Perfection...period. Put down the bat or mallet or whatever you are using to beat on yourself and just stop. Forgive yourself for the relapse and forget resentments toward him for his relapse. Isn't it so astounding that I knew when my alcoholic had returned to drinking without being told? There isn't any better radar to track an alcoholic than the one that is enabling them. Self focus is so hard and when I got caught not practicing self focus and back on the focus of my alcoholic I use to get embarassed like I was doing something wrong. I was doing something normal that I needed to change. How do we create change? Find something healthier to do in regards to the situation and practice that for 90 days or longer until the old habit doesn't rise up.
By the way your alcoholic suffers alot more than you can ever make him. He has got to live with his failure to maintain sobriety and all the self name calling and spritual and emotional self abuse you can imagine. This disease is not about to be thought out of.
Compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body that never can be cured but only arrested by total abstinence.
I was glad when I learned to treat my alcoholic with empathy and compassion rather than all the brow beating and shoulder sitting I use to do. When my sponsor asked me if I would like to go thru what she went thru while being sick at the same time I quit my task as life manager for a practicing alcoholic and started looking for repair work on my own life instead. Since I learned that I also was a victim to the disease I stopped beating on myself also and had the same empathy and compassion directed inward.
The suggestions from this program does save lives. Keep on practicing You will get it and nothing else.
(Sis63) Do not beat yourself up. You slipped, realized it, you detached, and went into another room to read your litature. That is progress with a hint of getting closer to the impossibility of prefection that we strive for. We have all been there and done it. As for not knowing how to handle the situation so you will not feel like you are compounding it, continue working your program, one day at a time and it will continue to get easier. The wonderful thing about this program is we are allowed to make mistakes.
I came home to a situation simular to yours several months ago. I had my first thought that was not good, and then the program kicked it. I detached by leaving the room walking into the bathroom looking myself in the mirror and saying under my breath " I hate working this damn program" LOL. My way of putting a little humor into my situation. My way of saying to myself I had done the right thing. A baby step. But it makes it easier the next time, and the next. Practice, practice, practice.
Our A's have problems only they can understand, and only they can work on them in their own time, and in their own way. I can not do anything to make my A drink, nor can I do anything to make her stop. What I can do is continue to work this program, and take care of myself. That is what I have been doing for a little over 2 yrs. by going to two meetings each week, reading my litature daily, doing service work in my district, coming to this board almost daily, but most of all turning my A over to my HP on a full time basic. What a relief!!
By the way I still enjoy saying that to myself in the bathroom mirror a couple of times a week. It works if you work it!!
Jerry and RLC hit it on the head - progress, not perfection. Just the fact that you are aware of your reaction is huge progress, in my book.
That being said, awareness can really suck out loud - LOL!
Your post and every one's replies have really helped me adjust my own focus - it's sooo easy to slip right back into that old familiar shoe, only now it doesn't fit quite as well. Time for a new pair of shoes!
Oh honey, if we were perfect some of us old codgers would be nominated for sainthood. Please, don't be so upset with yourself. Please know that you're doing you're best. You blew your stack--so what? Think about it, if it were one of us writing that post, you'd tell us that we're all entitled to a bad day; that, ultimately, we each get stretched to the limit and that's it; and, at a certain point, we just can't take it any more. Honey, it's the same thing here. Please take a deep breath, clean up your side of the street, and move on. Think about it: if a cop pulls people over at the same red light every time, don't you think people get pissed? They also learn, quickly, that the cop's gonna be there every time--they change the behavior. When you recognize behavior you don't like, you learn to change. Please don't beat yourself up. You're right where god wants you.
Thank you all for your ESH and kind words. They really helped a lot! I went to my home group meeting last night and heard some of the same comments. The one that stuck with me the most is from a lady who has been in the program for 20+ years. She said to keep reading and saying the slogans out loud. Over and over till they are a part of you. That was what helped her in the beginning and still does to this day. One day at a time...progress not perfection...etc...
I'm feeling better about things and more resolved to work on ME and put the rest in my HP's hands!
((((Sis)))) keep moving forward keep looking uP:))) we are only human and love a person that has a problem with alcohol/drugs. not an easy acceptable task, but is doable. your doing great! keep working it~~ your so worth it! so good to see you post.
keep working it~~ your so worth it! so good to see you post.