This posting hit home I was just going to write about it today.  I was talking with my 18 and 20 year old daughters last evening and the discussion came up and how I just wanted to help them and have them be happy.  My 20 year old told me something that made me sit back and think.  She told me that they've watched me over the years try to make them happy to the point of making myself unhappy.  She pointed out that I could not take care of everything and that they needed to take care of some things themselves - it was the process of learning and growing up.  She told me to try to stop fixing all of their problems because everyone in the world has problems.  How did they become so smart and see in me something that I didn't even see in myself until recently.  I focused all of my attention of my children because my AH was in his own world that didn't include any of us. 

I also have a daughter that suffered anxiety and depression during her early high school years.  I believe that it's a hereditary thing that she got from me but also something that was compounded becauses of all the tension at home.  I thought I was doing a great job of hiding the fact that I was unhappy and stressed and thought our home life was pretty normal.  But it wasn't.  Kids are very smart.  They see lots of things we don't think they do. 

Kids want their parents to be happy and they want to solve a few problems by themselves.  I am just learning how to detach from overhelping them and letting them learn from their mistakes.  It's really hard because I want to not have them feel any pain or failures.  But I can't possibly do that.  I can just be there to support them.  It's how they're going to grow is by falling on their faces a few times and realize that they shouldn't do it again. 

It's very hard to detach but it's a healthy thing to do.  You can support and guide and love - but not do everything.  Focus on yourself and set a good example for your kids. 

Lots of luck.  Slow Learner

Aloha Dub!!

Kids are wonderful and you can see more of the amazing if you don't
stand soooo close to the picture.  When I use to get right up to nose
on the picture I didn't and wouldn't see it all.  

The three A's do work for me that is.  Awareness is always what is my
part in the whole stage show.  Not what is wrong with them and how
did I cause it or correct it but what is my whole part?  Am I supportive
of and to them and respectful in the same way.  When I use to work
with teens  my support was "I understand" and then I would share my
ESH with them or my understanding.  My support continued when I let
them know what I found out along the way and how it was now different
for me including that after I learned more I had to make different choices
and own the consequences of those decisions.  My respect for them was
to honor the individual ways they handled the information and support
and to let them have ownership without my interference or judgement.
I would ask them permission for my participation and participate only
after I got the permission.  If and when they approached me with some
thing they needed help with I would listen deeply (eyes and ears) and
then continue the relationship.  No matter what...no judgment and
rejection and "love them anyway".   Open honesty is a must in all my
relationships especially with kids.  It is most important.  They need the
truth (not the brutal truth) given with care and concern. 

Males are most naturally analytical.  They know less about emotions and
plain ole feelings than females.   Expecting them to "get it" on the feeling
level is a resentment in the planning.   What worked for me was that
feelings had to be defined for me before I can to understand.  What
worked was this;  "Feelings are inside reactions to outside events."  When
I heard that I got it...what was going on inside of myself that I used to
describe in weird abstract pictures.  Giving a male examples on feelings
(your own) can help and don't be surprised that he doesn't "get it" right
away....he hangs around alot of peers who also are males and don't "get
it" either.  Getting it often requires being able to translate the emotional
language.   An event that would make you "sad" might be described as
having "force on his urinary tract".   Something that would make you feel
hurt might be expressed as making him feel like "sh*t".   I was told early
on by women in the program that I needed to get intouch with my
feminine side.  My alcoholic is feminine.  The addict before her is feminine.
The daughter of an alcoholic that raised me was feminine.  I had remore
and resentments what was it that was so valuable there that I would want
to get in touch with....so it takes a gentle, open, empathetic approach.
I went from an angry response to a place of growth when I got the above definition of feelings from my male counselor. 

Teenagers with brains lack a value that you have and they don't...Time in
practice.  They don't have the experience of doing and reflecting and
redoing over and maybe a different way.  Your personal experiences are
gold to you.  It would be good and honest to tell them what your
journey was like to arrive at the imperfection that you are today.  That
is humble honesty.  We never figured it all out the same time around and
we have never gotten it right or perfect.  Kill all expectations of them or
others that they should accomplish from the get go which you have not been able to do yourself.  This attitude and other allowed me to sit with
14 to 17 year old high school student and patients and Alateen and be
on the same level.  They didn't need any more power and control people
in their lives.  

You can use the tools and principals of this program in all of your affairs
as is said in the 12th step.  You can use the literature and your sponsor
also.  We come here specifically because our lives have been affected by
someone elses drinking and the insanity that came as a result of trying
to manage without management tools.  We keep coming and learn that
we can apply this program to ourselves and everything around us.

Keep up the practice of reaching out for help.  It has worked for you.
(((((hugs)))))

Thank you all - I am struggling but each of you have given me some esh to hold onto until this too passes.  I do need to detach from these two kids issues but my first two kids were so sick that I just have fear....yup false evidence appearing real.  I am more sick than any of my kids and my A.  That is pretty darn maddening to admit but with the 3 A's I know I will change and be better more days than not eventually.

maresie- bells rang as I read your words especially to treat myself as a human rather than a machine.  My expectations of what a mom should do to help is based on meeting family of origin's unhealthy example.  I love this too:" I don't get what I want and need today but I am working on getting it sometime soon."

slowlearner - you reminded me that my kids want to see me happier and doing more for me.   This time I can see that how I detach from my A is exactly what I need to do for my kids too. 

buick23 - When I am struggling I think that I would be able to get healthier better if I lived in a less insane & chaotic environment. But with the struggles with kids already, adding the displacement for the kids by separating seems more than I can handle. it is not easy and I can relate to you too.

Jerry - thank you for so many healthy reminders about teens and men.  Sometimes acceptance is beyond me but I will keep practicing as I step back.  This will really help me a lot:  "Feelings are inside reactions to outside events." 

Tiger - I have admired and respected so many good teachers that have helped my kids with lots of understanding.  It's the few that blow away my kids self esteem and embarass me for caring that hurts so much when my own self confidence is shakey.  I need to look at my part in all this and reject old rules & expectations from my past that are not healthy automatic behaviors.

  I am struggling with depression and have an appt to have meds reviewed Monday.  Until then I will work at detachment with love as I allow their issues to drag me down and my 'what if' fear of the future is out of control right now.  ODAT, I must remember ODAT.

With hugs and gratitude for your support,

ddub