The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After spending the past few days away from my A, whom I had asked to leave, I allowed him to come here to talk last night. He was calm, I was calm, and I felt like we both really spoke and that he may have actually listened and heard. I explained to him all the reasons why I did not feel comfortable continuing the relationship the way it was...me working hard on me and him not working at all on him. I know he had relapsed and he finally admitted to it last night. Tho he has been gone for 4 days, I am still playing the what if game in my mind. This is the season where we are all just supposed to get along. Peace on Earth, good will towards men, etc. When he came to me with a plan and a plea for an opportunity for another chance, I held my ground, but what if I give him what he is asking for...which is until the end of the month, to begin to pick himself back up and do the work necessary for him in his recovery. He has made a list of the things he needs to do, a visual reminder for both himself and I and an assurance that if I am not comfortable with what I am seeing by the end of the month, that he would go quietly and that I would never have to see or speak to him again. I told him that this was something that I would need time to think about, as of course I have my reservations. I believe that I am strong enough in my detachment that I can stay on my own side of the street, and wonder if its worth the attempt. Its 4 weeks in the big scheme of things and then again its 4 weeks. This decision is not an easy one for me, I do still love him and wish more than anything that this being the season for miracles, that maybe this time it will be my/his turn to receive one. Any ESH would be greatly appreciated as I have never been in quite this situation before and though a lot of what he said last night he has said many times in the past, somehow (and I hope its not just wishful thinking) there seemed to be more sincerity than desperation in what he said. I gave him my list of boundaries, one being that I would not allow him to have a key to get in, as I had just paid for and changed the lock on the door after he left, he offered to pay for the lock and that if I felt I needed to change it again, the money would be there.....Im just so unsure right now and its kept me up all night and all day going back and forth. Im tired and confused and I honestly wish someone else could make this choice for me. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
you will keep believing until you finally don't. Plain and simple. When u are ready to be done with the game, you will be and you will know it. Until then, try to keep the focus on you and what you desire, prefer and want. I woke up one morning and I was finished with the whole dang scene with my ex AH. Plain and simple. It was time to stop and there was no going back and to this day, I thank my lucky stars for that single morning of pure clarity and certainty. It was like a bell ringing, piercing, through the fog and denial. They are experts at knowing what people want to hear. I loved myself more than him for the first time that lovely morning. Hugs, J.
I sat in a meeting on Friday night and I asked how I would know that I was "done" and those wise people told me that I would just KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt. And two days later my then H went out on another binge after being clean for 18 months and I just knew. And I did what I had to do n\and took the next step for ME and my kids.
If his sinserity and desperation were towards his sobriety rather than keeping a relationship with you, well, that would be different than before and a sure sign that he was working on himself. Him being so foucsed on you and your relationship is a great escape for him not to face his problems.
You gotta do what you gotta do. You will know what is the next right thing for you. I wish you a decision that comes with peace.
"If his sinserity and desperation were towards his sobriety rather than keeping a relationship with you, well, that would be different than before and a sure sign that he was working on himself. Him being so foucsed on you and your relationship is a great escape for him not to face his problems."
Wow, serendipity. Wow. That really just struck a chord with me. Thanks.
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
I know for me, that I needed to feel "done", and to move on knowing that my decision was the right one. Sounds so clean cut and simple from the outside, but when you live it, the uncertainty can be torture. Although I have some regrets that I let things continue when my AH was obviously betraying me, I am content knowing that I did everything I could to protect my kids and save my marriage, and I can look them in the eyes and tell them so. On the other hand, would I do it again knowing what I know now? No way. It is all so contradictory and makes no sense. It can be so difficult to reconcile what you know is true with what you want to be true. There is no easy answer.
Jeannie, you need to do what is best for you. You need some peace. Know we are here for you.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 01:05, 2008-12-04
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
For me, I've been separated, yet still in contact with my aH for the past 6+ weeks. We have a 4 yr old son together. We live in different places and we still see one another a couple times a week. At this point I feel no pressure to make a final decision on things one way or another. I have finally made the comittment to myself to seek a better future. At this point, I don't know in what capacity my future includes him. I am seriously living one day at a time and seeing how I do with that. Its working. And most importantly, I am trying so very hard not to meddle in what he's doing. It is very difficult for me not to plan out his "recovery" "life" "decisions" for him. It takes conscious effort and purposeful thought to NOT ask him questions where the answers don't belong to me. But, in very minut ways, I am seeing the positive effects onto me for it and I am enjoying those moments immensely. I too can relate to the being very unsure and uncertain and confused and wanting someone to just tell me what the right thing to do is. But, what I am finding is that there is no one right answer for all and that finding the right answers for myself can be very personally empowering and satisfying!!! If you stick around here, you will have the opportunity to learn from those willing to share their experience, strength and hope - it is such a gift from them, to us!
I don't know that there is a way to over ride the process. For me it was a long long process of detaching, setting boundaries, working a program, looking at me. For me personally the issue is that I have to work on not being dependent on anyone. The other issue is of course boundaries, when you go like I have from having none to trying to have them, of course it is unfamiliar. I struggled tremendously with self doubt and more.
Personally for me the A could at times be loving, sweet, and commited. The issue for me was that his self destructive behavior didn't change. He kept crashing cars, hung around with people who were addicts and going "off" on binges. So eventually after a long long time of working a program and after he had destroyed our lives I didn't want to go on. In the last few months he called with his endearments, his promises, his claims to "miss me". By then for me personally it was too late. However for a long long long time for me the endearments, the promises, the requests were the stuff I wanted to hear, they hooked me right in and I gave it another try. I'd have to say for me the "another try" often meant going totally awol on a program. Trying again for me meant people pleasing, rescuing, boundarylessness and more. Trying again did not mean a program for me it meant trying again to be codependent and to "fix" him. I didn't "fix" him, love didn't cure him. He was not sober, did not become sober, did not want sobriety. I don't doubt at times he did want to "try" but I think like me he was never commited to really looking at his issues. For me the looking at my issues of how I "engage" codependently came along the way of trying and failing. I got to the point where I could not "fail" anymore. I also got to the point where my codependence was probably as lethal for me as his addiction was to him. I do believe codependence can be lethal in many many ways. For me it meant near bankruptcy, chronic ill health, paralyzing depression and still more.
