The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know, my AH is doing outpatient treatment as part of a plea bargain w/the court where if completed his charge will be dropped down to a misdemeanor. He agreed to this while he was sober (after he almost died, then went to rehab). He relapsed last month and has been drinking almost daily (15 -36 beers, plus hard stuff). Anyway, two weeks ago, he failed his breathalyzer test and was kicked out of group for the night. Now, he has to go twice a week, soon to be stepped down again cause he can con the counselors. He was drunk all weekend, but had counseling today, so he had to sober up since yesterday. He is playing the "let's pretend I'm serious about recovery game" and been going to meetings, got a sponsor, calling his sponsor, etc. (all while drinking, mind you). He is doing this to keep me conned as he lost his job in May due to his alcoholism and his only source of income is unemployment, which he promptly spends on alcohol, gas, lotto, etc. Has a roof over his head (our house) and likes it that way. If he had to go out on his own, he'd have no leftover money for beer, lotto, bars, etc. (his lifestyle). Anyway, today he had counseling and he was telling me how the counselor suggested marriage counseling. He told her no. She suggested this because he told her he's tired of not knowing whether I'm staying w/him or not and tired of the court thing hanging over his head (he threatened my life, hence the court thing) all cause of a "stupid little fight" (his words). Anyway, then he said he thinks we should both spend time apart to "see if we miss and love each other" enough to work thru this. But he wants to do this in March (when his other "seasonal" job starts and a possible personal injury settlement comes thru), hence, use me and my income till then, then it's hasta la vista baby, leaving me high and dry. I said to him that I thought that's what he was doing while in rehab, realizing what's important and working on his sobriety. I also told him honestly while he was in rehab that I didn't miss him or the chaos, I liked my life the way it was, and I didn't really want him to come home. He promised the world cause he "loved" me so much, he surrended, realized so much since he almost died, etc. and I let him come back home. Anyway, after he told me this, I told him there is no reason to be apart for a couple of months for him to decide, I decided a long time ago I didn't want this life, and if he has to think about if he loves me enough to be w/me, obviously he doesn't love me enough, so we'll just call it quits now. I said he doesn't want a couple of months to see if he loves me or misses, me, he wants a couple of months to drink himself into oblivion, then when he's ready to sober up, he'll come crawling back after he spends all his 401k money. But, as any A, that is not good enough. Can't be now. Has to be in March. Then he says we should stick it out a year and try to work it out and if it doesn't, then we split. I said why would I waste a year of my precious life on him, I can certainly move forward right now. Then of course, the blame game starts, I misunderstood him, he meant I needed time, not him (as if I don't hear correctly!), he's just gonna keep his mouth shut from now on (which he won't). I know what he's trying to do, use me and my hard earned money till he gets money of his own, drink and do what he wants to do till then, and create havoc all the way around. I want him out. Out now. Not cause of what he said, perfect excuse though, gave me the out that he wants out, I ran w/it. Why should I have to put up with all of this? I have absolutely no love for this man at all, no respect, no compassion, nothing. But he refuses to leave. Tonite my sons and I are going to listen to Xmas music and have a nice time, AH will be there to try and ruin it (he already has allienated my two sons by constantly belittling them, they've lost all respect for him and they couldn't care what happens to him), my daughter wants no part of him, neither does his sisters and brothers or any friends. I suppose I could call the DA and tell her that he's drinking for a month straight, but then again, it would fall back on me. He needs to sink his own ship on his own terms. It just doesn't seem to be happening. Tonite again, he will be there, he will be saying we don't have the money for him to move out, tries to tell me I'll lose the house, I can't afford it. Yes I can, he knows that, he's trying to flip it that way so I'll think I need him (very typical of A's). Anyway, if any of you know a way I can divert all this to stick to the fact that he must leave without him pushing all my buttons (I'm pretty good at not letting him get to me, but I can only go so far), I'd appreciate it.
First let me reassure you that your A does not have all his people snowed .... they have alot of experience with addicts probably far better at the game then he is. That knowledge once I was willing to accept it helped my anger so much. Their hands are simply tied as are all of ours when it comes to making an A want recovery.
The only thing that truly helped me in this type of situation was the Serenity Prayer, my button still got pushed but I had that to cling to. Knowing in my heart what I wanted, sticking to my decision and wearing the prayer right out ... over and over again. A boundary of his leaving or you will involve the police or DA may help him decide to move quicker if you are really ready to use it. Or even filing for seperation / divorce with stipulation of him moving and who maintains and inhabits tte home could be an idea too. As much as I always wanted to have a nice seperation and divorce, it was not always possible. Try looking into some of those options if for no other reason than to just have the knowledge in case you ever need it.
You're in my thoughts, enjoy your Christmas music and time with family tonight
Gosh I posted something but I don't think I hit submit so nothing came out of it. First of all I would go to the Getting them Sober site. Toby Rice Drew has some great suggestions on how to detach. There is another site that is really helpful in terms of learning to detach www.coping.org.
Above all I think for me the issue was always to get the focus of the A and get it on me. No matter what disaster he made I made a huge point of coming back to me. I don't think that anything but the mandate for me to keep my focus off others helps.
It sounds like you have a lot of craziness going on right now. I guess it comes with the disease.
I can understand your frustration at not being able to act on your desire to split from your AH. I have experienced similar frustration in the past (and I'm sure I will in the future).
I have found some solace in reflecting on the concept of the three A's - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I know that I have been prone to try to go straight from Awareness to Action, without much thought/reflection in between. I've realized that the Acceptance phase is an important time to listen to myself, my HP and my sponsor. I'm not suggesting this is what you are doing, but I sense a certain amount of anxiety in your message that reminded me of how I feel when I'm forcing solutions and jumping from awareness to action without first accepting the full reality of the situation and thinking through the action that's right for the complete and utter truth of the situation.
Not sure if this helps - please "take what you like and leave the rest" - I hope there's a little ESH in here for you.
Alcoholic thinking can be very entertaining , wants to separate but wait til March ? til his hopefully large settlement comes in ? which of course u will never see a dime . No one can tell u what to do with your life , we all have a *enough * point and when u reach it you will know , Trust your gut and instints keep a handle on your own recovery , protect yourself financially - and stay focused on your needs . He will do what he has to do . Louise
My thoughts are with you. I'm in a similar situation and am to the point of seeking legal advice. Now I have to find the courage to follow through on it.
I agree with Abbyal's suggestion - trust your gut, do what you need to do to protect yourself physically, financially and emotionally.
Maybe you can make some alternate plans with your kids at a different (undisclosed) location so that you can all have some peace for a couple of hours. Just a thought.
Queenie...sitting in face to face meetings and listening, listening, listening helped me alot. No they didn't tell me what to do. They told me what they did that worked and then let me pick and choose anything or nothing to help me make different decisions for myself. Al-Anon didn't help my alcoholic wife at all. It sure has done wonders (miracles) for me.
I agree with some of the others. There's a saying that "a rope is good for 2 things: pulling oneself out of their hole; and hanging oneself with it." Eventually, as your loved one digs deeper and deeper, he'll hang himself. He already got kicked out 1x from treatment, which the courts were notified of. Eventually, this too will come to light. Just stay out of the way and let god do the work. I also agree with the suggestion to go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. As long as you're working on yourself, you don't have time to worry about him. You'll also have a priority list for your life that doesn't involve him. As you learn to take care of yourself, you'll find your life is much richer without the anger and hatred you've built up as ammunition.
go to face to face meetings. read alanon literature. talk to alanon members. it is at the alanon meetings you will find the help you need.
"we who live with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. we, too were lonley and frustrated, but, in Alanon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possbile for us to find contentment and even happiness, wether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
when i first went to alanon and heard these words it was like someone put a bandaid on my heart. there is hope Queenie.
Keep coming back.
many blessings jewely
[we have meetings in the chatroom everyday. that is a good place to start, and of course............ try to find a face to face meetings. there you will find the help you need , for it is at these meetings where you will meet people just like. we understand ]
