The material presented
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level.
My husband and I have been dealing with my son's alcoholism for ten years, now. We think he gets better and then he relapses....I am sure you know the song. Early this morning was the final straw. He was out in the garage with his drinking buddies and got into a fight. Then, he proceeded to come in the house and attack my husband saying the fight was his fault. I got between them and stopped another fight. Son then beat up the door. We asked him to leave today and he left at 2PM with bad feelings towards us. I don't know where he's going to go and worse my husband never wants to see him again.....I am so down.
I can very much relate. I felt devastated that the man I lived with for 7 years (we did not get married) was so up and down. He had road crashes, fights galore.
Here in Al anon we can learn some really pretty good skills. One is to de-tach and de-tach and de-tach. The other is to get very very busy with our own lives and stop making the alcoholic the center of the universe. Of course none of these skills are easy. None of us want to learn how to de-tach. i certainly did not. I wanted the A to get better. He did not, in fact he got very much worse. The issue was I chose not to destroy myself as a result of his alcoholism. I chose not to make myself the responsible one so he could continue being irresponsible. Did the A who I was with, change, not a bit. He went on to live a life that was total chaos. The issue is I didn't let myself be totally destroyed by his actions. I stopped taking it so very personally. I stopped believing I was the center of the universe. I also stopped taking responsiblity for everyone but me.
None of us want to have to live with the consequences of an alcoholics actions. There are ways to do that with al anon's tools that mitigate how destructive they are. Any of the actions you are speaking of is very upsetting. There are ways however to make it less upsetting and less the center of the universe and less what occupies the entire day. I made the A who I was with the center of my life, I put everything into him. That certainly didn't suceed in getting him to stop drinking or using, or any of his self destructive behavior. I started working on myself and stopped looking at that everything was about what I did and didn't do. The A didn't change. I did.
I hope you will avail yourself of some of al anon's tools. They are worth trying, some of them like detachment take quite some time to work for some people. There is a community here who know exactly what you are talking about. None of them is going to judge you. We do however make suggestions, suggestions not advice. We do share what we did. We do share that we got better. There are people here who have been through immensely hard times, they live on, they are not destroyed by it.
Thank you for your reply...I am still so hurt. Like all moms, I want to fix things. I am so worried he will get in trouble. I know I need to detach...but I am having such a difficult time. Thanks for caring
vi1414, I know that words are cheap. When it is our child involved, all bets are off! I do not have a child with an addiction problem, but I think if I did, I would want to "fix things" too. I have always told my sons that there is nothing they could ever do that would cause me to turn my back on either of them. I meant that when I said it, and I mean it still today. The flesh of my body and the blood of my veins will always be that.
I know I am not the person who can offer you the possibility of a different outlook on it, but I wanted you to know my prayers and positive thoughts are with you as you work your way through this terrible struggle.
WIth great caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I, too, am the mother of a son with alcohol problems. He, so far, has not displayed any violence, any trouble with law, etc. His troubles are personal...he gets into financial and family difficulties, makes bad decisions. Right now, things are sober and stable. We take what we can get and pray things don't get worse.
With that said, I have learned from this site that you can only work on yourself. Like Diva so eloquently expressed, your flesh and blood ties won't go away; nor will your desire to "fix" everything. The only support I can give you is to keep coming here; find Al-Anon in your area and attend; read books; examine your own actons and reactions to your son; work on detachment (the absolute hardest thing in the world for me). Be sure that anything you do is not enabling your son to continue. Does he live with you? Why was he drinking in your garage? See, there are boundaries you can set. The violence, however, changes things for me. You could be harmed as could your husband. So that requires some different kinds of thinking....thinking I haven't had to face at this point.
I just want you to know you are not alone. Follow this site, looking for parental posts. We are here. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. Parents of sons/daughters with alcohol problems have very hard lives to lead. Al-Anon will make it easier for you. Trust me.
Our son is 30 years old and has been an alcoholic since he was 17 yrs. old. He has been sober and in recovery with a program for the past 17 months. To be perfectly honest, I never thought we would see him sober for such a long period. One Day at a Time. We do not *expect*, but we do have HOPE and BELIEVE. And Faith in ours and our son's HP.
About the detach completely. Well, as a mother, I know that will NEVER happen. But I am comfortable and content with that notion. What I have learned to do is to separate the sober, recovering son from the active alcoholic son. As was stated, the flesh and blood ties will never severed. After all, a mother puts her children first. A mother makes sacrifices and does everything in her power to keep her children safe. Note the word, POWER. Unfortunately, mothers (and fathers) don't have that kind of power. Only our HP has that power. But, parents can pray for strength. We need it when dealing with an alcoholic child.
Been there, done that. Tried to *fix* things. They don't get fixed, and in the end, things are still the same except that I am emotionally and physically exhausted. So I have learned to have faith in my HP (which is God). I allow my HP to lead the way now.
Boundaries. They are important in dealing with an A. Start out with small ones. Form your boundaries with love; ones that you are comfortable with and are able to enforce.
As I mentioned, our son has been in recovery with an AA program, sponsor, church. But his life is rough still. I tell him that the sober man has to clean up the mess that the drunken man made. And his work is cut out for him. When he stumbles upon a difficult hurdle in the road, he gets discouraged. I then remind him that it is possible he is getting a bit lazy and that his HP must be tapping him on his shoulder to get his attention to get back on track. We support him, encourage him and help him if we can because he is helping himself. And once again, we are allowing our HP to guide us along the way.
My thoughts & prayers are with you, your family and your son.
Welcome to al anon! You've heard wonderful e/s/h here, but it can't be emphasized enough: find meetings in your area, and go. These people will be able to show you how to live with your son's insainity and how to move forward from it. Then you'll find that your life is "how it used to be" It's your life again.
