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Hi All I am just posting to get this off my chest. I did not know that by making things that my AH did better for him was a bad thing to do. I had grown up it a A family where my mother did the same things and my father would set home and drink all day. I did not know that by setting in that it made things worse. I thought that I was being a good wife and helping him out. I see that it was wrong to do now that it is to late. I know that taking care of poeple is good and it is how we try to do that that makes it bad. Just feeling down right now and trying to get over it and move on. Too many days off in a roll of the halidays. Thank for listening I know that it will get better in time.
Easy smiley don't be too hard on yourself , we all did the right things for the wrong reasons or visa versa , when we know better we do better . Always remember u did the best u could at the time .I was told to forget every thing I thought I knew about alcoholism - what I didn' t know almost destroyed my family .When enabling was explained to me I was ticked off , the thought that I was actually helping him to carry on made me sick to my stomach . When we quit doing what they should be doing for them selves things change pretty quick . When we stop believing the lies , and when we stop making excuses for thier crappy behavior , when we allow them to be who they need to be , when we stop bailing them out , it frees us up to get our lives back on track . If you have any of our literature ODAT daily reader , go to the page on July 14th it's all there , that page changed my life for the better I read it every day for 6 months until I was doing what it said , and all I had to was step aside and let it all play out just the way it was supposed to with out any interference from me .
I felt so bad when I understood that all the things I was doing to help my AexH and perserve my way of life were hurting us both, I felt horrible. I was trying to be the good wife too.
The great news is, when you start putting all that energy into you and how you want your life to be, magical things happen. They can be as small as seeing a bit of sunshine and stopping to appreciate it instead of being so busy you don't notice, to huge things like waking up in the morning at peace and happy. Keep working it, you're doing great.
I took a poll once of some of our senior most members, how we had enabled. This is what we came up with:
Woke up at all hours to be the designated driver from the bar Paid exorbitant and over due bar tabs Mortgaged the house, maxed out credit cards, barrowed money from friends and family for bail/bond/lawyers/rehab centers Haggled with creditors on over due bills they were supposed to pay I personally, got my father dressed and fed every single time he went up against the state medical boards for his alcholism, just so he could prove "our family wasn't drunk" I personally cleaned up the sheets when my father soiled them Covered up for them to bosses, bill collectors, parole officers, police officers Canceled dates, held dinner, sat at home waiting on the alcholic to "be a part of the family"
As you can see, we all were enablers in one capacity or another. The reason we point this out to new comers is so you can get your life back. As long as we engage in these activities, we stay trapped in the disease. When we stop enabling our loved ones, they become responsibile for their lives and themselves, and we do also.
I don't know that I would personally call "enabling" wrong. After all if we abide by the three C's then nothing but nothing can make them stop. I do know I did a lot of stuff that was personally self destructive to me. I stopped that but it took a while. I have to work really hard not to enable anyone at all. That means so much personal focus and responsibility and honesty (self honesty) some days I find it a long hard slog.
Please don't beat up on yourself. Oprah has a saying when we know better we do better. I think that is definitely the case. Nevertheless I do really feel that so much of this is practice. There is the practice in saying no. Believe me when I went from a people pleaser to someone who said no people were lining up to say I was "selfish".
I can definitely withstand being called selfish now. I know now that means I am going in the right direction.
I'm working on learning to take care of myself and I'm in my 4th year here. It takes a while to get to be an expert at it.
I'm glad you are here and appreciate your honesty and diligence.
