Should I still try to apologize... - Al-Anon Family Group

Codependent · Senior Member

Should I still try to apologize...

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the people I admire on this site a great deal has a saying. Don't try to fix direct or control others. When I follow that I don't seem to get in as much trouble as I used to. As a recovering codependent I have to be scruplously honest with myself (not with others - myself) and acknowledge when I am fixxing directing and trying to control others.

Maresie.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Co,

I met with my sponsor the other night and we were discussing how she missed her first day of work - it was on her calendar, but it was the day before Thanksgiving and she just goofed. Anyhow, she was very sorry, made genuine apologies to the appropriate people, and then let it go. In this story she was telling me how the "old her" would have kept on apologizing and continuing to make up for it, but now she can let it go. That was a powerful story from her to me. Now I pass it to you.

My own experience in the type of situation you are describing, is that continual apologies just gave my A more ammunition to use against me. He did not interpret ythe situation like I did or thought he would, and rarely if ever did I get the results I wanted. You are human, Co, and have no reason to be ashamed. I hope you can let it go.

Blessings,
Lou

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

How many times do u have to apologize ? it's done let it go . If you are waiting for a response from partner , let that go to . carry on and promise yourself u won't do that again . Louise

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Co!!

Part of our reading subject (self focus) this moring included "martyrdom" that
part of my character that suggest that I need to suffer and here let me strike
the first match to the funeral pyre. I hated that about myself because it never
ever got me as much pity and affirmation that I thought I needed. Keep it
simple is a good slogan for me. Now I can say, "Ooops (optional) I screwed
up." "Will you forgive me is never ever requested in my apology today." I
can accept if they do or if they don't. It's not required.

Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

This reminds me of making amends, which my sponsor says is NOT necessarily apologizing. Rather, it's changing our behavior, not doing it again. Amending our behavior is a TRUE apology. Actions speak louder than words.

Watch your motives, Co. The only way to stay out of trouble is asking myself what my motive is for my actions. Attending face 2 face meetings helps me to stay honest with myself.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I consider what you are saying as,"repentance" being sorry for, apologetic, asking for forgiveness.

I have something in my past that I felt awful about. I asked for forgiveness from my hp.

I asked my mother how do I know it is forgiven and how many times do I need to apologise.

She told me as soon as you are sorry, and ask for forgiveness, it is done. Whether the other person accepts your apology or not, hp does. And isn't that who matters?

Also a person must forgive themselves.

If you mean it, one time is enough.

It is very wonderful of you to ask this. Shows ya really mean it.

hugs,debilyn

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Absolutely you must forgive yourself first. You are sorry. You will try hard to change that behavior. That is enough for now.

My constant apologies seemed to be rooted in 1. perfectionism, 2. people pleasing, 3. self sabotage.

I expected nothing less than perfection from myself or else I wasn't worth anything. I wanted others to like and forgive me or else I wasn't worthwhile. I would continue to feel badly about any mistake, real or perceived, until I had effectively sabotaged my relationship with friends esp in my own mind. I envisioned all the bad things they thought of me until I couldn't face them any longer. It ws one of the ways I isolated myself.

Try to let it go. You made a mistake. It's really no big deal in the grand scheme of things.

In recovery,

Rora · Senior Member

I heard a motivational speaker say once that we, as people, aren't very good at apologizing and that a good apology includes 3 things,

1. "I'm sorry"
2. "i shouldn't have done __________"
3. "how can I make it up to you?"

and then that's the end!
I try to do this.
When I am truly sorry.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I am a fan of many motivational speakers, however they aren't usually confronting alcoholism. My AH apologized like this for 26 years. Unfortunately, he never meant a word of it. A true apology (making amends) is amending the BEHAVIOR. That's why they say to watch the behavior and not the words. My H would do one thing and say another all day long.

And, I totally agree with Lou, it is best NOT to give more ammunition to sick people who will use it against us.

-- Edited by glad lee at 22:18, 2008-12-05

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