The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello family, Today is Sunday, November 30, the end of one month, the beginning of another. Today, I asked my A to leave. Actually, it was last night, but he didnt believe me then. This morning he arrived with his stepfather to take some of his belongings. He only took clothing, leaving everything else until another day. I wasnt real happy with that, but the weather is lousy here and not a good day for moving, so I am dealing with it. I am not even sure how I feel right now...maybe numb, maybe sad...definitely anxious,the what-ifs are running around in my head and I cant seem to control them right now. I am sitting here wondering if I over reacted, if I made a poor choice, all the if's that go along with the choice I made....the paranoid thoughts are making themselves know too...will he be vengeful, will he be a danger to me...when will he just be gone from my life forever and is that what I really want...I cant seem to stop, these thoughts go on and on.....do I call him, suggest we try to make it work again, will he change.. Seems most of the posts I have read today have to do with the same thing I am dealing with right now, but for me it is still so new and raw. I know logically that this is the best thing for me, but emotionally, I am a wreck. Do I pack up the things that I can and move them into the common area so he doesnt have to spend too much time in the apartment.... Im just so.....well I dont know what I am, but I know its not real good.
seeking peace, jeannie
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
The leaving is a hard one. I am almost 2 years out from leaving the A. He got himself in such a mess before left him. He set it up so there was a crisis so we were all supposed to put all the attention on him.
I hope you will start to detach. Of course you want it all over with. I am really sad that this is up for you.
Some of us are a little way along the line in the leaving but it is hard going. Either being left or being the one doing the leaving is hard going. Personally I think its also a crossroads a time to look at oneself. I know I have gained so much insight since I have been on my own.
Here's to a peaceful beginning for you and the courage for you to continue to do what is best for you. I am waiting for my AH to leave in the next month and dread how all that will occur. I know he too doesn't want to take everything, but wants to come back and get things as needed. My belief is that will only make things harder and gives him the opportunity to continue to 'hook' into my emotions and business since as it is still partially his home. To me only the complete break will provide peace whenever that finally occurs. But it does take time and one needs to take all the time that one needs to decide. I will keep you in mind with high hopes for the right answers to come to you.
Its not going to be easy but then again was it ever easy WITH him? I just came across some old sweet letters and drawings from my exAH. Before the disease totally occupied him and before I was really aware of his diseases (he has many including mental illness) and my re-awakening to my own- I was in lala land, total and complete denial. This disease is progressive. It gets worse unless one gets into recovery, plain and simple.
No honest working of a recovery program and this disease gets worse, quickly and in horrible ways. this goes for us as much as them.
You did what you needed to do, now work your program with all your might. Get to meetings, get into service work. Make the commitment to yourself and yourself alone. Its you and HP now, cling to HP with all you've got. Turn everything over to HP every second of the day if you have to. Hugs and you will make it through- this too shall pass. Hugs, J.
