The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I knew it was coming. I saw him at the funeral of a friend, I saw him at his bday dinner, and then he came to Thanksgiving. So last night I lost it. Was actually out on a date with another guy. Had a few drinks then proceeded to call the A. He asked if I was on date and I said yes. Then I proceeded to recall him and send him text after text telling him how I needed to move on, that I couldn't seem to get past the thought of us being a family, blah, blah, blah. Felt so ashamed and pathetic this morning. Sent him an apology and called and left a message saying I'm sorry. I knew this was coming. I could feel it, but he must think I am so pathetic after all these years and all the times he has rejected me...that I still throw myself at him like I do. Thanks for letting me share.
The holidays don't help at all - I can totally relate. My AH was going out the other night all dressed up 'with the guys' and I lost it. I cried and asked him to spend the evening with me instead - he simply said he didn't want to be with me. I felt totallly pathetic crying while he walked out. Five minutes later he send me a text that says I will love you forever - it's not over. Living with A is totally crazy. Be easy on yourelf - progress not perfection.
And relapse was a part of my recovery also. There really isn't any shame in being honest and having feelings.
I have learned the hard way that sharing my feelings was really unsafe with my A. All it did was make me feel worse. I had to test that theory for YEARS before I finally understood that he would NEVER be able to give me what I needed. And even when I finaly "got it" it took a really long time before the grief subsided.
Be patient with yourself and know that it will pass. Letting go of the drama was harder than quitting smoking for me. I would create drama just for the attention from him.
Everytime a craving hit to call him, or something would pop into my head that I had to tell him RIGHT THEN, I would wait. I would tell myself that if I still NEEDED to tell him in an hour (or 5 minutes) then I would. I gave myself time. Or when the urge struck, I would call a friend and tell them what I wanted to say to the A. This worked really well when the cravings came. And over time, they lessened and became managable until today, when I get filled with that stuff in my head, I laugh it away because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is nothing left for me to say to him. Not now, not ever.
Oh yeah, done that, continue to do that sometimes. Please do not be so hard on yourself. Sometimes it helps for me to just laugh at myself a little bit to lighten up. I know how hard and DEEPLY humiliating this is, though. I really do. Its so painful when we self-sabotage. So painful. I like to remember: 'when in doubt, don't' and stick as close to that as I possibly can at all times. Take care and chill out and know you can always begin again and start anew at any moment. This too shall pass. Relapse happens. Love yourself anyway just as God/HP does. Hugs, J.
Certainly I have done that too. I found the only way I could detach from the ex A was to work on not knowing. I had to not know what he was doing. I had to not ask. I had to stop wondering. That was the way I did it.
