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Hello all, It's been a while since I've posted. Been reading a lot of past posts about A's returning home from rehab, as that is what happened here almost 4 weeks ago. Things are different, but the same. I am no longer watching him like a hawk....I have so much more energy now! During the 4 weeks he was gone, I worked like a mad woman on myself, and was feeling great. As some of you may have read in my past post, he returned home earlier than planned....3 weeks earlier. That put me in a panic. With all of your ESH, I was able to push that panic aside and just let things flow however they may. I did tell him I wasnt ready for him to be here, he begged, I caved, and honestly, except for the drinking, things are pretty much status quo. He blew me off for the first week and a half, after promising to fix my car, which wouldnt start, left me hanging twice over that. Yeah, I fixed it myself...I guess I can add mechanic to my ever growing list of things I am capable of!! He couldnt understand why I was so upset with him when he didnt show up to fix it while I was working but instead went to visit an old family enemy...for closure he said. He still behaves the way he did while he was drinking....saying one thing, doing another, and when I tell him how that makes me feel, he defends himself by telling me that he didnt mean to hurt me and that this wasnt all about ME. In my eyes, it is still all about HIM. He is not going to meetings, he is not working a program, he is not working a job, yet he maintains that he is not drinking. I have my doubts, but dont bother to express them. I continue doing what I need to do for myself, which he resents. He has women calling him from rehab, and he calls as well, which tho I know he and they both need support, I am uncomfortable with...our cell phone bill was over $400 this month from these calls. I let him know about my discomfort, again out came the defensive line. I feel that I am starting to fall back into some old behaviors tho I am trying SO hard not to....difficult tho, when he is still behaving in the same old way, and doesnt appear to be making any effort to change it. I was so much more relaxed and happy while he was gone, now I feel resentful and spiteful at times. When I tell him now I feel, and that maybe this is just not right for us right now, and why, he tells me its a copout that I have been trying to get rid of him for a while. I know that things are going to be tough for a long time for him, but I guess I thought that after having all that counseling and therapy, he would understand a little bit more about following thru with what he says. I have come right out and told him that I dont believe a word he says, that I only believe what I can see and that right now I am not seeing anything that is making me feel comfortable. He doesnt get it....oh well. sorry this is so long, its been a while. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Welcome back! Isn't reality great? lol. Those A's always keep you hopping. Mine is there then he is not there. Helpful then not helpful. I can add mechanic, accountant, chainsaw specialist to my list. One time he comes through then the next he screws it up. I am learning to help myself or ask for help from others more and more.
Welcome back, Jeanie. Drinking or not makes little difference to most of us, when the behavior stil doesn't change. I'm glad you got those few weeks to work on you and feel a bit of the calm and serenity. It helps once we have an idea of what we're working so hard for. I'm sorry that he doesn't seem interested in helping himself. He appears to still be struggling against step 1. Manipulting is the name of the game for them. It was for mine, until I just refused to buy into it any longer.
You are right that his disease wants all the focus on him. That's how it survives. Keep to your program. Are you going to f2f meetings. They are so much a part of the program. I don't know how people work it without them. It really helps to have a list of people you can call or go out to have coffee with.
Take care of you.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think they are suggested to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. If I were to do that I would not have much time to be calling anyone.
I know I spent years in toxic resentment of the A, years not believing him, years stuck in that. I took a long time to learn how to detach when I started doing that things changed for me. They didn't change for him, they changed for me.
