The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of you know from my previous posts that I have been working my program in earnest for a relatively short time ( ~ 9 months). During that time, I have been learning a lot about my own disease of codependancy and enabling. I've learned that my needs and my sons needs are important and I've received the gift of a spiritual awakening that I never believed was possible.
Yet, I've also continued to struggle. I struggle most with taking an action that meets my needs and my son's needs, but will likely cause serious consequences for AH - moving out. Balancing my compassion and willingness to care for a man suffering severe medical consequences, with desire for self-care. After a lot of thought, assessment of pros and cons, consultation with HP I have decided to stay until such time as I believe in my heart, that when I leave, I will stay "left". This is how I summarize it today, but I swing backwards and forwards, depending on the latest "splash" from the "splatter zone" of our diseases.
This Thanksgiving, I had made a plan to get through with serenity. I went to my home group meeting on Wednesday evening. Sent my son away to be with a another family out of state so that he could have a regular Thanksgiving - he was so grateful! I also planned to spend the day alone. AH would be present physically, but I would not expect him to be present in any other way. No expectations, no disappointments, no linkage of my spirits to my AH choices. So that was the plan.....
To my surprise, AH decided to dry out for Thanksgiving. He was through the worst of the acute withdrawal by the afternoon, and we spent a relatively lovely day together. I say "relatively" since the morning featured vomiting and we couldn't have a typical lunch because his jaw is still wired shut from a seizure and fracture! He told me that he is tired of being like this, that he will go into a program of recovery (rehab and AA) and he wants his life back.
Today was even nicer.
So what's the problem? I hope that his resolution will stick, but I know from countless times previously, that he has not truly accepted that he cant do it alone. So he will likely relapse when I go back to work on Monday.
My problem is that when the disease lets up just a little, as it has for the last few days, I see the man I adore. The man I married 22 years ago. The man full of love and care. The honorable man. I miss him so.
I know that there is nothing I can do to affect the outcome for AH. That this is in his and his HP hands. I know I have to keep working on me. That serenity, and living my life, not just waiting for the disease to let up a little so that I can see my AH, is important for me. I need to keep working my program and will do so. Thanksgiving has been a reminder that I truly love the man under the disease.
Yeah for you and hubby = so glad u didn' t miss the good days. U never know when it's gonna take , relapse is possible , but as someone said to me what are u going to do if he stays sober >> what kind of shape are u going to be in she asked ? well quite frankly I had never thought of that . hehe so I got busy working harder on detachment , lowering my expectations and just focusing on today . He did quit he did relapse he did sober up again and stayed that way thank god I was ready for Sobriety cause it certainly isn' t the answer to all of our problems . keep the focus on yourself , leave him to God and AA and let God and Al-Anon fix you . Louise
You're growing from practicing this program of recovery and making it a priority in your life. There are more miracles to come more mind bending understand- ing as you get closer to identifying Rocky, her strengths, weaknesses and possibilities. I love Louise's feedback. She's been around longer. She has witnessed and experienced more of the miracles which become promises for the future for those that commit to coming back and learning and practicing.
There is much you have and will continue to do for yourself that will affect your husband. You cannot do it for him or with the expectation that he will be better in the consequence. When I got off of my alcoholic's back and when she got more sick and tired of being sick and tired she had to face herself by herself without any distractions. She got into inpatient recovery and then AA. She couldn't see what she had to see with me interferring. I had to learn not to project into the future...what will happen, won't happen, or what can come about in my Higher Power's will. I don't know beyond conjecture what is not the truth right now so I no longer go there even on invitation I don't what if or what if not anymore and I don't stand around putting my life on hold to see it come about. Today I love miracles and they don't happen because of any power I have. Yesterday at our Al-Anon/AA Thanksgiving get-together at a member's house I stood next to a man who has just celebrated 16 years of sobriety. I was at his first meeting and he was a wreck looking for a box to lay down in. He was so messed up with dishelved dirty hair and clothes and body and he smelled rancid. He had large open sores on his body and I thought to myself, "He's not going to make it." I had a name for him. I learned he was cross addicted; both drugs and alcohol and from all of my experiences he should not have been alive nor survive much longer. I can almost hear God laugh every time I stand next to or hug or shake hands with or pray with this "old timer" of recovery. He has helped many to approach and secure sobriety. When I got smart enough to say to myself and others, "I don't know" I started to learn.
I am happy that you had a great day with your husband. Being able to know the difference between he and your alcoholic is spiritually awesome.
For me personally it wasn't just about loving the alcoholic it was about that I had lost the love for myself with the constant trauma, lies, set backs and constant unending drama. Yes there were certainly good days. I certainly felt needed but loved I did not.
I am glad your Thanksgiving was good. I chose to stay with the A for a long long time. I wish I had chosen to detach earlier. I wish I had chosen to take care of myself sooner. I felt my whole life was all about taking care of him, it wasn't and isn't anymore. I know I have to take care of myself otherwise my life falls apart.
