The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying. I really, really am trying to understand. To keep it at me. I am really really trying to wrap my head around that.
Here's a situation of today... My aH comes over today. We've been separated for 6 wks now. The plan was that he'd come by this morning before I left for work, bring coffee, spend the day at the house, cook dinner and spend time with me and our 4 yr old this evening...
Ok. He comes, brings coffee as planned. I am irritated at the very sight of him. Antagonistic even. In my gut, it hurts and is churning. Right away this morning, I am feeling like I like things better when he's not here. I speak to him after I leave for work, saying that I feel tense and antagonistic by his presence, he says maybe spending time together is not a good idea. We don't really decide ...
When I get home from work, aH is at the house. Dinner is made. Which is nice, but I honestly have no appreciation for it, beyond not having to cook tonight. I dont feel overly appreciative towards aH. There's no conversation at dinner table. No eye contact. No connection of any kind. After dinner son and aH fall asleep on couch. I am irritated rather than endeared. I have to pop out for 1/2 hr , son stays with aH.
So, while out I do some self reflection... why am I so irritated? why do i have no compassion for aH? no appreciation? why would I prefer he leave?
indeed when i got back, aH and I were on the same page, and he quickly and promptly left.
how do I know the difference between the reason for my discontent being because a) I am sadly and highly affected by the tentacles of this disease, and too "sick" to know what I want or be able to function in a healthy way and b) there is just nothing left between aH and I and it is clearly just time for us to move on from one another??
how do I tell the difference? what it feels like to me is that emotionally I have nothing left in me for aH and I enjoy my life more when he is not part of it. But I hesitate to believe that because Alanon has made me feel even more incompetent to trust my feelings, because these feelings could exist as a result of my affectedness of the "Alcoholic" relationship and not necessarily be leading me toward the right path.
ugh... I don't expect this to be easy. I am just so confused and I don't know what to do ... Does working a program mean making ongoing and constant allowances for people whom you don't seem to like very much?
Am I not working a program when I don't appreciate the dinner that was made for me tonight, because I cannot stand the silence adn tension at the table and my aH's staring at the floor throughout the whole meal?
Am I not working a program when I can't be compassionate to my aH who came to spend time with me/us, but obvioulsy is very tired to have fallen asleep for the evening?
Sure, I could say, I'm so thankful that he came, made dinner, folded clothes even, and watched our son while I went out for a half hr. And I could choose to over look that I had to pick up after him, that he didn't have anything to say the whole time he was here, he fell asleep for 2hrs, and then left as soon as I returned. It seems more like I had a foreign Nanny here and while I appreciate the gestures and "chores" he did while here, I am not looking to be married to the Nanny. My expectations of a Nanny would be very different than those of a husband and appropriately so. If my Nanny made dinner and stared at the floor not saying anything, I might think it was odd, but I wouldn't be "hurt" by it. In my husband I am looking for the relationship characteristics of a husband, Connection. Being plugged in. I want him to be able to show me I matter. That the world matters. That our family matters. He tells me he doesn't know how to act around me. I believe that.
ugh...I just don't know if this is an "A" thing where I have gone sour...or a marriage gone sour thing...
For me, there was no seperation of the "Aism" and the decline of my marriage. I was married to an A so, the disease infects every single aspect of my life.
When my ex and I were seperated and he would come over and take care of the kids, make dinner, do the dishes, I was apperciative, but that was all and as soon as I came home wanted him gone. I didn't want to have to force myself to make conversation with him, I really didn't like him. Making dinner and being a father was not making me fall back in love with him and he wasn't willing to do the work on our marriage.
When I was done, I was done. Alanon gave me tools to use and self cofidence.
You have a right to be happy. Doesn't really matter if you're married to an A or to a plumber who drinks normally, you do what you need to do to be happy.
hmmmm , well first I would suggest a gratitude list , reasons why u love him in the first place , little things he does that at the moment u don't appreciate ,anger is perfectly normal in your situation but having expectations is only going to kick u in the butt . I am assuming your husb is still drinking so will say this disease is not about love or lack of it at the moment it is running his life , and as I heard a speaker say along time ago , I'm sorry but if YOU get in between me and addiction YOU have to go . You said there was no talking at supper what could he say after u told him that u were aggitated and irritated by his very presence You don't say if your attending meetings f2f or just doing on line - u need support from people with skin on em who can walk u thru this . someone in program like a sponsor to call on a bad day - or to just meet for a coffee . On line is like working alone and it 's just too damn hard . If he is sober , its not our job to keep them sober but we can help by changing our attitude its the only way I know how to support thier efforts at sobriety. Don't be too hard on yourself this is not easy and it takes time - but please don't make any life altering decissions when in this frame of mind , talk to someone in program f2f face . do it for you. Louise
HI Rora, My thought is until we really believe they have a disease, it is very hard to be compasssionate towards them. We still blame "them" for all the bad stuff.
If he had a brain tumor that made him act like he did, I am willing to bet you would feel totally different towards him.
It is hard for us to believe that they really,really have a disease.
When I finally "got it" I felt and still feel great compassion for any addict. They are humans with a horrible disease, that even some doctors don't recognize.
They are chastized, hated, abandoned, for a disease they would never have chosen to have. Their using is not fun for them.
Anyway that was my thought.
Also it really doesn't matter does it? You feel it, own it and go on. Sometimes an orange is just an orange. I had to learn I could not figure any of it out becuz we cannot rationalize insanity. The disease makes us crazy too.
I had a few thoughts while reading your post. I remember being so frustrated sometimes that I was not able to define what I was feeling once I remembered I had a right to feel and not just react to another person's actiions. It takes time to know exactly what you want and there is no schedule to keep. The hardest part is maintaining a balance between giving yourself space to take a break and feeling like you are not doing enough to get to where you want to be.
I had alot of anger and impatience towards my A after I started gaining some independence and taking care of myself. It annoyed me to be around him. Sometimes I felt like visits were intrusive and I simply did not want to share my space even when he did everything he could to make it a nice visit. It really did not have anything to do with him for me, the unresloved anger and situation added to the feelings but they were still mine. And time brings answers.
I know it is hard, try to have patience with yourself and keep taking care of yourself as best you can
Rora, Wow, does that ever sound like me a year or so ago. I felt so disconnected around my AH. I just wanted him away from me. I found that I really needed time away from him. The thing that worked best for me was to be honest with him about it. When he did get sober and became responsive to me, I told him that I was uncomfortable around him, that I didn't trust him, that I wanted to feel affection for him, but it wasn't there right now. I know it hurt for him to hear, but I also knew he was a full grown adult and could handle it. I quit dancing around his feelings and told him that I would be honest with him and he was responsible for how he chose to feel about it.
It has taken a long time for me to heal.
"In my husband I am looking for the relationship characteristics of a husband, Connection. Being plugged in. I want him to be able to show me I matter. That the world matters. That our family matters. "
Like you I was looking for these things, and I wanted this disease to be over. I felt that when things got better, I should be all better, NOW. I don't know if your love and affection for your AH is gone. I don't know if your marriage is over. I do know that when I didn't know, I managed to let it go and give it to HP every day until I did know. I realized that I could take the time I needed. I could tell him that he could only stay for a couple of hours, or I don't want to see you today. I could take the time to work on me and let him work on him. Patience was not one of my strengths, but this kind of hurt takes time to heal, a lot of time. It cannot be rushed. For me the feeling is coming ack. My AH will be moving back in soon, and I am now conservatively looking forward to it. We have been separated since Aug 07.
My suggestion is to give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself and don't should on yourself(should feel more, should want this, should know that, etc). Be honest and learn to express your feelings to someone who it is safe to do so (your Al-anon group, sponsor).
If you give yourself the time to heal, you will know what is the next right thing. Al-anon has taught me to go easy and trust myself to make good informed decisions.
I wish you some serenity today.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I just read your post, after I just posted a topic of my own. I think I know a little bit about what youre feeling. My A just returned home from rehab, 3 weeks earlier than planned. I was enjoying my time alone. I had no unnecessary stress, had time to catch up with friends I had been neglecting, time for ME. I loved it. When he came home I was totally unprepared for the resentment and anger I felt towards him. We have been together for almost 7yrs, and I have spent all of them wanting what I consider to be the most important things in a relationship, trust, honesty, commitment, etc. I didnt get them, and I thought that once he was home and had a pretty good grip on things, they would miraculously appear. Needless to say, I am still waiting. Letting him back into my life, for me, means that I am allowing his disease back into my life. With that thought in my mind, it is hard for me to be anything but guarded. I am not feeling very affectionate, trusting, nothing warm and fuzzy...it's hard to determine the difference between loving him and hating the disease. I, too, am struggling with that dilemma as they are both one and the same. For me, my choice right now, is to just let things take their natural course. They will work themselves out one way or another, and I am preparing myself for either way. Keep on doing for you, the smallest things can have the biggest impact. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
In the Getting Them Sober books, she says that the "good stuff" the helping is just a part of the disease. I see that in my AHsbober when he comes over. It really isn't helpful. I tell him that what is missing in my life is not a mechanic or plumber but a companion. And he will not work on our marriage.
