The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF has been relapsing all this month long, and I believe he has finaly hit bottom and is trying to get clean.
While I'm getting clearer on the ideas that I did not cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it, I would like to get some advice on how to relate or communicate with my ABF.
Can I tell him how angry I am with him? Can I tell him how I am grieving over all the dreams of us that are now delayed or destroyed? Do I let him know how dissapointed I am? Of how I am having to figure out what to tell friends and family? Do I tell him that I don't trust him?
Or do I wait until he is ready to hear it? Or try to let go of all these negative feelings without discussing how his use has affected me?
I'm just really not sure how to talk with him anymore.
No advise just a suggestion from my experience and from sitting at the lap of program for years. Just for today...communicate with your sponsor and other experienced program people. With this family you will find less insanity, more rational and compassionate and understanding communication and love. Your addict hasn't miraculously gained good hearing and understanding and cannot respond from any expectation other than addiction. Leave him alone and go after those you can help you. In time and if it is to happen you will be able to communicate with him and get better responses from both him and you.
Of course if you must give into the compulsion to let him know what he already knows (addicts and alcoholics are great at reading body language which by the way is 57% or more of communications) give it a try. If you haven't alot of success communicating your emotions and then having positive responses, I'd suggest you do something (anything) else.
I also am a newbie and have not replied to anyones posts. But I know exactly what you are going through. I believe that you are not going to have to tell him how hurt you are or how disappointed you are. If your ABF is really trying to clean up, he will know. When my AH got out of his first rehab about 6 months ago, I wanted to talk to him about everything that had happened over the past year, all the drinking and drugs and girlfriends, the lies, how I'd lost respect for him. And finally one night, while we were up late working (we HAD a business), I finally got him to talk to me about everything. He said that he didn't want to talk to me because he knew he had hurt me, he could see it in my eyes. And he didn't want to talk to me about it because then he had to look at me and couldn't stand to see the hurt in me that he knew he'd done. At that moment, I knew that he did care about me, which is something I thought was lost a long time ago. If you do get a chance to talk to your ABF, make sure, no yelling. And try to understand, that he is powerless when under the control of his addiction. I hope this helps you....I'm not sure that I am strong enough to be trying to help anyone else, but I just could not resist. Just remember, don't worry. Worrying is like praying for the things we don't want to come. Everything will work out, just pray and listen to your HP.
