The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay, I need some support! My father was an alcoholic, my husband has all ths ism's as my counselor says with some coda behavior. He says I have the double wammy! He associates sex with love and intimacy. I have felt used and abused for many years. He is like an empty tank you could never fill! I don't try anymore! He is very controlling. My counselor and I have come to the conclusion that he is very needy. When he doesn't get his needs met via me, he withdrawls or treats me very ugly. He withdrawls also when I actually need support from him. He is always abscent in a need any emotional support. My counselor and I have discussed the importance of detaching from him in anyway I can so WE both can be whole. I have told him several times I need some space to detach.....I can't have him hanging all over me, waking me up at night rubbing all over me, constantly needing my affirmations. I have told him nicely, I can't fill you up, he says he understands, and then he is back over again saying he needs my affection! He got mad today, when I asked for some space. I am starting to see him as sick! He doesn't get it. He is so fearful of abandoment, but is actually pushing me away more. I am here to meet his needs and if I don't he hates me. This has been going on for 14 years! Anybody delt with this.
Yeah...I know how your husband feels and what he is going thru. That was me before getting the recovery lessons I needed to get. I was a little petulant, needy child in a crazy man's body. The lessons were so unbelievably hard and impossible to understand for a while and I went thru some of the same pain that your husband is going thru yet the best thing that ever happened was the then women in my life who really cared for me would not rescue me and let the pain motivate me to coming to understand that sex is not love and need is not intimacy and dependency is not loyalty. I don't know where I got my perceptions from...maybe from the same wonderland story book a girl get's it from. God I'm grateful for this program and the "walkers" in it.
Jerry, Thank you for your post. I talked with my husband and he is so confused because he says he needs my affirmation and love to be happy. Dependent on me. But so, that he feels neglected when I take care of me. Sometimes I wonder if it would not be best for us to seperate for 3 to 6 months and see what happens. He has never been independent. His mother was very controlling and would not let him be him. I feel being in the same house is a lot for him to handle to grow up and learn what he wants. It does sound like I am rescueing right now. HUH? Slap my hand. I need to let go and let God. There is such a fine line of being caring and going overboard. Can you just right back and tell him what finally worked for you? Books, counseling, some time alone. This is very difficult for me! Thank you!
sounds like my ex. I tried to set limits for years. then I realy worked on boundaries. Detachment helped. I had to super work on it. Every day you are in program practice practice practice.
