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I have noticed alot of new members on this site. Getting through the holidays is going to be rough for me, and I assume others. Are there any tips from you more "experienced" members that you wouldn't mind passing on? Thank you in advance.
Though I certainly wouldn't call myself "experienced", this is my third holiday season where I have had reason (or so I thought) to feel less than joyful. I remember last year was better than I expected because I kept my expectations really low. I did not expect my AH to take part at all. I made plans for me and my kids. Then, when he asked to join the festivities on Christmas Eve at my parents's house and come to my house on Christmas morning, I was surprsied and pleased. To be honest, it wasn't enjoyable for me, but my kids were in such a raw place that they needed it. This year I am in a different place, and my kids are too. They are just going to need a good substitute. He won't be welcome at my parents, but then again, I can't imagine he would even ask.
So, I decided that in order to make it fresh for me and so that he will not be missed as much by my kids, I want to make this season totally different and begin some new traditions. This year, rather than a groomed Christmas tree, I want to go with a friend to her parents' property and get a free "Charlie Brown" tree. Then I am thinking I will give the kids a small budget and let them buy a new tree skirt, some ornaments and decorations. Maybe we will pick a few special ornaments out of the old collection, but to be honest I want to leave all my old stuff in the rafters this year. I even want new stockings.
The kids will be with me at my parents' house on Christmas Eve, and rather than come home to have Christmas morning like we always do, we will stay the night and I will deliver the kids early the next morning to my AH. The kids will get to spend the night with their cousins. Different, and they will love it.
We'll see how this goes. Hope I just didn't lay out a bunch of expectations. Aaack!
The holidays are always hard, but we get always get through them. It's nice that we all have each other.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
One of the best parts of recovery are in the relationships we form in this family and on holidays or just for fun (birthdays too!!) we spend these together. Thanksgiving will see 30 of us recovering types hanging around in someone elses kitchen and television or table or garage or where ever and doing what we do best...loving unconditionally and giving lots of strokes to the cooks. I already know that I'm getting some cranberry chutney just for my own hyper taste buds. Hard to stay in the day when I know what's coming. Dang!!
Check with your local area and see if there are any Al-Athons (all day meeting/get-togethers with all that food) happening.
Good question. For me the issue wasn't dealing with hubby so much. He was a pretty quiet A and was gone for Christmas. It was when I went over to my sister's house. Her hubby is an addict, although sister is in denial about that. Anyway, especially on Thanksgiving, I could use the excuse that I had to be up at 2am the following day because I work retail. I always had an escape plan when things got tense. Yes, I may not have had to be up that early, but it was a white lie that didn't hurt anyone's feelings.
The other thing you can do is perhaps offer to take the children to a movie or do some volunteer work. I use to volunteer on Thanksgiving when I was single. It gave me a good feeling. There are meetings and often special events around the holidays. Check out your local Alanon even if you are travelling.
The thing that worked the most for me was when things got stressful I had to remember to go back to the basics. Start with Step 1, say the Serenity Prayer, and work my program. Keeping it really simple during the holiday helped a great deal. I found that the program worked itself not only when dealing with addiction, but just with the everyday stresses of the holidays. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I wouldn't go so far as to call myself experienced either. I just muddle along most days.
I learned a long time ago that if I needed to I could look at a holiday as just another day of the week that most people have off work.
For DH and I we have developed a new tradition for Thanksgiving. Both of our sons are about three hours away, none of my grandchildren will correspond with us due to issues with their father's. SO... we have sort of adopted a new family, the 12 Step family.
Tomorrow we will be going to the club here in town where meetings are held on a daily basis. We help with the meal for those in recovery that don't have family's to be with or aren't welcome there. We have done this for the past three years and we always seem to get more out of it than we give.
Will someone please pray for me that this smoked ham I'm baking will turn out tender and not like shoe leather? Thanks.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
This brought to mind a holiday I spent alone. Had a very sick dog that I could not leave and did not want to take him anywhere, AexH was MIA. I felt like it was going to be a dreary experience. I ended up making a full holiday dinner for myself and the dog, watching movies, and the snow thru the window wrapped in a blanket with my best canine friend. I lost him shortly after that, and am so grateful that I got up and made it a holiday even if it was just for me.
Whatever you end up doing, Treat yourself like you would the most honored guest
Options remind yourself of them all the time. I've certainly been there and done that in the being around people who were drunk. I stopped going then I still resented the A for going.
Then I started focusing on making it my time and enjoying the preparations, I still felt resentful of him. Now I work on not feeling resentful and part of it is giving up wanting anyone to "do" anything for me. I do it for me. I take care of me. I stopped waiting and hoping and obessing someone else will do it.
As I head into the holidays with my active AH and a house FULL of "untreated" Al-Anons, my mantras are turning out to be "Take It Easy", "First Things First" and "Keep It Simple" - along with DETACH DETACH DETACH!!!!
Added in to that plan, I will probably be spending some time with my literature and on this board and in the chat room until I can escape long enough to go to a f2f meeting.
I'm cooking for the family this year, so I plan to have fun with it by enlisting help in the kitchen from my autistic brother (who is doing absolutely FANTASTIC, btw) and my 8 year old son. Should be an adventure....
Best wishes to all - have a safe and HAPPY holiday!
Repeat a thousand times if thats what it takes I am not responsible for his behavior and carry on . enjoy the day eat lots and laugh . If you are going out for dinner to family , take two cars when your ready to leave , do so. he /she will get home somehow . Don't waste your day trying to see how much thier drinking , your probably only seeing half of it anyway , if someone should ask whats the matter with him anyway ? simply say I don't know u will have to ask him . and walk away . Happy turkey day . enjoy !!!!!!
