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Somebody is listening out there. Considering I had never been on a real date until a couple weeks ago, when I said I was ready *PooF* Oppurtunities are falling out of the sky. I have fear, don't get me wrong this is kind of fun, just bringing up new issues to work out in my head and with my HP and in this recovery process.
If anyone has any ESH on .... my fear, dread of being around someone drinking although I know there are millions of people who have a glass of wine with dinner and it does not create chaos ... my flip flopping concern of trusting my instincts yet knowing my boundaries at this point are pretty tight ones, is it fair to put a person in a posistion they are almost guaranteed to touch on a tripwire? Where is that happy medium?
My HP is rather hunorous, this song just came on ....
Lyrics to Wise Up : Aimee Mann
It's not What you thought When you first began it You got What you want Now you can hardly stand it though, By now you know It's not going to stop It's not going to stop It's not going to stop 'Til you wise up
You're sure There's a cure And you have finally found it You think One drink Will shrink you 'til you're underground And living down But it's not going to stop It's not going to stop It's not going to stop 'Til you wise up
Prepare a list of what you need Before you sign away the deed 'Cause it's not going to stop It's not going to stop It's not going to stop 'Til you wise up No, it's not going to stop 'Til you wise up No, it's not going to stop So just...give up
omg jen! I just downloaded the lyrics to that! I also just bought the vhs of the movie it is in,"Magnolia."
what a trip eh???
I love that movie. Frogs fall from the sky.
um to be honest, I don't want to be with anyone who wants to drink alcohol. Not saying if I met another JW man and he drank a beer etc. I would not date him. Just would rather be with a non drinking person.
We know it is ok to drink but not to excess.
The the thing is Jen, when ya date someone you don't know or your friends don't know, you could start having feelings then realize he is not a person who should drink. broken heart again. It is a watch what they do,not what they say.
I know the best way to get over a fear is to face it. I hate heights, but I want to base line jump or parachute. I really want to go to one of those tall buildings that you jump off of. My body trembles if I am up high, hate bridges.
So I would say trust yourself. Give yourself credit for being aware of the truth.
Also date to make friends. If you are long time friends first, then you will find the truth before you dive in.
The world has changed so much about intimacy. I would never share my body until I was married. If we get intimate too fast, it gets in the way of building a foundation for our relationship.
I am so happy your ready to start having a social life again.
"Where is the happy medium"
That is a question only you can answer, and that answer could change over the coming months and years. For me, I just couldn't trust my ability to see the difference between a drinker and a drunk. I know I like having a drink now and then with dinner. I know my limits and know I drink responsible. It may only be three or four drinks a year, and NEVER if I am driving. I could ask myself, "how could anyone know that about me on a first or second date?" How can you know that about someone else. We keep our secrets very close, especially when we are trying to impress someone.
I like debilyn's comment about "date to make friends". I didn't do that, and jumped into the first relationship that was offered to me. On our first date I told him I was going to see other people, and I hoped he would do the same. WE DIDN"T. It was a mistake. Looking back, I see I really only had about 3 first dates in my life. I jumped in way to fast.
SOOOOOOOO take it slow, have fun, and set your limits where they are comfortable. If you can't be around someone who is drinking, then DON"T. If later in the dating process you feel a little more comfortable with it, then fine. Don't look at going to a movie or dinner with someone as a date, but as a social event to have fun. Don't limit yourself to the first guy that comes along. You wont be able to find "Mr. Right", without going through some "MR WRONGS". In fact, the more Mr Wrongs you meet, the more Mr. Right will stand out from the rest.
You know, when I met my AH, he was a perfectly reasonable social drinker. Could have one or two glasses of wine with dinner, and put the other half bottle away for another day. The only sign I can think of wasn't a drinking sign at all, it was a behaviour sign, an "ism" sign....came after he had moved halfway across the country for us to live together - and I don't remember the specifics, but I remember saying to him something like, "What IS this anyway???? You haven't had a successful weekend until you make me cry???" -- you know, trying to understand, trying to work it out because the good times were great, and the bad times..... sigh. I'm going to say, the bad times weren't so bad, but if they made me cry I guess they WERE so bad, weren't they. Crumbs. Talk about "isms" - clearly *I* was full of them myself.
There was another sign..... I told him on our second date that his smoking was a problem. I even knew enough, in spite of not knowing a thing about alanon, to know that he needed to quit for himself, if at all. Well, he did quit - except he didn't. When I moved away, he took it up again, but acted to me in letters like he wasn't. When I visited, it was from his mother that I learned he WAS smoking. I was so angry..... about the smoking certainly, but mostly about the lying.
But then when we moved in together he DID quit. He quit for 4 ½ years. Then he started again, soon after we were married. He says he doesn't know why. I told him my theory is that he was saying to himself, whew, we're married, she can't leave me now.... but he says that's wrong. Although he can't tell me what he WAS thinking.
So in any case, I'm thinking that the way to be healthy in this dating thing is to be very much focused on yourself - be very conscious of your alanon tools & of using them. What do YOU need? If you find you are too uncomfortable being with someone who is having a drink, then only go on non-drinking dates. "I'd like to have dinner with you, but I have to tell you I'm only going on non-drinking dates right now." If you want to spend a few dates finding out what your feelings ARE, be conscious of that, & do it. And if he finds it odd, there's nothing wrong with saying with a smile "I'm noticing that I'm feeling a little jumpy, actually - I guess I'm out of practice with dating". Or if you don't feel safe, honor that by getting out of there, then spend some time with yourself figuring out WHY you didn't feel safe - did he actually say something or use a particular tone, or was it you reacting to being at a corner table? That kind of thing. Or if it was fabulous, why was it fabulous? Was he actually kind and considerate, yet honoring your independence, or are you starved for any positive attention?
All of which of course is not to say don't have a good time - DO have a good time. Just pay attention to your feelings, and give yourself a kind of debriefing, so you get to know yourself better. It might help you to enjoy the moment too, knowing that you'll have a chance to let those feelings out, good and bad, later on.
Well I find dating pretty formidable. I think it is a scary territory for those of us who have been "burned". I've certainly been on them. I'd say take it really really slow. The other issue is to have other interests. One mistake I made was not to have enough of other things going on in my life. I now have social things I do regardless of dating. Dont' put all your eggs in one basket. The other thing I would suggest is to hold back.
I think its pretty pemissable to have issues with anyone who drinnks. After all we've been on the other end of that. I have to say I've also had relationships with people who were sober (long long ago) and they certainly had their issues too!
For me personally dating has to be an "option" rather than a must have. I have to be able to like my life regardless of where I am dating. I wouldl also add the caveat of expect to be disappointed, frustrated and more. You need a strong ego to date. I know I didn't have one that's why I "settled'.
Debilyn, I am definitely going to remember that when I say oppurtunities falling out of the sky they may really be frogs LOL And I really like the dating to make friends philosophy. In part because that is what I am missing, I have female friends aplenty, I work all day in a socializing setting with a feminine enviroment. I have always enjoyed what typically is more masculine pastimes, construction, remodeling, refinishing furniture, building things ... my Dad and Uncles have gotten older, my brother married with a new baby, same with the few male friends. I miss that male companionship more than a relationship.
Leea, it's not a date it is a social event .... thumbs up to that! And you are right my happy medium will be a growing experience, I am also sure it will change over time.
TTM, I've cried enough ... I'll watch for isms. And take my time. I do pay attention to how I am feeling, being visually impaired I have to be a bit more cautious just for the practical concerns of being able to get myself out of somewhere. I found your story about the smoking interesting, the day after I got married ... after 3 years of seemingly soberness, my ex went to a bachelor party and drank. Part of my confidence in even thinking about dating comes from knowing what I would have done with the knowledge I have now back then. Big difference.
TLC, I am so happy to give you hope. I too enjoyed telling people I am not dating for a long time, in fact I did not know if I ever would want to. And I really like your therapist's words ... whether they like women who say no or not, I am a no sayer To be honest though I like men who can say no honestly and let thier preferences be known ... why would it not be the same?
Maresie, I'm not sure I have a strong ego but it is not in tatters anymore and I have no desire to let it get that way. I agree with the not dating unless I like my life, not only should that be where my attention is focused if I don't but that could lead to way too many pitfalls of wanting someone else to fill it with happiness. Right now I like my life enough that I would not willing let something spoil it. I'm going to keep that in mind.
Thanks everyone for taking the time and giving me some great topics to think on .... frogs LOL Oh yeah, I do like that song and the movie Magnolia, I still think it funny it came on the radio right then.
To be honest though I like men who can say no honestly and let thier preferences be known ... why would it not be the same?