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OK so, living with active AH but needing to disentangle. Been trying hard, we are cordial but don't touch eachother for many months now. He knows I want it over. He is being too nice but everyday he goes through my stuff. I think he's looking for money. He's broke. He has beewn pawning stuff. Sleeps all day. Takes the dog for walks late at night. Anyway, I just told him that I don't want him to come with me and the kids to see my family this Thanksgiving. Told him I wanted to go without him. He said he understood. I am scared, it's about 600 miles. Have never gone anywhere like that on my own. Scared of driving on freeways by myself in the city. But I just don't see how we can go together. I am worried about him being home alone, sad, lonely, depressed, on thanksgiving. Maybe I shouldn't go....but it's important. I don't know.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I wouldn't worry about you driving 600 miles. You're a strong woman, you can handle it. Of that I have no doubt. If you really want to go, then go. A trip like that can be very liberating. I use to love to travel alone. It was scary, fun, challenging, exhausting and all that good stuff that reminds you how alive you really are. It use to reconnect me with my free spirit side.
AH is gonna do what he's gonna do, regardless if you're home or not. There's nothing you can do about it. Turn him over to his HP. This is where detachment comes in very handy. Whatever decision you make, make sure you make it because it's what you really want to do. Don't make the decision based on what you think he might or might not do. That's how we make ourselves crazy. Trust me I use to do that all the time. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 09:07, 2008-11-25
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Charge up the cell phone, Rainy, and make sure the family knows what time you are leaving. Then set out for an enjoyable drive and visit. You can do it. No guilt...OK? Have a good time.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I used to feel guilty about my oldest AD not being invited to family holiday gatherings. Then she was invited to Thanksgiving a few years ago.
We always gather at an all you can eat buffet at a central gathering point and then see a movie. It's convenient for everyone because we live in different towns.
She was dressed like a freak, loud, obnoxious, and everyone in the restaurant was looking at her.
I remembered quickly why she usually wasn't invited.
The alcoholic has consequences for his/her drinking/behavior/attitudes, and it is not my guilt to pick up when they suffer those consequences.
I don't feel the least bit guilty that my oldest AD will not be at the Thanksgiving festivities this year.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I dunno personally I'd be worried about coming home to an entirely emptyhouse. A's sometimes thing what's yours is "ours". Mine certainly did. He took that across the board. Speaking as someone who lost everything I'd do a lot to secure your stuff. Put any valuables in storage, hide your credit cards and their statements. The A who I was with once ordered up Showtime for Christmas. He had absolutely no problem using every resource I had, sharing hsi was another matter.
So much of recovery is about dealing with our fears first. Getting thru the fear I arrived at faith that no matter what story my brain was coming up with it was all based on false evidence and appeared always real. Actually it rarely came out the way I feared it would and so I had to learn how to live with and inspite of being fearful at times and accept without reservations that no matter what happens I will be okay...Not all of live is wrong and I can be wrong about many things.
Since I never always got it right always I had to be okay with whatever happened. In this I had to learn how to accept consequences the good, the bad and the ugly. I couldn't wait to be perfect and always have life the way I wanted it. Sometimes the consequences were not acceptable and I was still okay. Sometimes the consequences were acceptable and I was still okay. Sometimes the consequences were way beyond my expectations and guess what? I was still okay. The program has taught me to stay in acceptance of (whatever) and that I didn't have to react (at all) negatively (ever). I can choose my feelings about anything. I can live in the "gray" areas of life also. The consequences to these and other program lessons was freedom from fear and freedom to grow beyond any limits fear had put on me up until that time.
It looks sad that you would be traveling 600 miles and still be back home at the same time. That can't be a whole lot of fun unless you decide to have fun regardless. "Happiness is an inside job". I'm not perfect so I use to take those away from home trips and still be worried what my alcoholic was getting into while I was gone. It's progress not perfection. I wasn't always "imagining" her while away. There were times I was having fun. Worrying about someone I love is normal I don't want to reach abnormal. I reached normal and acceptance about the same time. I stopped worrying about worrying (at times) and did the same about my alcoholic (at times). We might suffer from enabling and we are loving people.
If you take him have fun. If you don't take him have fun. If you are uncertain about driving 600 miles (1 mile 600 times; you don't have to relearn how to drive the car) be uncertain and have fun. Do some stops and celebrate with gratitude that you have come "this" far and look around at all the stuff your HP has put above you, around you and under you and then continue your journey. I did that once with my step sister as a passenger and had so much fun I got lost and the family had to call out the CA Highway Patrol to try to find me. They never did. We got to where we were supposed to and we had FUN!!. It's okay. You're okay and will continue to be so and then you will arrive back home hopefully different. Happy Thanksgiving.
That's good, thanks. Sometimes I check to make sure my jewelery is all there. In the past he has sold my CDs. The loss wasn't as bad as the idea. First of all, what is going on that you have to sell off stuff? I've never had to hawk anything. Second, why does he have to hawk my CDs? His outnumber mine 30 to 1. I am sad because I found out he got into his father's coin collection. I had it tucked away for safe keeping but not locked. Anyway, he found it and has been selling off the coins. It makes me sad because it was special to him and he was going to leave it to our kids. He has been dismayed by his brother who sold off some of the coins in the past, now he's doing it. It reinforces me though, if I was swayed by his "good behavior" this reminds me of what's really going on. I guess take it with a grain of salt. So the plan is officially I'm gonna take the kids to my famliy's for the holidays, he'll stay home. CHarge the phone, lock up my valubles, anything else? Oh yeah and have fun ;) can't forget that at home (((((((((((((((((((((((((love))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Jamie
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 18:06, 2008-11-25
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I had to face big city driving too. Too encourage you, take your time. Stay in the right lane so if you need to pull over, do. If you need to take a breath do.
Be very careful but I can tell you from experience when I drove that many miles to see my son, I stopped when I needed to and wanted to. Took my time. It made the drive so much nicer.
Also I do not eat any junk. Or drink any junk. It makes ya feel better. Screwed up and went off the freeway on an offramp. oops. so I found a gas station and asked how to get back on. Be careful who you talk to, but you will find most people like to help other people.
Keep doors locked, always have an extra key in your pocket, money in your pocket, phone in your pocket. lol
I always make sure if anything happens, bring a couple gallons of water, some canned food, blankets, pillow etc. Like as if you got stuck in the car awhile.
Found to prepare made the whole thing fun.
I hope you go and don't allow the AH's disease hold you down. He needs to be miserable. I know we hate that, but they do.
Your kids need family and the family needs to know them. Kids of A's can be so isolated and not close to other family. Kids need that feeling someone else loves them besides us.
I encourage you to go. If you have a cell phone I would be happy to give you my number and you can call me if you need to! The first time I did what you are doing, I drove to Sacramento Cal. for a "pignic" lol. Had my jeep and a huge Newfoundland along. I had a pig person from our list who I called and she called me. Made a world of difference.
I made it! Saw palm trees, knudsen farms where they make yummy juice. Saw olive trees, all that.
