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A quick recap. I posted months ago that I thought my H was an alcoholic. He left me and the kids in February for another woman etc.
Anyway late last week he told me that he can finally admit that he is an alcoholic. did I know how much he was drinking? He claims he has been to a few AA meetings and at those meetings they told him that he was not drinking enough to be there???? He was up to a case + a night. He feels that a couple of meetings are all he needs, and he now only has "a few a week".
If you are attending AA and are serious about getting sober are you not supposed to abstain from alcohol for the rest of your life?
Of coure he turned on me and said that I should have been harder on him about the drinking, I shold have tried talking to him about his problem when he was sober, to which I reminded him that I did several times tell him I felt the drinking was out of control I was worried about it and did not feel comfortable leaving him with the children, to which he replied "I dont think my drinking has anything to do with any of this"
One night he had a few in him and I told him that he had a problem and needed help, that I would help him get that help, and he told me to and never tell him how to live his life again"
When I reminded him of this he said "that was the alcohol talking not me, I would never be mean to you"
Now he says I was the one in denial all these years??? WTH.
I admit I didn not want to call him an alcoholic, but thru my own councelling and attending Al Anon I KNOW that is exactly what he is. I have a concern that for as many years as he drank and for the amout he drank he can become sober after "a couple" of AA meetings???
I knew he had a problem the day my dad found 10 green garbage bags full of empties in the back yard, by then H had already moved out.
One early thing I learned in program was that I could never have a sane conversation with an insane person. I also learned that alcoholics don't shoulder responsibilities for their actions and love to find the set of shoulders that have habitually carried the problem for them...make yours unavailable to him. If you are in the habit of sticking around while he and others try to make you responsible...change that you can leave and/or your phone has an off button. I learned how to hang up until I was asked not to and still I would say, "If you try to use me as a whipping boy you're going to be talking to a disconnect signal." Practice, Practice, Practice.
Alcoholics who drink while attending meetings (no matter how much) are still practicing alcoholics. All of the members of the AA program I hang with are truthful that a basic part of sobriety and working a program is "don't take the first one or anyone thereafter." Your alcoholic isn't in recovery. Hang up. If he starts talking thru is denial or justifications or rationalizations...hang up. Believe me he could never pull of this stunt with a recovering alcoholic for a second and we don't put up with it...you don't have to either. Let him know that you are not without support or without recovering people all around you...then hang up again. He needs to do what he thinks works for him and he needs to "blow smoke" for as long as he thinks it might work until he is tired of it or not. When it is time for him to understand that the two basics of reaching and opening the door of sobiety is willingness and honesty and that humility keeps us coming back for more he might then be ready. When stops trying to convince himself and you that you are responsible the only one left and necessary will be him. I hope he makes it...everyone loves miracles!!
Some people focus on how much a person drinks in order to arrive at the picture of the alcoholic. That might be only one way. Some people focus on how often a person drinks in order to make the same judgement. For me it is also about how important the chemical is in the drinkers life that they would loose everything to accomodate it including their sanity and life and at the same time protect their drinking from scrutiny and comment even while feeling shame and guilt. Cunning Powerful and baffling.
Once again after that conversation I was like "wow what did I do to drive him to drink that much" I didn't I know it, i wish he would realize it. Ever since I have known him he drank, a 6 pack a night and well it progressed to the case +.
For his childrens sake i truly hope he does take AA seriously and I hope he can salvage the very frayed relationships he has with his children.
I wont' let him have our kids overnight, I almost caved this weekend on that one but I didn't I stuck to my guns and said NO, I didn't trust him and the drinking issue.
Funny he is now doing things such as supposedly attending AA meetings and now has a day job vs. a night job in a bar, all things I asked him to do and would have helped him do when married to me.
He had the nerve to tell me that I should give his girlfriend (whom I refer to as Skankypants) he left me for a chance, because she told him to not screw me over on finances when it came to child support, so that should make it all better in his world that they slept together, and again it was the alcohol not him.
I've been to hundreds of AA meetings. I have never heard of anyone being told they didn't need to be there. I have also heard hundreds of stories of how people ended up there. Some people's bottoms are other people's high points. That doesn't matter. No one at an AA meeting decides who is an alcoholic and who doesn't, they self identify.
I used to be totally caught up in what the ex A said. Every word was analyzed, over reacted to and distorted and I'd have endless conversations about what they meant. What they meant was he was an alcoholic in denial. That was about it. I had to give up analyzing him and wondering and hoping he'd change. i think that was one of the most painful things I did.
Giving up and turning it over is hard going. Nevertheless it opens up a whole new vista on focusing on you (you have no control over him). Take care of yourself. Turn over obsessing about him and start working on you and your needs rather than obsessing about what he may or may not do and what is a lie and what isn't.
(Doubles Mommy) I remember your posts well, if memory serves it was in April of this year. Your posts at the time really touched me. I think I replied to most of them. I did check several times to see if you had ckecked in to the site, and I was hoping that you were attending meetings.
Lots of people post here or try a couple of meetings, their problems get a little better, their A slows down on drinking, life gets better so all their problems seem to be solved. Nothing could be further from the truth. As Jerry stated it is practice, practice, practice. Make the program part of your life. Work it everyday to the best of your ability.
With that said, I am so very proud of you and the way you have worked the program. It is not always easy, but it is a hell of a lot better than the alternative, NO PROGRAM. Keep coming back and give the twins a hug from me.
He is still living with his girlfriend. (and I"m being much more polite than ususal) LOL. Yet its me he turns to when he is needs something or life gets over whelming for him.
There is an article about him in two local papers his trial started last week. its not a good day for himi both his X wife and I have let him know exactly what we think of him after reading the article, of course its sensationalized, he didnt say what is printed and on and on.
oh thats really a good one: "you weren't hard enough on him" (!!!!!!!!!). Thats one for the books, I tell ya!
Wow, they get SOOO sick. He is SOOO sick. I just had to tell you that even though my A did not say that, he said a lot of stuff just like that and I know what its like to get that feeling that no matter what, nothing is ever good enough or right enough or anything enough. Hugs, J.
"you weren't hard enough on him" - I've heard a variation on this theme myself - so you're not alone, sister! My A uses any excuse he can find to justify his behavior - "you cheated on me", "my back keeps me in constant pain", "my father died", "my mother's a cold, unforgiving person", "my sister died", "my kid moved out of the house". The list is endless and varies from day to day, sometimes hourly. Beats anything I've ever seen.
You're doing great - setting your boundaries (something I'm finally starting to learn, LOL) and sticking to them. Good for you for sticking to your guns with your kids.
I've given up trying to have any kind of sane conversation with my AH. It will get me nowhere and just causes me grief. It's not worth it to me, so I keep my end of the conversations as brief, simple and neutral as I can.
I feel for you when you talk about his frayed relationship with his kids. It's heartbreaking. We have the same thing going on at my house. It makes me very sad to see it happen, but he's going to do what he's going to do until it's no longer comfortable for him.
You've gotten some great ESH on this thread - take care of yourself and keep coming back!
and never tell him how to live his life again"
