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Hi All, Well remember last week I said I was gonna deal with my AH till he dies, well I'm not meaning to sound mean at all, but I guess there ain't gonna be such luck. I am so upset with myself right now, I don't know how to get out of it. AH has, of course, been drinking steadily worse and worse since last week. Usually he drinks about 20-36 beers per day, but now he's also drinking hard liquor. Anyway, Friday night my daughter and her new boyfriend and her two kids come over after dinner to drop something off. AH is drunk (what else is new) and we were all sitting and chatting, kids went in the other room to lay down cause they wanted to sleep over. Anyway, we're all chatting, one thing leads to another, and of course, AH has to "hallucinate" that D's new BF says something "inappropriate" (which he did not). D's like "About ready to leave hon?" so they leave (cause she could see where that was going). AH proceeds to tell me how much of a "dirtbag" her new BF is (he treats her and her kids really really good). Me and AH get into an argument, which of course, he uses to drink more and more. Now he claims "it's over". OK, who cares! Anyway, he won't move out, says he will when he gets his "settlement" (which will probably be never), yet he's not working, goes out to the bars and drinks (and guess who's footing the bill? Me, the one working full time!) I'm not really caring that he drinks all that much cause his liver is shot, but it seems never ending. D says even tho she loves me, she is not coming for the holidays, won't subject herself and her kids to that, and I can't blame her. I told her I wasn't decorating for the holidays, nothing, just act as if they don't exist this year (and I LOVE the holidays). For many years, my holidays have been ruined by his drinking, he's started many fights and literally harasses me every night. Then of course gives me presents like he loves me so much. Last year I swore to myself I would not be w/him this year and go thru another Xmas like I have been. Where am I????? Here!!! Who's fault is that???? Mine! HP gave me many outs this year. Last year, I had a family court order against him. What did I do? Dropped it on his "promise of getting help". This past year, the police had to be involved and I got an order against him. What happened? He go so sick he almost died and I, of course, came to his rescue and brought him to the hospital. Then after that he went to rehab. And then what did I do???? I allowed him back in the house. HP's telling me, hey listen Queenie, I gave you three shots, two were in the form of orders and one when you took him to the hospital. You blew them all! Now you gotta fend for yourself. AH got brought home by the cops 2 weeks ago, drinking and driving. Did he get a DWI? No, nothing but a ride home. HP was sure looking out for him. And how did he repay HP? With a thank you? No. He still drinking and driving (and trust me, his BAL is about .3 at all times) He is supposed to complete an alcohol treatment program for his court thing instead of jail time. They breathalyzed him last week. Did he fail? HP looked out for him again, nope, he passed, he timed it right. Did he thank HP? Yep, by thinking he can pull one over on this course (and trust me, he will). He expects me to be w/him and the family on thanksgiving. No one wants to be there, let alone me. Of course, I will have to be or else his drinking will become worse and there will be hell to pay. Why was I so stupid not to accept those gifts that HP gave me???? I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm trying to let things play out but I feel HP has given up on me. It's gotten so bad, that I have been praying every night that he dies, that makes me sick to my stomach that I would pray for someone's death. But I'm so tired, so tired and so stupid, and I don't have the strength to do it anymore. I truly don't. Anyone got an ESH for me. Thanks.
My experience has been that I can either go along for the ride and take whatever insanity comes along with the price of admission, or I can start making healthier choices for myself.
My HP has always been there for me; I've been the one to move away from him.
It's never to late to ask your HP for help again. That is my experience.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Been there, done that!!! Al-anon has Thanksgiving dinners somewhere. "Keep coming back, it works if you work it, and let it begin with me" I was constantly reminded after my sponsor listened so patiently with me, "where is your FOCUS honey, and what is your MOTIVE""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""ALWAYS so gentle with me. We are always a WIP - WORK IN PROGRESS, AND, HP DOES NOT MAKE JUNK. Hugs Sandi
RE: " Of course, I will have to be or else his drinking will become worse..."
Um.... sorry, I don't buy it. His drinking will become worse if he doesn't choose to recognize that he's powerless over alcohol, and at this point it sure doesn't look likely. Nothing to do with you.
What IS to do with you is - how are you going to take care of yourself and get YOURSELF some family time this holiday season? And if you like to decorate - decorate.
The nice thing about my HP is the lack of frustration when i use my free will to explore life. My HP is always there making the best of whatever I get myself into. You have not been deserted and you always have choices. I think you are being a little hard on yourself, we all are doing the best we can at any given time. I'm sorry you are really bummed today. I have been too today, even things I normally would brush off have been hitting me hard. I've even been trying to meditate to get a little peace and have not been able to find that calm spot. We will both have another minute, hour or day to get there, many days if needed
When I responded to your last post, I felt there were many similarities to our situations. After reading this post - the similarities continue.
I once would have described my decision to stay as "till death us do part" and with a hope that this was a long way off. But as the disease has progressed, I am very ashamed to say that I have prayed for it sooner. When I move beyond the situation that stimulated my negative thinking (AH "delusions", aggression etc.), I know my HP knows my heart and that my AH wouldn't be taken from this earth because I wished it so out of desperation. I truly believe that AH will be taken from this earth when his HP plans it - not related at all to my ramblings.
I believe that if I continue to work my program, and begin healing myself, I'll find serenity whether the AH is still drinking or not, and whether we are together or not.
The part of it which is to decide whether I should go or stay is not a decision I'm yet comfortable with.I'm trying to follow the program and take "baby steps" toward action. I created a separate bank account, set up a PO Box, investigated apartments, did some alternative financial plans etc. A step toward action each week or so until I gain clarity. I'm also trying to not let go of me. I did some Christmas shopping yesterday and it felt normal and wonderful. I try to eat a regular meal at night - regardless if AH is plastered or not. I go out sometimes with girlfriends. One small step at a time to who I am.
You sound like you were not ready to take advantage of the opportunities that were presented. I have found that those kind of opportunities were presented to me as well many times. I had to learn and grow in the program and gain the strength and confidence to act on them. My face2face group and this MIP group helped teach me how to care for myself and how to get through the guilt and fear that comes with changing my own behavior.
Please don't beat yourself up. You will act when the time is right for you. Baby steps are important, and they add up over time to a new way of thinking and living.
Start with something small. Can you go spend time with your D on Thanksgiving day, or even just go have dessert with her later? Maybe spend the night before Christmas wrapping presents. Try thinking outside the box. Most importantly, look for a f2f meeting. You need more support.
Keep coming back here, too.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Your HP does NOT have a "three strikes and your OUT" rule.
It seems your HP has given you some opportunities to open your eyes to possibilities. So far it seems you have seen the possibilities, but not acted on them. Maybe the next opportunity will be the right one for you. I know I had blinders on when it came to my X AH. I could only see my responsibility to the world, and that was to try to protect the world from him. If I left, or kicked him out, what would happen to everyone around him? I felt like it was my only choice. Once I figured out I wasn't protecting the world, I was just playing the same stupid game over and over, I finally took an opportunity to get out. My staying with him wasn't helping him, me, or anyone else.
Your HP is still there for you. Keep educating yourself on this desease. Keep an eye on your own needs and mental health.
Al-anon is still here for you. It doesn't have a "three strikes and your out" rule either.
