i'm so sad - Al-Anon Family Group

soconfused · Veteran Member

i'm so sad

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Soconfused!!

I feel sad with you. Your words and expressions are very similar to the ones
I had when I arrived at the doors of the family groups. I also felt doom and
gloom and that the end of the world was near until I heard the very first
promise from this program. It is in the ending of the meeting paragraph
read at all face to face meetings. In part it reads..."If you keep an open mind
you will find help. You will learn that there is no situation that cannot be
bettered or unhappiness to great to be lessened." The program was and
still is right. Come join us.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Boy, have I felt the way you felt. I recall it was November, I am pretty sure around 4 years ago now, I think. I remember hearing those words on the telephone with my then husband, the man I promised to stay with until death do us part. I can recall being physically "struck down" by his words. It was a real turning point for me.

Please keep coming back here and reading and sharing. You are not alone. We are all here 24/7 and so is HP. My very best thoughts are with you, this too shall pass- hugs, J.

LEEA · Veteran Member

"after all I have done"

Boy does that ring a bell. I felt EXACTLY the same way. The truth is, what I had done was just put up with his life style, and adabt mine to his. I tried to do everything right, but he still was able to make everything my fault. It was his way of giving himself an excuse to be an a*s to me. Then he left me "because I can't take the nagging anymore".
I was a nag. I was treating him like a child, because that is the way I felt about him. I couldn't depend on him for anything. I would ask for help, or inform him of a commitment, and he would "forget". When we did do anything together, it turned out to be so embarrassing, I stopped wanting to do anything with him. My world revolved around trying to get him to not drink and be responsible, his world revolved around events and friends that was all about drinking.
I was putting so much into trying to control him, I lost control of myself. I was lost when he left. What was I suppose to do now?
I was so afraid of doing something stupid, I just started cleaning......... I went through every cabnet, drawer, closet and pile of paper. I took everything that was his, or reminded me of him and boxed it up. (I was cleaning as I went, so my house had never been so clean).
Once the house was clean, and I felt like it was mine, all mine, I started feeling better. I also noticed all the things I had bought for him, made for him, or fixed for him. It didn't take long to notice, that there were few things he had gotten for me. It kind of symbolized our relationship, me doing everything, him doing nothing.
Of course he started to call after he figured out life without any control was killing him. Even his drinking buddies were getting sick of his behavior. It's pretty bad when other drunks cant stand to be around you.
I told him to stop. I told him to start working on becoming the man I DESERVE, then give me a call. I told him I was going on with my life, and wasn't sure if even if he did the work he needed to do, I'd still be there. I told him no matter what, he needed to make changes if he wanted me, or any other woman worth having in his life.
I have a clean house, a better outlook on my life, and am starting to feel some control. I take a hot bath every night, and have complete control of the TV remote control.
I don't NEED him and I hope I get in a position where I dont NEED any man. I want to get myself to a place were I can have a man in my life because I WANT it. If I never have another relationship, thats OK. I have friends and can make some more. I assume someday I will meet someone, but I have to make sure I have taken control of my "controlling behavior" before I can have a healthy relationship. I guess the first place I need to start is figuring out what a "health relationship" is.

Mariner · Senior Member

((((Soconfused))))

Just some hugs for you, I know how painful rejection is, I really feel for you.
Your not a loser your a wonderful kind and caring person. Give yourself some of that kindness.

Take care YOU are Worth it

With love hugs and Gratitude Carol

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((soconfused)))))

Honor your feelings. We have been where you are. In the Getting Them Sober books they say how can we be rejected by a rejected. He is the disease and the disease is not really rejecting you personally but doing anything it can to survive. You can survive. You can be alone. Take care of yourself and your kids. And as they say in Alanon, take it one day at a time. Things will get better and they will definitely look better tomorrow.

In support,

Nancy

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

You are hurt and feel broken, but you are not alone. Many of us know how you feel. We have been there too. Keep coming back here and find a face2face meeting if you can. You are worth the effort to get yourself better. There are wonderful people in this program who will love you just the way you are, until you can learn to love yourself. You are a beautiful, loving person. It will get better. Try to have faith in the help you will find here.

In recovery,

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.