Short intro and question about detaching...thank you in advance for your support - Al-Anon Family Group

amy · Member

Short intro and question about detaching...thank you in advance for your support

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Amy,

Welcome, I'm glad you're here. I found detaching very hard to do when I was interested in my AexH's past, I listened to his life story. At times I tried to offer sympathy, suggestions, comfort. In my situation it was never enough. It left me feeling inadequate to not be able to help him heal old wounds. At some point I noticed that I had somehow managed heal my own old wounds by seeking out th proper channels of help. That helped me to detach, it was easier to say I want to understand but i am not qualified to help you through this. Unfortunately he has not been able to find his way to that help yet. Maybe someday.

You sound like you are taking care of yourself, that is great! Keep that up and keep coming back. You'll find this to be a wonderful place.

Jen

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Amy!!

Detachment for me was learning exactly what you are doing and then
practicing it. I listened and then stayed myself. Listening to her and
then wanting to "fill her up" let me know what part I was working that
could never work. I could never "fill her up". I didn't know how and
it wasn't my job. Being supportive I learned wasn't about carrying
my alcoholic spouse and her problems around on my shoulders or
sitting on her shoulders demanding she change to fit my unfounded
expectations or will. It mean't listening, showing empathy (feeling with
rather than feeling for) and going on with my life. I learned how to
allow her the dignity of her own choices without comment or judgement
and to admit I wasn't the paragon of perfection for anyone including
myself. I put my arms around her and realize two things. I wasn't
taking captives and that my arms could open and let her free. I
had a life to take back and be responsible for myself.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

amy · Member

Thank you for your comments...they are helpful. For me, part of my detaching is withstaining from intimacy(if you call it that, I don't) We have not every had true intimacy. Sex was the way he tried to fill himself up. For us to stay together, I need him to get happiness from within himself, not me anymore. I don't want to be used. We talked last night and he said basically he was jealous of the kids, of anything I did to take the attention off him. I came back from a good friends funeral and I was punished by him, he did not talk to me, he was short if he did. The time I needed him to be there for me, he wasn't....that is what happened over and over.
But I am reading the first step, to let go. I do not blame him, it's frustrating though, but I was the one who chose him, if it wasn't him...it would have been someone else. I have to work on me also....ALOT. It sound like a lot of people here stay with their AH or bad relationship. If mine does not get better within the next 6 months to year, I will have to move out or vise versa. The kids have been more neglected in watching all the dynamics here. it is not healthy and I don't want another generation to repeat it!

lory · Member

Hi I have not posted in a while Detaching for me is hard to do and I am trying to read your posts I need insights from all of you I need to learn more about this wonderful program. thanks all of u outhere you inspire me to become a better person. thank u all

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Amy,
Society makes it sound easy to just leave if you are in a bad situation. It is not that simple. I had to recover enough to have the strength and understanding that I was worth the effort before I could build healthy boundaries. I had to learn how to fill myself up, too, not just quit trying to help him fill himself up.

6 months to a year sounds like a good healthy goal, though. Boundaries can be flexible. They can also change as we learn and grow. One of my first boundaries was that I required progress. I needed to see myself and our relationship moving forward. I often had to remind myself that I told him progress, not perfection, though.LOL

My AH was a passive aggressive punisher, too. He would stomp around, pout, run away, and do nasty little things that he knew would hurt my feelings. I learned how to detach from it and get honest. I don't have to let those things hurt me. I can see that stuff as his sickness and have faith that he has a HP and a recovery path too.

I think what helped me the most in learning to detach was to learn about the disease. The more I learned about alcoholism as a disease, the more I realised that all the hurtful manipulative behavior was just a symptom of his sickness. My hurtful and manipulative behavior( *gasp* yes there was a lot of that too) was a symptom of my part of this disease. I had to really look at my victim role and how I used it to try to manipulate. We cannot detach while we are trying to manipulate a person or situation. So look back at step one and read all you can about it.

Detaching is about NOT taking it personal, feeling empathy without being swallowed up by someone elses problem, and keeping my main focus on taking care of me first. Al-Anon also has a really good pamphlet on detachment. It has been very helpful.

Hope this helps.

In recovery,

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Before thinking 6 months to a year a head of time try living just in the moment
that way you can detach from projecting into the future and setting yourself up. "Just for Today" is much more than a slogan to members of the Family Group who practice the program. It is a philosophy to be lived. We just have
one day and that is the one we have now. The yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.

(((((Hugs))))) smile

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Practice helps. I was just doing to my therapist last night that it is a sure sign when you get boundaries that others will react to them. My roommates call me "selfish". I am so happy! I have been a people pleaser all my life. I am sure no one around likes boundaries when you have been totally boundary less. Who would expect otherwise.

A good thing to keep in mind is the karpman's triangle (look it up on the web) then also look at every resource you can on detaching. A good site to look up is www.coping.org. There are numerous books on detaching in codependence. Nevertheless I think al anon has some wonderful tools one is to be very busy, very very busy. Then you don't have that much time to focus on them. Another is to be vague. You are not there to fix him. One of the people on this site Marie Rua has a wonderful acronym, don't fix, direct or control! What a great way of checking back in with yourself.

I am glad you are taking care of you. It is hard work!

Keep at it.

Practice helps. The more you practice the better.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.