how do i let go? - Al-Anon Family Group

roxanne · Newbie

how do i let go?

soconfused · Veteran Member

I am having a hard time as well. But one thing I am trying to learn is to take care of myself first!
It sounds as if he may have hurt you more than you want to accept right now. I feel that way too. I think I'm afraid of being alone...being w/out him, as much as I wanted him gone I want him just as near. I just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel.
I haven't talked w/ mine since Wed. He normally calls begging for forgiveness by now- but he isn't. And here I sit consumed by the thought of him not wanting me! Crazy isn't it? How this disease hurts us and makes us feel so weak...vulnerable.
Keep coming on- there is a lot of love and support here. I'm learning that everyday.

hopeful123 · Veteran Member

I have a read a bunch of posts and it sounds like we are all in the same boat this weekend. Maybe it is the holidays???

Being alone and breaking up is hard. I do think it's worse when this disease is involved bc then you are even dealing with a level-headed person. It's almost like breaking up with two people...the one you love, and the one you hate! And the one you hate suddenly doesn't seem so terrible once that loneliness kicks in, does he? It's infuriating!

I wish there was some sort of weekend where we (all al-anoners) could gather and commiserate and learn and grow from each other. I could use one right about now, especially with the holidays coming up. It's just torture being in the "real world" where I am supposed to function like everyone else. I like being on this site and at my f2f meetings bc I feel like I can be real--and everyone understands.

Thank GOD for this site and for the meetings. I don't know where I or most of us would be without this support.

Hang in there...we are all with you.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Roxanne)))

A year ago, I could have written your post, word for word. In addition, I would have added that I knew my AH since I was 18, married for 17 years, had three kids with him, and was fully emeshed in every aspect of life including owning a home, business and lots of debt associated with it. Gory details included a 10+ drug addiction, in addition to the aism that I knew nothing about, and a married A g/f who was a trusted employee and hung in the same social group.

Now, even though the divorce isn't final, I can say that I am letting go. Notice, I say "letting", but that is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was. How am I getting there? I go to meetings, to counseling, to church, read Al-anon literature, hang onto this message board, found a sponsor, and wake up every single day deciding to to the "right" thing whether I really want to or not. It was not easy or simple or clear-cut, but it happens just like the testimonies of so many.

What I finally realized was that I wasn't grieving "him", for he made me miserable. What I was grieving was the life I wanted and thought I had, what should be, the life my children deserved, the man he once was, and who I wanted him to be. When I release my pride and don't think of the details, I can acknowledge that I am more peaceful and happy internally that I ever was with him. I am the only one who is going to take care of me and my children. This means putting my youngest in full-time daycare and taking a job that was less than my "dream job', but one that would support my family. It also means keeping my emotions and reactions in check and framing all my interactions with him according to what has worked for so many others - detach, detach, detach.

My soon to be ex is sober, and it did not make him the man I hoped and prayed would appear. It is his spirit that is suffering and honestly, I don't see him getting healthy anytime soon, but the miracle is up to his HP, not me. He is still very sick, just without the drugs or alcohol.

Roxanne, I hope you can regularly get to f2f meetings and keep coming back here. Miracles are promised. They happen all the time and I am determined to be one of them. You can be too. Keep posting, keep crying. Things will get better. You are not alone.

Blessings,
Lou

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Roxanne)

My, what wisdom here. We all struggle for what was and what we hoped it would be. They tell us to fake it until we make it. My AHsober left and wants a divorce. He has the life without the divorce. I make sure that I make moves to take care of myself (even tho I wish it would all work out). In the Getting Them Sober books it tells us to make a decision just for today. Get to face to face meetings, read the literature, and take care of yourself. It will start to become clearer. We don't want to be alone but life with an A can be very lonely.

In support,
Nancy

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi ((Roxanne))

My story is very similar, knew him since 13. Felt that zing and sparkle way back then, lived together and married for a total of 15 years. It has been 3 years since I filed for divorce, letting go of the dreams I had for us was harder at that point than letting go of him. Home was a pitstop to recover and get ready for the next round by then. How i did it ... coming here, going to meetings, keeping busy, doing the next right thing, sometimes just lifting my foot and takng the next step. The best thing I did was take care of myself, I made it a priority ... finding one thing to be grateful for every single day, even if it was as small as seeing a cloud that looked like something, feeling the sun on my face for a moment, having a monster dog that likes to literally knock me off my chair when I am too sad (he's huge and he has done it many times) that one I will always be amazed at ... how he knows and why eh thinks me landing on my butt will make me laugh .. funny thing is it works every single time LOL

It gets better, it really does.

Jen

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Well sometimes hope is a malginant thing. There is that 'hope' that you can get back together and go back to a time when it wasn't so bad. The issue is that "hope" isn't realistic. I know for me personally my dependence on the ex A was born out of not being able to be in reality.

We "let go" one day at a time, one minute at a time. We let go sometimes by acting as if. One huge huge thing for me was to "let go" of knowing about the A. I practiced that so much. I practiced not knowing where he is, what he is doing, what he is saying, what his mood is, whatever. I practiced not knowing what I used to crave. Even when I did know where he was I made a huge point of not asking. Eventually I got to the point where it stopped gnawing at me.

For me it is one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time. I also started to look at me. What was it about me that was attracted to someone so patently self destructive. I focused in on me rather than focusing on him and seeing him as the answer to a lot of my issues. I also started to focus on a lot of my behaviors. There is a lot of murky stuff there.

I know the holidays are a hard slog. I hope you'll lean on us. Get those feelings out, the anger, the grief, let them out then letting go is a little easier. Sometimes we have to let them out for quite a while.

Detaching is also a skill worth learning. You can learn that at www.coping. org.

Value yourself, cherish yourself, practice it. Keep on practising it. Nothing comes overnight.

New behavior takes months of practice.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.