The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has been to 6 or so AA meetings. The first time for him. After the meeting, he drinks in the car before coming home. From what I can get from him, the 12 steips aren't discussed at the meetings he's been to. I'm extremely disappointed. I know he's going to the meetings, he picks up a neighbor, but after he drops him off, he drinks. I'm now becoming afraid whenever he goes to AA. I feel hopeless.
One of the first things I learned in Al-Anon was that I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I couldn't cure it.
I also learned that, as hard as it is to do, that I had to detach from his disease (with as much love as I could muster) and let his HP deal with him. Easier said than done, I know!!
If he isn't hearing what he needs in the meetings, he can do to a different meeting. That is up to him. He may be hearing exactly what he needs to hear, but he just isn't ready yet. That is up to him.
Keep the focus on you and on your own recovery--what have you done for your own self-care today?? Have you thought about some boundaries (not demands or manipulations) that you could set that would ease your fears?
I strongly encourage you to find a face2face Al-Anon meeting. You will find incredible love and support there!! Keep coming back!!
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I know this is very hard. There is nothing that you can do about it. Going to the meetings is good even if he is still drinking.
There is a reading from my AH's NA daily reflection that talks about the language of empathy. It talks about how a new A feels when they first get to the meetings and how the unspoken language of empathy affects them. Learning to feel comfortable at the meetings is a very gradual process and it is all a part of his recovery.
The best thing we can do is to focus on us. AA is not instant. When a person really wants it, it works miracles, but they have to get to the point of wanting it. I see that your AH is still struggling with the first step, as are you. Are you going to meetings? Do you have enough Al-Anon literature? What can you do to get your focus back on yourself? A's are gonna do what A's are gonna do. What are you gonna do for yourself?
One suggestion would be to get into the chat room or call an Al-Anon friend when you know he is on his way home. Share how you feel at that time and reach out for support from people who know how you feel.
Also, in my experience, most A's who go to the meetings when they are still drinking, will lie about what they have heard, or at the least, will really not understand what they are hearing yet. Try to have faith in the recovery process and focus on yourself.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I've been to 2 Al-Anon meetings, none of the people who shared were in crisis as I am, they talked about after many years of going to meetings, they are at a good place. That it will take me many years to feel better deters me from going back.
I'm relatively new to Al Anon, and want to encourage you to keep going to face to face meetings. I too felt a little intimidated by how "together" all my fellow alanoners were, also by how long they were in the program. Although I know I've got a long way to go, I did feel some relief from the crisis within a few weeks of attending every week. Just to have a safe place to share, not feel totally insane and embarrased about what was going on, and receiving unconditional support made me feel a little better.
My AH also drinks while attending meetings - sometimes even before he goes to the meeting! I've learned this is out of my control.
Wittsend, when I began attending AlAnon meetings, I felt the same as you do. All of those people had it together, and I was ready to tear my hair out...or his...LOL! Then one evening a woman showed up for her first meeting. She sat gently crying throughout the whole meeting, obviously devastated. That's when I knew. Whether we are serene, happy, accepting, or going crazy, we are all there for the same reason. We are all welcome, and we will all be fine.
You too.
Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
A general suggestion often heard at meetings and such is to try at least 6 meetings before you decide if Al-Anon is for you.
I'm sorry that you feel discouraged by your experience so far, but maybe if you share that with the members of your meeting, or just one or 2 members you may find that they really do understand.
My AH went to AA meetings drinking and high on drugs every week for a year and a half before he finally hit his low point and got sober. We have been separated since Aug 07 and I let him move back onto the property in May or June of this year. He still stays in our unheated very old travel trailer at this time, but we are working toward him moving back in by Christmas.
Everybody has a different story, but it is not the differences that are important. Its the similarities that matter, the pain, the chaos, the disease that has turned our lives upside down.
I have been in Al-Anon for 2 1/2 years. I can honestly say that although there were times when I was truely miserable, I would not give up my program and home group for anything. They and this MIP group have seen me through the worst times of my life. And they will for you too, if you let them.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Aloha Witsend!! So what you are going thru is normal to the disease for both you and he. Neither of you know much about the program and how they are both recognized as the most successful spiritual, social model, recovery on the face of the earth and that includes most countries on the planet. Many of us can empathize closely with your early experiences. I do! I didn't want to be anywhere near Al-Anon or AA when I first was directed to attend by my wife's AA sponsor. I came...felt mostly tense, agitated, angry, self righteous and insane and then left. After awhile I supported my alcoholic wife's desire not to attend any more AA meetings or identify herself as alcoholic and she went "back out" (continued to drink again) and I got deeper into the insanity. The next time I came back in I took the suggestion to do as many meetings as I could over the next 90 days before deciding if Al-Anon was for me (thank God the suggestion was 90 and not 6. It's taken a long time for me to get enough that I can regain sanity and start to remanage my own life.) They told me that after 90 days if I decided that the program wasn't for me I could get a refund on my miseries and go look in other places. Ughhh!
It's too early for you or your husband. Easy does it. One day at a time. Take baby steps. Sit down and listen with an OPEN mind before deciding if this is for you and always ask others for their perceptions and feedback on what it is that you are struggling with.
You will find the love and support in the meetings that you have witnessed here.
Welcome to the MIP family. I'm sorry you weren't comfortable at the Alanon meetings. Trust me, these people keep attending their Alanon meetings so they can focus on their recoveries, not their As. Yes, they may have had more recovery time then some. But at some point they were exactly where you are right now. Keep going back those face to face meetings are important.
I'm sorry hubby drank after his meetings. Mine did too. It's not uncommon for people in AA to show up at meetings after they've drank, nor to drink after meetings. The point is that, they went and you never know if 1 meeting may just spark their recovery. Just like you going back to your Alanon meetings, 1 meeting will just hit home with you.
Alanon will give you the tools to detach. Your recovery is about you and for you regardless if he choose recovery or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. Keep the focus on your recovery. Turn his recovery over to his HP and leave it at that. Keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
We have a saying, the three C's, we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and I can't change it. The A has to want it.
No amount of worrying on our behalf helps.
We have to detach. Please look at other options for yourself besides obsessing (I can do that but I work on not doing it). Obsessing drove me to a deep depression, made me paralyzed and very ill. You can do other things, focus on yourself, get very very very busy. Get into this program. Stop focusing on him, you cannot stop him from drinking. We can spend years trying to unearth the truth. The truth is they are addcits and unless they want recovery there isn't much you can do to MAKE him stop.
