The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel so numb. I'm trying so hard to not feel this pain. I'm grieving over the breakup of my family. I had a fantasy about Thanksgiving that will not happen. I invited my alcoholic parents to Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws. They refused. My mother tried to manipulate me into making the dinner at my house. It would have just been the four of us. I almost did it. It hurts that we can't all be together. I was going to give a toast to tell everyone how happy I was that we were all together. I'm going to focus on what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for my son and husband. I'm thankful for reliable transportation. I'm thankful for a place to live. I'm thankful for a good job. It's so hard. I can't feel good about those things. I only feel numb. I say them cause it sounds good I guess. My baby is the only thing that brings me joy right now.
I had to look up the seven stages of grief tonight--due to my own situation. Thought it might be interesting for you to see them.
#1 is shock and denial #2 is pain and guilt #3 is anger #4 is depression and lonliness #5 is the upward turn #6 is reconstruction #7 is acceptance and hope.
Grief is an important process, I guess. It would be good to give yourself the space to grieve over the Thanksgiving you will not have and for all the holidays that have been tainted by alcoholism.
I, too, am grieving over a holiday season I will not be having due to someone else's addiction-- although I moved straight from step #1 to #3. :)
The funny thing about fantasies is that they are just that "fantasies". Reality is so hard to deal with sometimes we go to our fanasy world and try to wait there until everything works out just the way WE planned. Guess what, WE aren't in charge of the plan. The world goes on and if we dont get on board, it leaves us behind. The Holiday Season is such a hard time to get through. We have all our hopes and dreams for this time of year, and if we have put all our hopes and dreams into someone else, it can feel like a hopless time. Please try to stay busy this year. Go to your meetings, do some charity work, help at a soup kitchen, do something good for you and maybe your community. Next year is coming, and if you put yourself in a better place now, you might be able to see a better holiday seaon for next year.
I do this often. Make pictures in my head and then conjure up ways that I can get everyone around on board - so that it best suits my fantasy. And, I will go to all costs to make it happen, including resigning my strength, better judgment and self esteem. :O( Then I get very very frustrated, sad, irritated when it doesn't all add up to what I wanted...or even if it does, it never measures up to my expectation and "storybook fantasy!"
This is yet another little something that I need to work on!
What helps is remembering all I do have. For instance, it is not likely that i'll have my aH at Christmas, but it is likely that I'll have my son and my parents and siblings, etc. For that I will be thankful. I have a friend who just had a baby, 4 months early. She won't have her baby home at Christmas. So, what I will have, is her fantasy at this time. We are surrounded by blessings...all of us.
I know that feeling of numbness. Sometimes it's not a bad thing. I have just attended my 5th funeral this year, two in the past two weeks. I thought after I lost my Tim that would be it. Apparently not. On top of that I had to take my business down by hubby's boyhood home. That was incredibly hard. I am facing my first holiday without the man I love. This isn't like him spending the day out hunting. I am not sure how I am going to react this year. For me, if being a bit numb helps me get through the next few weeks, then so be it. It's okay. It's how we grieve for relationships. It's how we heal. Be gentle with yourself.
I am planning on spending Thanksgiving like I use to before we were married. I am spending the morning helping prepare Thanksgiving for homeless shelter. I'll come back and make myself dinner (a new variation: Turkey ravioli w/sage pesto, hot pumpkin soup and pear fritters). I will crawl into bed extra early and watch football. I have to be up at 2am as I have to be in work at 4am. I am sure I will be sad. But I will also remind myself of blessed I was to have him in my life. It will be hard, but I know I must get through this so I can continue to heal. Life on life's terms, is what Tim use to say to me. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 08:47, 2008-11-23
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Recovery can be very rocky and painful at times. I went through a time that I felt either numb or violently angry for a long time. There seemed to be no pleasure or joy in the world even though there were many blessings that I could list. I just couldn't feel. This will pass. I believe the numbness is a natural response that helps protect us from being overwhelmed by our feelings. As it started to pass, I almost felt that I would like it back sometimes, the feelings became pretty intense.
Please be gentle to yourself. This is also where the phrase "you are right where you need to be" comes in. For me it means that you just can't rush recovery. Don't be hard on yourself because you think you should be better, sooner. I had to keep reminding myself to have faith in my recovery. That I would get better, but it would not be fast. It happens at the pace that is right for us, even if we don't see it.
Keep your focus on you, and be gentle with yourself.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
