The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to Al-anon. I started going at the end of last month because I found out my qualifier had started using again. I knew when I began dating him that he had a past of addiction, but I foolishly beleived he was through that and back on the straight & narrow. Silly me.
He told me at the end of last month that he had begun using again, but now that I knew he would quit. He went through withdrawls and began going to meetings. I foolishly believed him when he said he was clean. As of yesterday, I foolishly believed he was rapidly approaching 30 days sober.
Then yesterday I found out that he either never quit, or began using again. Moreover, he lied to me to buy himself the space to either detox or to kill himself. Supposedly the only thing that kept him from killing himself was the thought of me-- which is both beautiful and truly at the same time.
That's my pathetic back story. Here are my questions:
How can you learn to trust someone who has lied to you?
How do you deal with the grief of all the promises and dreams lost?
When is enough?
I am afraid. I feel lost. I feel alone. I am reeling from witnessing the truth of this relationship. I've been trying to accept that I am powerless-- but I never asked to be slapped across the face with it. I'm trying to put some faith in a higher power, but it's been an uphill battle. I'm going to meetings, but everyone there is at peace with their alcoholic parent and that seems like an entirely different relationship. It's lovely to see people who have come to terms with truly horrible things. And that gives me hope for the future, but I really want some advice from someone who has stood in my shoes.
For those of us who have reach serenity and come to terms with the insanity of addiction and swept the damage into the disposal and rebuilt our spirits and lives it has taken time. It doesn't happen over night and there is much to learn most of it about ourselves and our choices. Yes I had to learn about the disease of addiction and settle on some plausible answers to the question why and then in the end I "came to accept" that her addiction was not my choice and should not be the death of me. She drank and used...why was I dying?
One of the many things I had to learn and accept and expect is that addicts are going to drink and use period. They have a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and there is something amiss with me when I take that personal. I screwed up dating and marrying an alcoholic, addict. My thought was that "if she married me she would change or quit"... I can't remember where and when I got that self centered but I did. The alcohol and drugs relationship was stronger (always) than the personal one we had. I didn't know anything real about chemical addiction. I didn't know how cunning, powerful and baffling it was. I didn't know and I didn't know that I didn't know. I set myself up with false assumptions. "If she marrys me we will be fine." Thank God for this program and for whatever my HP used to get me in, sit me down, open my mind and ears and motivate me to listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. I don't know where the patience came from or how it grew as strong as it has. I do know that there were hundreds of Al-Anoners who mentored me by their actions. I do know that these same people supported me and offered me suggestions, "never advise" and then left it up to me to "take what I liked and leave the rest" for later or never. I learned what worked for others and then practiced it for myself cause "my" program never worked. This one has.
Suggestions? Here were the ones that were given to me that I followed thru on. 1. Get to as many meetins as you can in the next 90 days. (I got to about 112 - 115) We had a large geographical drunk area and 439 meetings a week in the tri-county area. 2. Get as much literature as you can and read it all. 3. learn the 12 steps and 12 traditions and apply the steps to your life on a daily basis and the traditions when ever you are in a meeting or with other people in recovery; AA, Al-Anon, Alateen. 4. Look for a sponsor to personally help with your recovery program. 5. Wake up in prayer and go to sleep in prayer. Learn how to meditate. (I have learned how to meditate 24/7 and I am not even close to being a monk) 6. Regardless of the previous 5, Get and/or rebuild a relationship with your Higher Power who isn't your alcoholic/addict, your sponsor, parent or any other fallible human being. I learned to forgive and have compassion for others and never have had to do that for my Higher Power. 7. Continue to go to lots of meetings. There are two meetings that are "must makers"....those that you want to go to and those that you don't want to go to.
Those are "suggestions" just to start you off along with take you focus off of others, including your qualifier and put it squarely on yourself. You are the person who will benefit cause you are the one that needs fixing.
That is what I heard while I was wearing your shoes or more exactly my old pair. By the way I found one of the answers about why did she drink and use and lie about it to me in another question; Why did I lie about anything. The disease has a lot to do with fear.
Start working the program and the answers to all of your questions will arrive in time whether he continues to use or drink or not.
Well i understand ... my first few meetings were in a small room with 3 ladies at least 35 years my seniors who were good friends and were a little bewildered with me I now realise. They had found their peace and I now realise brought alot of hope to me that I had no clue I was recieving then. At the time though it did not help that I wanted to vent about my belongins being found in pawn shops, refusing to be manipulated and leaving my own home when my AexH told me he was going to kill himself that I was the only thing stopping him, dragging an unwilling person to mental health clinics, locking my belongings in a room to find the lock smashed .. returning to pawn shops, not seeing him for days at a time and then our "quality" time was watching him snore off a hangover on the couch, my needs were supposed to be fulfilled by fixing him up and taking care of him, 3 trips thru treatment programs, and way to much more to list here. I vented here, I learned ALOT here, and I foudn other meetings, books, resources to make each step. We're listening.
Jerry typed out a sound plan of action. It all really helps whether you think it is or not at the time.
Jen
Jeez I forgot your questions ... i never learned to trust my A, I did learn to trust myself to know when I was hearing truth and when I was not.
I am still grieving in some ways the lost dreams, there are sadness, anger, acceptance steps to it, they just happen. The shock recedes and somehow you get thru it.
Only you know when enough is enough. There is no set line, it's one you have to put int he sand yourself. Building personal boundaries.
at the same time. 