The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my biggest issues with all my relationships was rushing in. I rushed right in with the ex A. In fact one of my best friends cautioned me and said she would not stand by me while I did it. I couldn't understand what she was talking about after all why not.
Now when I meet men I wait and wait and wait and wait some more. Of course all the initial impusles are there. When I meet someone and they said they've read a key book I like the impulse is "when can I move in". The issue is I no longer act on it. I wait around. I'm friendly, available (to a certain extent with a lot of boundaries). I wait and wait and wait some more I wait to see who they are. I know if I rush in I won't see until I've involved and getting uninvolved is so complicated.
A number of months ago I met someone who lived some distance from me. I made a choice to limit the relationship to a virtual one. I used to speak to him on the phone a lot too. Gradually over time I've realised he doesn't take care of himself at all. He has high ideal, is kind, generous and warm but really I don't want to be involved in that way with someone who doesn't take care of themselves. I've been there and done that. Of course he is unaware what an incredible turn off that is. I don't obsess about it. I let it go. I ask about it and that's it. I let it go. I'm friends but I can even envisage a time when I wont' be friends because really who wants to be friends with someone who neglects themselves.
I'm still incredibly lonely. I'm still without a partner but I don't rush in the same way I once did. I don't act on my impulse. I let them be but I don't have to act them out.
Recently I met someone who also lives a long distance from me. I can now trust myself that I won't cause the same kind of disasters in my life I had in the past. I can manage without a relationship. I'd rather be in one. I know I have to learn how to be in one differently. I also know I played a part in the huge mess I had with the ex A and one huge part was rushing in, over commiting and being totally over involved.
Great post, I needed to read that today. I had just posted my own on starting to learn this slow down, step back and take stock system I have set in my mind in order to avoid that rushing in that I haven fallen into so easily before. Thanks for posting this, it's easier knowing you are experiencing some of the same things.
I think that is great progress and maturity. As I said to Jennifer it is so tempting to accept anything just to have a companion. I would like to be in relationship too. I just get tired of being alone. However, there are a ton of us women who are alone. Way to take it slow.
Yeah, I am right there with you gals. I would like to be in a relationship too but for now and for me, its HP and that is it. If/when the time is right, that might change. Till then, I got the cream o the crop. Hugs, J.
I have a history of jumping into relationships before really getting to know the person. I'm ok being single now and am learning to stand on my own two feet. (With the help of my HP and Alanon family)
