A confession in Anger and Sadness. - Al-Anon Family Group

intothewoods · Veteran Member

A confession in Anger and Sadness.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know it all too well.

When my ex and I first spilt, I literally said to him "Please come back and control me because without you telling me everything I am lost. I would rather you be here and control me like you always have been." And I was dead serious. It sounds pathetic to me now, but it was true. That was all I wanted. My own life? Doing things for myself? I'd rather not, thank you. I wanted to be married and be a part of this couple and have him be MY life. What's wrong with that?

Well, he was an A and that was the first thing wrong with that. And I didn't really want to be controlled. What I wanted was a real, full partnership. A give and take, a life without abuse and drugs. I wanted "normal". I would never have that with him.

And as far as HP and all of his "plans" well, it wasn't too long ago that I lost every bit of faith that I had. I have had 3 very tramatic deaths in the past 2 years and I was done with HP. If there even was one, he was unusually cruel. I was done. There was no reason for HP.

I expressd this here and in meetings. They told me I could use their faith until I found my own and the promised me that when I found my faith again it would be better and stronger than it ever was.

They were right. I do not believe that HP does things to me or that he lets bad things happen. I believe that I live life and I am human and bad stuff happens. My HP is there when I turn to him. He will give me strength to deal with all that is happening. But he is no magician. HP will not do what I tell him I want/need. Nor will HP do it within my time frame. I choose to think of my HP as the perfect parent. HP lets me do my thing and HP is there when I turn to him with my sadness or my joy. HP strenghtens me and holds me. And HP will never leave me no matter what. Pretty unconditional. Similar to the love I have found in this program.

LEEA · Veteran Member

Oh my dear Intothewoods,

Your post just breaks my heart. The pain you are in is so awful. I know hearing, "go to meetings", "take a hot bath", "read and get informed" is not going to help you right now so I am not going to say it.
How did your mother pass away?
Are you still living (or existing) without your A?
Can you find just one thing to be thankful for?

Please post again and make it as long as you need to, to get some more off your chest. We are here, and we do care

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh into, I am so sorry that you are feeling so down and depressed. But it is ok to be angry and it is ok to be depressed. Sometimes the most brilliant of thoughts and ideas come out of anger. And sometimes depression causes us to grab onto the ladder, and rung by rung, drag ourselves up to understanding and light.

I do not believe that God's plan took your mom from you. If there is a God, he/she allows us free will and to lead our own lives as we see fit. When our time comes, I believe it is not of God's making.

I hope that today finds you feeling better. I will keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers.

Diva

Rora · Senior Member

I am hearing you, feeling much the same today.
Very angry. Very lost. Very out of touch with myself.
But, I am trying to understand and realize that when nothing changes, nothing changes, so I need to work through this, for any hopes of a brighter tomorrow.

I am worth it, and you are too!

You are not alone.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

If you were not supposed to be here, you wouldn't be. Plain and simple.

You ARE here.

What are you going to do?

Hugs, J.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I certainly didn't want to foucs on myself either. I wanted the A to change and be focused on taking care of us. He didn't. He drove us into total emotional bankruptcy. I don't think anyone comes into this program in anything but despair, anger and resentment. They also have their fair share of anger at God for allowing it all.

YOu are absolutely in the right place. Here you can learn to like you, you can learn to like your life regardless of what you are doing. You can learn to actually begin to take care of yourself. Yes sure it is lovely and nice to think about having someone around to love, care and cherish us. What about if that person is actually yourself. Yes certainly taking care of yourself when you are depressed, angry (and you have reason to be angry) and resentful is hard. At the same time its a great journey. I think it is absolutely worth it. My life is far from easy but guess what is so much easier now the number one resource is me not someone else. I was incredibly dependent on the A that I was with. I'm not going there again. If I ever get into another relationship (and I'm not counting on it) I want to be strong and capable regardless of what happens. I need to be. I need to be there for me regardless of what happens.

Of course we all want to tantrum and say where's mine! The issue is with this program we can learn to take what's ourse shape it and make it a life to be proud of. Its up to you if you want it, the tools are there, you can use them to shape a life that's very much worth living.

Maresie.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((intothewoods)))))

You are right where you are suppose to be. I hear your pain. I have terrible relationships with my AHsober and my mother. I yell at my HP and say why when I need them the most. I have no answers but somewhere in there I know it will all work out. Your post is very authentic.

In support,
Nancy

christinajeanne · Senior Member

It's good to write it down and get it all out. Sometimes you just have to do that weather anyone listens or not but most people will listen and try to support. I have been in this place myself I still am to some extent. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety myself. I have lost so many people I love and yes I wonder why they are gone. For my my personal view of HP I don't belive creates bad things. I think sometimes allows bad things to happen or go on because it will help us to maybe one day help someone else or for a purpose that we can't see just yet and will only be revieled in time. Maybe we will never know the reason why or have the answers. But, I am learning that I have to trust my HP because in the end things will be ok even if I don't see it or feel it right at this moment.

Christina

intothewoods · Veteran Member

Thank you everyone for your supportive posts. I know that I am in the right place, a place for healing and sharing and support. Sometimes we need to know that we're not alone in our pain.

I had to get through that moment to get to a better place. I guess sometimes we just need the space to flail around and drum our heels against the floor and cry NO NO NO like two year olds. That's where I was, and it's led me to a place of acceptance.

I realized that my HP is just that, mine. I don't know how else to say it. My HP knows what I've been through because they've been through it too. That's their job. Not to make bad things happen. My mother passed away because it was her time. Yeah, I let that screw up my life for a decade, but that's not my HP's fault and it's not her fault either. It's just how things happened. Should I get mad at the sky for raining on me? The plants need the rain to survive. It's not all about me.

And I can fight my depression. Even if I don't want to learn how to make myself happy, I have to. That's my job in this life. Not my A's job. Mine.

Thanks again for listening.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.