The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am fairly new to al anon (started f2f meetings in August). I am so grateful to have come to the program. It is making such a difference in my everyday life living with active alcoholism.
I am learning s many strategies that are helping me to get a moment or two of serenity here and there..lol
One of the most important things that I have learned is not to engage in confrontation when the alcoholic has been drinking. I have been successful with this which is a big change for me, really!
However last night I returned home from my al anon f2f meeting. I go two nights per week. My spouse goes to AA the other 3 week nights, plus tw times each weekend day. Still however he is struggling. I know at times he can not control the stroing compulsion to drink all the time and is even stopping and drinking after some meetings, I think..however I do not ask because I am trying to detach as best I can.
Anywa, back to last night. I returned home from my meeting at about 10:00. It was clear that my spouse had dont a good amount of drinking. What troubles me the most is that he was the one who was home with my children ages 5 yrs and 19 monhts. I did not confront him, I did ask him once but was not coherent enough to answer, which pretty much answered my question. I did not persue a confrontation instead let him just pass out. My children were safely in their beds, thanks be to my higher power whom I choose to call God.
I have been doing such a better job of detaching from the disease, but now when it comes to the safety of my children I feel I can not just go about my business. I am worried that something couldhappen and he would not be able to drive or get help for them if they needed it.
THis makes me feel desperate...like I have to "do it al"l myself (I have been doing 99.9% of household, childcare, bills, pretty much everything since he has been going to meetings) I have dont nothing for myself with the exception of meetings. But now I feel I have to get outside care for the kids and that they can not be left alone with my husband. I am trying to figure out if this is me being controlling to take it to that extreme or not. I am seeking my HPs guidance but since I am so new to this, I am not sure if I will be able to figure out my will vs HPs will for the situation. This morning, I have had thoughts of asking him to leave..because it would be easier if when we can not depend on him at all that he not be here so we can try to live somewhat normally. But I worry for my kids and also for myself but especailly for AH because the only place he could go is his dad's who's drinking also bothers me. I can not call him an alcoholic because he is not self admitted, but you see where I am going with this... I wonder if it is easier to live without him or to have to live with this erratic and unsettling behavior. I don't know.
Anyway, thanks for listening. It is helpful to me to be able to type this ou instead of opeing it all up to my AH, because my thoughts and feelings are too raw at this point. If anyone has any similar experiences or anything, I would be open to listen to those as well.
Kerry, I started Al Anon about the same time as you and pretty much for the same reason. I think your children's safety is the priority here. My own decision to end my relationship came when my A came home with my son and his son wasted after a day of fishing. He had driven with my son in a state that could have killed him. I couldn't justify that in an way shape or form and that was a boundry I had put in place and he crossed it; he had put my child in danger and controlling or not, I couldn't accept that. My son has the right to be protected and I am the only one who can do that for him. You children are at an age that requires a watchful eye. Do you have a family memeber or friend that can watch them while you are at your meetings? That may be an option, or attending a weekend meeting that has child care. I wish you peace and serenity. dd
For me, when it comes to the kids, all bets are off.
When I was a little girl, my mother thought nothing of leaving me alone with my uncle who was a fall down drunk. I think I was 10 when he tried to stick his feet in the fireplace while there was a roaring fire. I wound up babysitting him. And the resentment is NOT against him, it is against my mother for leaving me in that situation.
It's a HUGE resentment that has grown since I have kids of my own. I would never, in a million years leave them with anyone, including their own father, under the influence. Simply because I know how much I resent my mother for doing that to me.
With my own ex, there were times I didn't know he was under the influence (or rather, I was in denile of the behaviors I was seeing). Growing up in an alcoholic home I learned that I couldn't trust what was right before my eyes. I should rather listen to what the A and those around them were telling me than what the truth is. Since comming into this program I have learrned to trust myself and watch actions and not listen to their words.
So, good luck with this. I won't tell you what you should or should not do but the psychological damage this disease does, even to the very young, is immence. Not to mention you are the sane and sober one and those kids will grow up and question why, in your sanity and sobriety, you allowed them to stay with someone who is not sane or sober.
I am so glad your going to face to face meetings and I am glad your husband is going to AA meetings. I do not have kids at home, so I have no suggestions for you that comes from experience. Others will give you that. It seems to me that I lived with blinders on for so many years, that when I started taking them off through Al-anon I was scared to death! I had so many questions. How did I get here? How do I get through it? What is the right "next step"? I heard so many situations that were like my own, but not exactly, so how could I adapt them to my situation? I guess what I am saying is that what your going through is much like what I went through. I agree that leaving your children at home with a man who is drinking is not a good thing. I dont think that it could be considered "controlling" when all your doing is protecting children that are too young to contol their safety. I also see that having a sitter come in when he is home might put the sitter in a bad place too. Is it possible to go to a meeting at the same time as his, and have a sitter there at that time? I know that is an added expense, and its not easy finding sitters, but it might be a solution and would also give you and your husband time together to see if your working towards the same goal.
Are there others in your f2f meeting that have little ones?
One of the f2f meetings that I attend also has an AA group that meets down the hall. When it became apparent that there were some in AA and also some in Al-Anon that could not attend meetings because of the lack of someone to watch their children, one of the old timer's took this on once a week as her service project. All children were welcome and when the "old timer" couldn't watch the children a teenager of one of the Al-Anon members took on the task and a special collection was taken from the members of both groups to pay for her services. It was a win-win situation for all concerned.
My opinion is that children should be protected at all costs and sometimes we have to be creative in order to protect the children and go to meetings. So ask around your situation may be similar to others in the group.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Just to clear things up.. I did not know my AH was going to drink that evening. I naively thought that when you go to AA 7 times per week you would be able to remain sober for 2 hours while watching your children. Obviously that is an assumption I will not make again.
My plan for tomorrow evening is for my mom to sit with the kids. I have put an ad out locally for a babysitter. Hopefully I can find someone trust worthy soon. If I had a babysitter I would insist AH not be home. Maybe he would decide to go to AA thode nights too in addition to the other 7 times he goes. But I am not in control of him or his program, I realize.
Thats the plan for now. The long term I do not know. I hope hp will guide me in how to move forward, whether it be still married or not.
