The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I just posted, but, I've had an idea that my mother hasn't been staying sober, and after during some snooping, I found 2 almost-empty bottles of wine hidden in the dining room.
I'm furious, hurt, depressed, heartbroken.
I've done confrontations in the past. I've yelled. I've cried. I've thrown the damn bottle at her. I've filled the bottles with water. I've thrown them away.
I hate yelling or doing something spiteful, because then I make her feel like sh-t, even though she deserves it, and then she cries, and it kills me to see her cry. And then she gets all depressed, and then she's even more likely to drink.
But why should I be "nice" during a confrontation, when she's the one who isn't doing what she's supposed to be doing? She is LYING to me. She isn't making progress. She's continually screwing up.
I know everyone says you don't give "advice" here, just some wisdom and insight.
welcome, I encourage you to get the book,"Getting Them Sober." Look at the top of the messages you will see Tom, Canadian Guy is giving them away.
When we get involved in our loved ones disease, it makes us sick. As you shared, nothing you have done has changed a thing. We have no control over the A's disease.
We learn not to get involved, no searching for evidence, no lecturing them, no being any part of their disease. The only one who can help them, is themself. They are very sick, they mean what they say, but the disease is horribly powerful.
I am sad you are having such a hard time. It is very difficult to go through what you are.
Our A's do not "deserve" to be yelled at, thrown things at or any other kind of anger towards their disease. No more than if she had a brain tumor controlling her.
When a person goes to meetings, reads literature, comes here etc. they begin to learn about all the tangled web of being an addict.
Girl she does not do anything to hurt you on purpose. The disease controls her.
As far as being nice, think of her as being very sick, which she is. I am sure you would never want to hurt her because she is ill.
There is no acting like she is suppose to. Of course you want a mom who is more there and is honest. Sadly part of being an addict is a horrible guilt that we could never relate to.
It is like saying a person who has a broken leg is suppose to walk. Your mom is broken. Until she decides to get help, she will not get better.
We learn in alanon to take care of us. Doing our best to not be dragged into the pit your mom is stuck in.
You did not say how old you are. There is also alateen for younger people.
I am so glad you are here. You have tried so hard to help her and you have put out so much effort.
It is good you reached out to Alanon for help. If you need help finding meetings in your area let us know. One thing about us, we love to help and support each other.
When I was where you are with my dear husband, I had to learn to put him in hp's hands. For me that would be the creator. It means Higher power. I pictured him in the creators hand, in the fetal position.
We can do nothing to help them but one thing, take care of ourselves. Their disease puts so much guilt on them, to know how badly it hurts their loved ones, makes it so much worse.
I agree with everythign in the reply above me. Getting Them sober is an excellent set of books. I read them abotu 15 years ago when I first started my recovery.
For me I have learned not to confront at all. For me the phrase..do I want to be happy or do I want to be right? >>that phrase helps me jsut throw the empty bottles away or leave them where I accidentally found them. I dont go looking for them. Why do I have to tell him I KNOW he has been drinking? It's obvious that I know it. He can't hide it. Why do I need to say..here is another bottle..what do you have to say for yourself? I dont even ask..have you been drinking any more. I am jsut setting myself up for a LIE.
If I just ignore the bottles, detach from his actions, I am a much happier person. If I "confront", then both of us get angry and argue...so why should I even bother??? I remember there was a time in my life...pre-alanon days...that I'd find a bottle and set it on the dresser or chest. When I found another I set it beside the last one. I left them there all week...and the line got pretty long. I left them there until he threw them away. An alkie in chat told me I should line them up on the floor where he has to step over them and leave them there until he picks them up. I chose to use the chest and dresser. I only did that once. It was stupid and childish.
I have no need for such nonsense any more. Best of luck to you! LIN
I know there is a saying in al anon that says if you are going to confront mean it. So in theory at least and the auhor of Getting Them sober has a lot of things to say about confrontations it is that you have some consequence for the continued action. That doesn't mean you shouldn't have feelings about this betrayal. Hell its pretty normal and healthy to have feelings. The issue is what options do you have, what can you live with. In Getting them Sober Toby Rice Drew takes you through lots of options. Of course to get to the point of being boundaried doesn't happen overnight. Those of us who are alanons often go to the place of beating ourselves up for not having the boundaries. So we internalize it. There is a way to work this through but it takes, commitment and energy and of course you have every right to be angry at the A!
Many of us find that not arguing with the A help, not that it condones their drinking. For some alcoholics constant chaos is the way they know how to keep on drinking. There are many many tools in al anon to help you through this. You can use them, one is detachment, that is to de-tach from the personal attack you feel on yourself. De-taching from taking everything personally is hard going but it is possible. I no longer feel that the ex A I was involved with did things to attack me personally if anything he attacked himself far more. At the same time I got out of the way of letting his chaos and crisis affect me. Believe me it did for the entire time I was there, when I started to de-tach he in fact got much much worse but I got much much better and whatever he did (and he did a lot destroying his entire life) I still kept taking care of me.
