The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started reading the Al anon literature and i find myself relieved and saddened that i relate almost completely. i think i learned this behavior from my mother. i read through the first part of step three. while i do know that there is a loving and caring master of the universe my confusion lies here: if He or She cares then why when I stand up for myself (even in an assertive compassionate manner) have i gotten yelled at put down, made fun of, threatened and had 'xxxx' thrown at me while in the shower (this one was the ex)? why would God allow that? i mean aren't i doing His will? i feel a bit let down, frustrated, angry, disappointed, repressed, and confused. Part of me says why bother standing up for me if its going to be like that and the other part says I can't live stifled and hiding and afraid anymore. I don't know how many of these behaviors, thoughts and beliefs are simply past conditionings or real. But to compliment myself I must say that I have been "walking through the fear" and doing what I believe my loving caring guiding God would have me do. for instance I decided to go to counseling for me. and about a month ago when i and the other ladies in the office received flowers as a token of appreciation from a client i took it home and put it in the vase with my other flowers rather than throw it away for fear of someone elses reaction. somewhere along the line i got confused about the word 'selfish' - until someone finally said to me that it's really important for me to be selfish in a good way. i don't know to much about this, but I am learning and i know i can learn more.
Step 3- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god, as we understood him.
I can turn my will and life over to my HP. This means that I a can ask for guidance about how to deal with hard stuff. There are often many options in a given circumstance. If I can learn to open my mind and heart to HP and listen for the right answer for me, then my life goes a lot smoother. I think HP is the caretaker of my soul, but I have responsibility to accept the guidance that is offered. I usually will not be beaten over the head with it. I will just keep experiencing the same negative consequence over and over until I learn to listen and make sounder decisions, even if that means going through some pretty terrible stuff.
As far as other peoples actions, that is not my concern. My concern is to take care of me and that means deciding what I will live with and what I will not. If I continue to allow others to abuse me, then what can my HP do? It is my choice. I do not have to be abused. HP would really prefer that I not put myself in that type of situation, but sometimes I have been very stubborn and insisted that I can change somebody else or that HP should change somebody else to suit me.
Since we all have free will, even our abusers have the choice to act that way or not and we cannot control their actions. What we can do is to learn and grow in recovery. This program has taught me to value myself, set boundaries for what I will tolerate, have empathy for my AH, but not allow him to hurt me further, find serenity, make informed decisions instead of just reacting to every issue( that's still a very hard one even after 2 1/2 yrs in the program). All of these things I have learned, and many more, are how my HP has directed me to a safer and saner life. HP does not just zap us better, we have to work for it. LOL And it definately did not happen on MY schedule. That was my lesson in patience.
I hope this helps.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
boundaries are a tough one. Of course dysfunctional people don't like boundaries. That is why we have to practice them.
I think we have to go from why me to what's next. The Why me might not be answered till we get to the next world. If we really get into Why me then why not be starving somewhere with no food, shelter and no means of support. I don't have the answer. I do know that God in my life works in mysterious ways. I find things happening in serendipity. I also find people like this room, where there are so many warm, generous loving people who really do care. They have no reason too but they do care deeply about one another and reach out and help. I know I've been helped here tremendously and I am enormously proud of my boundaries.
