The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
All this is very new to me and I mean Al-anon. My son has been dabling in drugs & alcohol since he was a teenager. I believe he woke up and realized that drugs were killing him but he has not stopped with the alochol. He does not believe that alcohol is bad for him and that it is also ruining his life. Ok, enough of that because he is an alcoholic today and he is ruining my wife and I's life. I'm sure we are allowing to ruin our lives but we know nothing else. I understand about enabling people to stay on alcohol and I also know it's very hard to do the right thing. The sife and I are at the point where we know that we are enabling him but don't know how to stop it. Here is the problem.... My son lives 300 miles from us and he has an apartment, car and insurance to pay for. He lives away from home "300 miles" because when he was involved in drugs he got caught up with the wrong people and he had to move away to get away from those people because he could not quit the drugs. At that point it didn't appear that alcohol was ruining his life and it looked like he was doing the right things to get his life together. Since he started a new job we were helping him with his finances because he didn't make enough. After a few months we realized that alcohol was involved again and it was getting worse. He just lost his job and looking for another job. Now what do we do ????? > We know we have to cut the money off but are scared that he will show up at our doorstep. In our minds that can't happen because the people he got away from will find him and our safety will be in jeparody. > When we give him money we try our best not to hand him cash because he may use it for alcohol. > We know we have to cut him off but we also believe that we should not just cut him off completely because he will fall flat on his face. > We would like to learn the proper way of weaning him off or maybe you all are going to say we just need to stop.
What it boils down to is we need help to understand what is the right thing to do. What steps we need to take and what we need to tell him when doing so. I'm sure there a good and bad ways of doing this. So befiore I start I would like to hear from you all on what to do.
Welcome to MIP and Alanon. We struggled with our oldest son. At the time he was in the military. We have no idea what he did with his paycheck. He drank with his buddies, I don't think drugs were involved. Before we knew it he went through our savings. The rent, car pmts, insurance, telephone bill, and all those things that we never buy for ourselves. In between times he was getting shipped overseas. So we felt sorry for him and didn't want to add to the pressure. No amount of talking/books/advice/examples sunk in. Then he added a baby and wife and still no money of his own. We started saying no. We will buy for the baby but not for him. Never give him cash any more. That is how the illness of alcohol manifested in our sons lives.
Go to face to face meetings if you can. There is alot of experience, strength , and hope for your family.
Sure sounds like we have a lot in common. I'm all ears to any adivice that you may have. Any words that I can mention to him that may open his eyes. I know they have to want ot do it but sometimes people do open their eyes when they hear certain things.
Since we have so much in common I would really like it if we stay in touch..
Hi Alvin...Welcome, I would first suggest that you and your wife find a local Alanon meeting. You will get a wealth of information from people that have been where you are. Please call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday thru Friday, 8 am 6 pm ET. Or you can go to this website and see what is listed in your area. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
They can give you meeting times and addresses near you. You mentioned that if you cut off help to your son he will fall on his face. From an Alanon perspective that is what many times has to happen. More times then not the alcoholic has to become so miserable they want to seek help for their disease. Our part in the disease is enabling and making it easier for them to maintain what they do. What we didn't understand before we got here is that by doing so it only helps the disease survive and advance. As hard as it is we must also digest that our "help" is actually harm. Alcoholics are masters of manipulation and the disease will do everything possible to guilt you in to cooperation. By attending meetings you can arm yourselves with the information and tools you'll need to be a united front.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am so glad you found this site. I know for me it was a God sent. It made me feel less alone and it gives me strenght. I see many have suggested going to face to face meetings. It is one thing reading how this desease has hurt those around it, its another thing to see it in the eyes of those suffering. Your sons problem can cause harm to your marriage, so the more you two can stay "on the same page" the better it will be. There are also alot of reading material to be obtained there. When my daughter found out I was going, she at least saw I was doing something for myself, and I was taking steps to stop her minipulations. My daughter moved out because she couldn't live by my rules. Her rules were, do what you want, when ever you wanted". She got an apartment and quickly lost her job. I was at a loss. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I paid her rent. I did not give her a cent for anything else. I just wanted to keep a roof over her head. She soon had no money for food, utilities or gas for her car. He car blew up because she wasn't taking care of it. A few months later, she was evicted. Not due to lack of rent, but because of her behavior. Every cent I paid was for nothing. She ended up finding a guy on line who moved her to another state to "take care of her". I did not hear from her for months. She called last week. The sad thing is that the only thing the call did was to let me know she was alive. I saw no change in her life style. "Tough love" is so hard. It's hard to realize that every day we treat them like a child, is another day they get to act like one. We can not stop them from falling on the face, the only thing we can do is stop it for maybe today, but there is going to be a tomarrow. We are just giving them more time to drain us emotionally, and financially. Every cent we give them is one more cent they can use to buy more things that can destroy them. I kept thinking, at least she cant use my money to buy booze then drink and drive. I could have saved her life, or the life of someone else that was on the road with her.
Read Getting them Sober. I think that is a wonderful book to deal with in knowing what to do and exploring what your limits are.
Believe it or not this program is all about you and not about him. The "right" thing to do is actually what you have been doing. It isn't that you were wrong, its that he is an alcoholic. He may or may not go into recovery there is not much you can do to make it happen but in theory at least not enabling him might help. Then again it may not. The issue is that he is a responsible adult and has to learn how to be that way.
I am sure there are many feelings of guilt there. I know that active A's are particularly good at being guilt inducing. Glad you are here, stick close by you will learn a lot. Above all keep expressing your feelings to each other. Of course you can't exactly tell him you resent him but you can certainly put it out here because we are very much able to hear it.
As a mother to two Alcoholic sons...this letter helps me.
Open Letter to the family from an Alcoholic.
I am an alcoholic, I need help.
Don't allow me to lie to you and accept it for the truth, for in so doing, you encourage me to lie. The truth may be painful but get at it.
Don't let me outsmart you. This only teaches me to avoid responsibility and to lose respect for you at the same time.
Don't let me exploit you or take advantage of you. In so doing you become an accomplice to my evasion of responsibility.
Don't lecture me, moralize, scold, praise, blame, or argue when I'm drunk or sober. And don't pour out my liquor; you may feel better, but the situation will be worse.
Don't accept my promises, This is just my method of postponing pain. And don't keep switching agreements. If an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety with for us compel you to do what I must do for myself.
Don't cover up or abort the consequences of my drinking. It reduces the crisis but perpetuates the illness.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Alcoholism, my illness, gets worse as my drinking continues. Start now to learn, to understand, and to plan for my recovery. I need help from a doctor, a counselor, or a psychologist, another recovered alcoholic, A.A., from God. I cannot help myself.
I hate myself, But I love you. To do nothing is the worst choice you can make for us.
Please help me,
Your Alcoholic
The best way I could help them was by helping myself and getting to Alanon. Bless you.
Please don't blame yourself for the behavior of your son. Doing so only causes you to be unable to be helpful, and it is obvious you want to help your son. You are fairly sure he has a drinking problem, and you strongly suspect he has been using drugs as well, so it is time to find out all you can about Al Anon meetings close to you and get to meetings where help is available for you. Remember, you did not cause th problem, and you cannot control it, but you can control YOU and the way you react to his hurtful and destructive behavior. AlAnon will teach you how to keep your own sanity and find serenity. You will also learn how to set boundaries and KEEP them. This is not something we can discuss with our loved ones and close the matter. It is a day-to-day struggle not to enable. Please keep coming here also. We totally understand how you are feeling. We've been there, and some are there now, like you. My prayers are with you. Please get help for you so that you can help your precious son.
