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For those of us in the US the holdiays are approaching. That can be a very slippery time for alcoholics and those of us who are al anons. I am having to constantly monitor myself to reinforce the limits and boundaries I've created over the last year. Every Thanksgiving with the A I lost it. I regularly felt desolated and alone. Last Thanskgiving I believe he spent it with the Uncle (he of course didn't invite me) and I just totally went into being numb and alone. This year I am trying to feel my feelings and I can't say I like what is coming up but I'm feeling it and not acting out on it. I guess that is progress.
I can see very clearly how I completely set up myself up every year with him. I can also see how the A in a certain context revelled in how dependent I was on him emotionally and he used it for his own ends. My feelings were not a consideration to him at Thanksgiving. That's one of the reasons why now I find it pretty easy to remain detached from him I know for certain he very very rarely took me into any kind of consideration (and yes I do know it was his "disease"). My issue was really being so over the top on wanting him to change dramatically and then being so absolutely devastated when he didn't. Talk about setting myself up for the fall.
So this year I am working pretty hard on not setting myself up but I can't say I like reality much. i really lived in a dream world for so many years waiting for the A to change I never did with reality on life's terms.
Please let me know how you are doing with the holidays and what you are doing to take care of you. I know it will be helpful for me.
Hey Mariesie, I am spending all my holidays with friends and family, no "guys" allowed or invited (except my brother in law- lol!). I am spending thanksgiving with my sister who is very cool and always fun to be with (her husband is, also, and their kids who I love). I am spending christmas with one of my best girlfriends who lives in Santa Fe and who I have not seen in a couple of years. We will just hang out. Nothing fancy or special planned with either one of them. Just time spent together, enjoying each others company, hanging out, talking, a little cooking (not much), maybe go to a movie or take a drive. real easy. Keeping it VERY simple. I have men in my life but I matter so much more than they do. I want to be with my wonderful women friends and family, the ones who are really there for me and who love me through thick or thin. I cannot wait. I am so lucky and grateful!! Hugs, J.
Well I am trying to be with "what is" and really plan be it on what can I do. Obviously there are options. I never felt I had options around the A. I was always so obsessed with changing him. I must admit that now I have very little tolerance for people who behave badly. At the same time I live around them. I have had to find very ingenius ways to deal with it.
I am currently unemployed and working super hard on gaining new skills as I want to be competitive in the workplace. I am plan being up to my eyes. Plan be was something I really never wanted to do when I was around the A. Now it is something I live by. Everyday I try to have a plan be.
Ya know, I was just thinking this morning how it seems I was just reveling in the fact that I made it thru the holidays, and here they are again. Aaaahhhhh!!!
My kids will be with me on Thanksgiving Day and my ex (someday I hope) will have them on the weekend. His family will be all out of town. Oh well.... It was sweet in that my MIL called and asked who had the kids. She wanted to know, because if my AH (her son) was to have them, she would decline an invite she had to go out of state and make dinner so that my kids "would not have to go to a restaraunt for Thanksgiving Dinner". When I told her the kids were with me, well, she booked a plane ticket to see her other son. Speaks volumes. My daughter said her dad will be celebrating at "meetings" where there is food round the clock and lots of friends. I have no idea if its the truth, and it doesn't matter, but she is okay with the idea. I do not worry about him, or care really, but she needs to feel peace that he will be okay.
As for Christmas, I am not sure why I am not stressed yet. Either in denial or just have come to acceptance that I always get through it, so why get all agitated about it. I am going to investigate online shopping. Gas vs shipping, I figure its a toss up, and much less crowed in my computer room. I will suggest I have the kids for Christmas Eve with my family and he gets them Christmas Day. Not sure of the actual morning, however, still giving that thought. Do I compromise for the kids and suffer through together or start a new tradition and stay the night at my parents and bring him the kids in the morning? Leaning toward the latter....
Big plans for involving the kids in some giving service project, but we will see how that goes. I've been worried about having to work my kids's entire winter break, and just got an email from my back-up saying her plans have changed and she needs money and can she work some. How great is that!
Keeping the expectations low, to non-existant, that is the key for me.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 11:23, 2008-11-22
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
